4

"I Volunteered So That My Sons Wouldn't Have To Fight"

Scott Peterson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Vicious civil warfare tends to put a strain on the military. Lincoln's first major decision when the capital-C Civil War started was to draft 75,000 men into the army on 90-day terms. Ukraine did something similar: Anyone who wanted to be in the army was allowed in the army. They just had to buy their own gear and show up for a week of training. Since the barrier to military entry had been reduced to "wear camouflage," the capital city of Kiev filled with men enlisting via fashion choices.

Magenta Vaughn
Everyone here is wearing their proper uniform, including the car.

3

"I Still Work There"

Pierre Crom/Getty Images News/Getty Images

If you live in the suburbs, imagine the city nearest to you seceded from the United States. Suddenly Houston is a battleground, but, shit, you still need to go there -- you might even work there. That doesn't change just because some fools with cannons happen to be blasting the shit out of the Jamba Juice.

We spoke with one woman in Konstantinivka who worked in Donetsk, heart of the rebel movement and also a 20-minute drive away. She commuted across the front line every day to work. Further, her office happened to be near Donetsk airport, site of one of the war's most vicious battles. She was wounded in the arm by rocket shrapnel while working her day job -- as a freaking accountant.

Magenta Vaughn
Her day started in the black and ended in her red.

2

"They Said They Wanted To Talk, But From The Beginning They Were Abusive"

Pierre Crom/Getty Images News/Getty Images

During the Civil War, the Lincoln administration arrested at least 14,401 civilians: one person out of every 1,563 in the country. Again, this pattern is repeated in Ukraine. Anna, our source from earlier, was arrested once her hometown became the separatist capital. Her crime was flying a Ukrainian flag ... and by "flying" we mean pinning it up on her bedroom wall. Rebel officials told her that the flag was "forbidden."

Anna explained that a "snitch" had visited their apartment with her roommate. He saw inside her room, noticed the flag, and reported it to the new authorities, who came to her house:

"They said they wanted to talk, but from the beginning they were abusive."

She was in jail for six days. Eventually they started to torture her: She showed us lacerations on her hands and arms where she said they'd cut her.

MiroNovak/iStock/Getty Images
Over a flag. On a wall.

1

"When They Smoke, They Are Still Afraid, But They Can Function. With Alcohol They Cannot Function"

Brendan Hoffman/Getty Images News/Getty Images

A good half of the soldiers we passed at the checkpoints were on their phones or actively using their phones as an ersatz boombox to allay the boredom of waiting at checkpoints. Ukraine's cell data network covers the areas involved in the fighting, which means soldiers are still free to text, check their email, and send selfies from the battleground. That last one is kind of a major problem.

See, most modern cameras include GPS data in the image files they make. Early in the war one Russian soldier posted a selfie on Instagram that led to the first objective confirmation that Russian soldiers were fighting in Ukraine:

Sanya Sotkin/Instagram
The second was a "Guess the country?" meme.

When we were near the front, the Ukrainian military had forbidden pictures of their checkpoints and defenses, out of fear that separatist artillery would use the geodata to target bombardments. We were expressly forbidden from taking pictures of any of the emplacements as a result.

Alcohol and drugs are a big distraction, too: Remember that sniper from earlier, the one we met on the train? After drinking a glass pig filled with whiskey with him ...

And this little piggy got a DUI on the way home.

... he gave us a thumb drive with all of his war pictures and music (a lot of 3 Doors Down, to be honest). It included pictures of him with his gigantic, terrifying rifle:

Which absolutely stopped any chance of us calling him out on the 3 Doors Down thing.

But also this:

We asked him what the fuck was going on here, and he explained that the bottle set up there was a crude field bong they'd crafted to smoke marijuana with. He would only say that the weed came from "volunteers." He added:

"I've seen young guys old enough to be my sons, scared ... and when they smoke, they are still afraid, but they can function. With alcohol they cannot function."

In other words: If you can't stop your volunteer militia from getting fucked up in the field, better they be stoned than drunk. If there's only one message you ever take away from a Cracked article, make it that one.

Robert Evans has a Twitter. He thanks Jim Kovpak for translating. Check out Jim's blog about Russia!

For more insider perspectives, check out 6 Insane Things You Learn Overthrowing Your Own Government and 5 Survival Lessons From Inside A Real-World Dystopia.

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