4

People Have No Idea How To Behave In A Bar

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Let's get one thing perfectly clear: You people are animals. Specifically, sheep. You see, Cronk has noticed a bizarre pattern when it comes to bar fights: "If anybody starts a fight in a bar, you can expect everyone to start a fight afterwards," he says. It's kind of like that screaming virus that passes at breakneck pace through crowds of teenage girls: One starts up, and soon you've got an entire gymnasium screeching at a pitch only dogs can hear that's somehow still deafening. Yes, we are saying you are a bunch of teenage girls.

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"Danny calls me up and is all, 'Dude, is Kasey on a date with Chelsea right now?'
And I didn't want to rat him out, so I was all ..."

3

Road House Should Be Used As A Training Video

MGM

We like to talk about how movies portray certain professions all wrong, but in this case, Road House, the ultimate bouncing movie, is pretty goddamn accurate -- just not in the way you think. Cronk assures us that we can "ignore him when he's shirtless and ripping people's throats out on the beach," but, "There is a speech that Dalton -- fucking Patrick Swayze -- gives. ... He gives a speech to the bouncers and the bar staff at one point in the movie where he talks about how he's the cooler. If you look that speech up, that can tell every bouncer how to be the best bouncer ever. In fact, I've trained bouncers and used that speech."

2

It's More About A Look Than Fighting Ability

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In case you were thinking of strutting your purple belt from the local McDojo to the pub down the street and offering your ass-kicking (and trash-picking) services, you should know that you'll be laughed straight out of the place. "The people who run the bars, they're not looking at your karate application; you can throw that right out," Cronk says. You might as well paint a big sign on your back that says "Potential Lawsuit," because those kinds of people are "more a liability than anything," he says. "The bar that does hire them, they're asking for trouble. They're gone within a week 99 percent of the time anyways. They think it's more like the stereotypical bouncer, like the guy who throws people out doors and yells at people, and it's not like that."

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Do that, and the only things you'll be bouncing are checks until unemployment kicks in.

What actually makes a good bouncer is a combination of two things. The first is the intimidation factor. Cronk looks exactly how you imagine a man so christened: 6-foot-2, 320 pounds, and -- no fucking joke -- an eye patch like a cartoon pirate or Bond villain. Forget about breaking up a fight -- you take one look at Cronk and the idea of even starting one leaves you as quickly as your bladder control. He could secretly be the snuggliest of teddy bears who has never even crushed a spider, let alone some heads. It wouldn't matter -- you'd never risk it.

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"Dude, I heard if he flips it up a tiny fist pops out and punches the shit out of you."

1

A Lot Of Bouncers Moonlight In Less-Than-Legal Jobs

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There are, of course, perks to being the guy who cracks the skulls: free drinks, free merch, and a surprising number of women whose relationship issues we won't comment on who get all tingly at the sight of a mountain with an eye patch. ("The bigger and more scar-faced, the more intimidating you are, the more they wanna take you home with them," Cronk says).

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"Before you say no, let me show you my knife-fight scar."

These perks do not include, however, the pay. Just like everyone else in the bar, they're working for minimum wage plus (often nonexistent) tips. "You'll get into all kinds of 'cheap thuggery,' we'll call it," Cronk says. "Beating people up for money, things like that. I've personally never beat anyone up for money, but I've had offers. More often that not, it's selling drugs."

There's actually a logical reason bouncers wind up as drug dealers, and not just because it's kind of a lucrative market: You literally find that shit just lying around. "You're the last one at the bar, you're sweeping up, you're going to find drugs," Cronk says. It's pretty easy to look at your haul at the end of the night, look at your paycheck, and come to a less-than-legal decision.

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"It's this or becoming an eye-patch-themed gigolo."

For someone who's just happened into the drug trade, how do you even know what to do with these valuable discoveries? There is a code of ethics here: It's generally frowned upon to sell it back to your customers at the bar, but it's not like you can set up a table at the local flea market, and most people tend to avoid making friends with crackheads. Cronk says, "Go to the strippers."

"Strippers always know where to unload drugs," he says. "They'll ask for a cut, but whatever. Some bouncers I've seen, especially in shittier bars, I've seen them sell drugs to their own customers, and really, you can't fault them. We get next to nothing. Even the best people might last a year before they decide this is stupid and pointless and I'm not making any money doing it."

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You can't even afford to drink where you work to take your mind off it.

So remember, next time you go out, please tip your bouncer. Just don't be weird about it.

Manna has punching allergy and also a Twitter.

For more insider perspectives, check out 5 Creepy Things Casino Security Guards See and Our Mistakes Kill You: 5 Lessons Of An ADT Alarm Technician.

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