5 Dark Things You Learn About Humanity Cleaning Up Bonnaroo

But even more common than that? The condoms. "Yeah, we found a lot of condoms. During concerts they were everywhere, especially in the toilet stalls. And not all were empty when we found them." That's right; the lines to the port-o-potties are long because there are people fucking in there. And of course, what would you do with your jizz-filled condom afterward, other than toss it aside for the cleaning staff to find? "The new cleaners make a big deal of this," says Barbara, an event cleaner from the Chicagoland area. "But honestly, after a while, it just becomes normal. Gross, but normal."

Peter Rimar/Wiki Commons

Then there's far less gross but strangely common refuse, like tons of tons of ... business cards? "I cannot begin to tell you how many of those we pick up," Barbara says. So we hate to say it, but the guy you met at the Weezer show who seemed really into your vegan aerosol juice cleansing startup was probably only being polite.

Super Bowls generate over 400 tons of garbage. If you can't visualize 400 tons, picture about 300 compact cars. Or 23.4 million Solo cups. Now consider that the Olympics pour out up to 13,000 tons.

Buda Mendes/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Jesse is an overnight cleaner at the Calgary Stampede. That event's 500 tons in non-recyclables is enough to put a serious strain on local landfills. He estimated that he pulls 50 pounds a night, so with 60 people working each night, that's about a ton of trash in the six hours spent sweeping up all the crap the other cleanup people didn't take care of during the day. Add in all the stuff that the food stalls and trucks take care of themselves, and you've got a big enough wave of trash to give Oscar the Grouch a hard-on.

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This was the theme across every source who spoke to us. The amount of trash humans generate during an event is astounding. "We have people going to [empty the] barrels every ten minutes," says Colin. "That's how fast they fill ... By the end of three days, if you let some overfill, you cannot see the grass on the field -- it's become a proto-landfill." And that's not counting what goes on outside these venues. Trash can accumulate out of their jurisdiction, costing cities a ton in cleanup costs every time they host an event.

But here's the thing: Nobody who has paid outrageous ticket prices wants to A) worry too much about what to do with their own trash or B) see a bunch of trash lying around, even if it's the waste they themselves created themselves five minutes ago. So ...

So while chugging eight beers may have been the only way to make it through John Mayer's decision to "just jam for a bit," everyone involved was unwittingly contributing to a garbage truck conga line that removes all the evidence of their shame from under the cover of darkness. Many events, such as Coachella or Lollapalooza, can last for days, but when hungover revelers stumble in each morning, the place needs to be clean enough for Mr. Clean's nitpicking grandmother to eat off the floor. But that's a tall order -- here's Bonnaroo shortly before being declared a Superfund site:

Ben Sisario/The New York Times

Jessie's overnight shifts would begin at 10:00 p.m. and continue until 4:00 in the morning, which is not a lot of time to dispose of the leavings of several thousand people, all of whom had a craving for deep-fried food and whatever other substance could make the pain of their lives go away. Barbara's overnight turnaround was even tighter: "We had one concert not let out until 2 a.m. on a Sunday morning, and another event was set to start there at 6 a.m. Even with getting in extra people to get all the trash out, we barely made it for the next day." Hopefully, they got all the condoms.

To make this work, most places either contract out or get local temporary help. But in some cases, they get homeless people to do it for next to nothing. "We get the homeless to come in and work nights. I'm one of the dozen or so full-time waste staff here, so we have them come in the loading dock where they can't be seen by people leaving. In the past, we had so many coming in that we had to turn them away."

Shaun Robinson/Vice

It's fine to have homeless people pick through trash, but we wouldn't want some paying customer to see one. Ew.

So at this point, you're starting to find out that ...

With receptacles filling up within minutes, it becomes a frantic, disgusting juggling act. The operation takes a whole lot more organization than you'd expect, all to keep the revelers from drowning in their own filth. "It's not random, we have set patterns -- a circle around a certain area, a square path in a section," Barbara told us. "Think of four squares together. That center point where they all touch will have four teams go through, but they can't all get there at once, because once they go around, it can be trashed quickly. So we stagger them so no team is in the same area at the same time. My supervisor actually timed us during a live event. It took 20 minutes to go around a certain square of stands with sweeping and emptying thrown in. He had it so that every five minutes, one of us would hit that center square and be even."

David White

It might sound like a lot of needless work. Why are trash collectors working with the precision of nuclear missile guards? Well, as Colin explained it, when the timing is off, the garbage situation quickly turns from carefully controlled and aesthetically pleasing to the epicenter of an overflowing trash pit belching bile straight from the depths of spring break Hell.

"Everyone has their little section to cover, but we have radios to alert others when we see trash buildup in their areas," said Colin. "People who think this is easy have never tried it. You start off fine, but you then call about one can being filled up, only to get a call about one in your area. And it goes on and on like that all day. Without us, with so much coming in and nothing coming out, it would easily turn into a landfill."

Matt Cardy/Getty Images News/Getty Images

And as we mentioned, part of the job is to remain invisible, because trash is gross and no one wants to think about it. As Barbara told us, "No one wants to see us. People don't want to know how it happens." We don't want to know what happens to the hot dog wrapper we throw away any more than we want to see the slaughterhouse where the hot dog came from. That seems like modern civilization in a nutshell -- we want good things to appear in our hand and the unwanted aftermath to vanish, and to never have to think about either.

Hey, speaking of which ...

After all, the national recycling rate in the United States hovers around 24 percent, and many huge events reflect this dismal commitment to the environment. "No one recycles," laments Barbara. "We don't even have the bins for them here."

Besides keeping an angry Mother Nature from unleashing rabid weasels on them, recycling can save stadiums $50,000 a year, simply through getting non-recyclables down to manageable levels. So why don't they do it? Many cities don't have recycling centers, and even if they do, it takes too much time.

Matt Cardy/Getty Images News/Getty Images

And even when it's available, in some areas, recycling is such a foreign concept to the public that people seem genuinely uncertain as to how to approach the bins, as though they're rare wild animals which they thought were only native to San Francisco. "When we put up recycle bins a year ago at another arena I work at," said Barbara, "most of it still went into the trash, and most of the stuff in the recycle bin was normal trash." And condoms, presumably.

Evan V. Symon is the Interview Finder at Cracked. If you have an awesome experience or job you would like to see as an article, hit us up at tips@cracked.com! Mark Hill has an awesome website which you should check out.

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