5

Your Random Personality Disorder Might In Fact Be Alzheimer's

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Some years ago, doctors examined me and diagnosed me with depression. Then anxiety disorder. Then personality disorder. Then agoraphobia. The various medications didn't appear to do any good, but I took them, because I'd literally be crazy not to. But now doctors have given me a revised diagnosis: "Turns out you had Alzheimer's. Sorry for the years of pills which were entirely useless and possibly harmful. No, we don't have any replacements. No one's invented any."

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"You can try inventing some, but frankly, I don't think your brain's up for the task."

My mother went down the same path. Both of us were social, outgoing, and optimistic before the brain changes. She received her own set of misdiagnoses, getting labeled as bipolar, having night terrors, and that most deadly of afflictions: restless leg syndrome. The fact is that, even with presumed Alzheimer's cases like mine, it's flat-out impossible to diagnose the disease until after the patient has died and doctors chop up your brain like they're paranoid about zombies. When you hear someone has been diagnosed -- whether it's me, your grandma, or Ronald Reagan -- that means they've exhibited signs of dementia and doctors have done tests to try to rule out other possible causes. In my case, we've got a pretty good idea of what's going on, thanks to my family history. But many others don't have that advantage.

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If Alzheimer's makes you wander into traffic, no one will ever know why.

4

You Do Notice How Much Your Brain Slows Down

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Right out of high school, I was tested and had an IQ of 158, for whatever an IQ test is worth. Last year, a psychiatrist had me take some more tests, and I still scored at a genius level in most categories. But then came the categories where speed is involved, and the scores plunged. It was a confirmation of what I'd noticed for a long time, but had never been able to firmly explain.

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"So that's why it takes so long to untangle my earbuds!"
"No, sorry. That's still a mystery."

When you find out you've got Alzheimer's, you start testing yourself every day. My preferred method is video gaming. That may be where I see the difference clearest. I sit down and play Path Of Exile now, and I see how much faster everything seems, and how much harder it is to keep up. The same difference appears when I work on something slightly more productive. I used to repair computers, but now when I do even a simple job, like hooking up multiple monitors, I see time fly by me as I hobble along.

My mother slowed down the same way. For years, she had this hobby of turning dried flowers and similar stuff into fancy wreaths. Then came my sister's wedding, and we saw her struggling for the first time to put those things together, becoming totally miserable and frustrated in the process. At the time, we giggled and said, "Mom's stressed out again. Better just leave her alone and hope she doesn't flip out." Only later did we realize what was going on with her.

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We would have helped, but even with Alzheimer's, she was still better than us at it.

3

Losing Your Ability To Communicate Happens In Stages

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If your particular variety of Alzheimer's eats away at the language centers of your brain, you can say goodbye to regular conversation. I'm not there yet, but I see it beginning. For starters, it's difficult now to tell when people are done speaking. I tend to cut people off mid-sentence now, and my diagnosis is not jerk-itis; it's Alzheimer's. Things like grocery shopping become difficult. I often have to leave without buying anything when all the people talking leave me disoriented and confused. I space out 'til I'm safe at home.

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Self-checkout is frustrating enough without a melting brain.

If things progress like they did with my mother, I'm going to suffer from aphasia when my language skills truly fall apart. I saw hers decline steadily, as the ideas in her head stayed complex, but she couldn't express them with the right words. For example, take something you say frequently, like "Let's go down to the mall, pick up some pretzel dogs, then make fun of people buying chain wallets at Hot Topic." When aphasia first approaches, you'd instead say "Let's go to the mall and get hot dog pretzels, then make fun of people at Hot Topic." In the mid stages, that becomes, "I want hot dogs baked into things that hot dogs should not be baked into, and to make emo tweens cry." Then come the late stages: "What are those things that are like dicks in a donut? I want that. Those kids with the hair, I hate them."

2

You Can't Handle Even The Slightest Change

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Imagine you wake up one morning and your computer has switched from a PC to a Mac, and the keyboard is suddenly Dvorak. Now picture trying to play Counterstrike with that while your hands are cuffed together and your head's in a bucket of Jell-O. Now, maybe you can see how change messes with Alzheimer's patients. An advantage of getting an early diagnosis is that I can begin to set up routines, and plan for my future and determine how I'll survive when the final stages come.

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"Once a day, at 10 a.m. sharp!"

1

You Are Totally Aware Of What's Happening, Right Up Until The End

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The classic Alzheimer's patient is an old lady who insists that you're her long-lost husband. The theory is that the brain sacrifices new memories in exchange for retaining the knowledge of how to perform basic tasks. And many cases are like that -- it all depends on where the disease attacks the brain. But it might be the opposite: You forget basic functions, but remember everything else and stay totally aware of the world around you.

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"It's 10 a.m., but I don't know how to do this anymore."

That was the situation with my mother. Toward the end, she forgot even the most basic things -- like how to walk. She recognized the people around her, but in her last six months, she forgot how to speak. She was first using very simple and repetitive words, and eventually just pointing. All the while, she was aware of everything that was happening to her. "I have no mouth, but I must scream" would be an apt description.

Later still, she forgot how to eat and drink. She survived like that for six weeks, with a few sips of water here and there. Which shocked the doctors and nurses, because dehydration's supposed to kill you way sooner. At her request, we didn't stick in a feeding tube or anything like that. We also didn't offer any real treatment, and this wasn't by special request. No real treatment existed then. Hey, exactly like today.

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You can't really write prescriptions for Shrugs and "I Don't Know"s.

You hear a lot about the fruitless quest to cure cancer, but we've made progress there. Doctors can do plenty to halt or even cure some cases today. Not so with Alzheimer's. Medications ease some symptoms (they don't help much), but nothing slows the disease. So for now, I'm following helplessly in my mother's footsteps by fighting my own battle for benefits and preparing for the worst. If you also have the disease, remember that tens of millions of us are out there to support you. And if you're part of the assuredly vast section of Cracked's readership currently engaged in active medical research, I hope you give Alzheimer's some of your time.

Dedicated to Audrey Marie Bermudez-Ducharme, 6-14-1954 to 08-26-2011, and to all who are suffering with this disease, or have a loved one who is. Kevin M. Ducharme writes music for video games and supports a lot of Alzheimer's groups and organizations. Alz.org is a fantastic place to start. There's also Forget Me Not. Or if you're into death metal and a more aggressive approach, then check this out. Ryan Menezes is on Twitter.

For more insider perspectives, check out 4 Things You Learn Having A Disease Doctors Can't Diagnose and 5 Awful Lessons I Learned Living With A Mystery Illness.

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