Case in point: One kid who moved to the school where I was coaching his senior year told me about his previous years playing for schools in the Dallas and Houston areas. His dad moved every year for work, so they wanted to buy a house close to wherever his mom would end up working. Once word of their particular home-buying criteria got out, she would be showered in job offers from businesses in different districts. They were essentially bidding for her son. In case I haven't made it abundantly clear by now, high school football is a big fucking deal in Texas.
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"I don't remember applying to be both mayor-for-life AND the next Pope ..."
None of that matters if a kid can't keep his grades up, though, so you better believe coaches pitch in with that, too. If a certain star player's grades were on the cusp of academic ineligibility, teachers would either magically discover a perfect test score amid the stacks of Cs and Ds, or begin offering extra-credit assignments that could be completed by a toddler who hadn't quite learned how to read yet.
"Step One: Open the text book. Step Two: Close the text book. Congratulations! You have passed Honors English."
In 1988, Dallas Carter High School won the first state title for an independent school district in almost 40 years, only to have it revoked after it was discovered that they had allowed a kid with falsified grades to play. "Well, that was a different time, right?" Okay. In 2012, a superintendent lost his job for inflating a student's GPA in order to earn him a football scholarship. The sheer competitiveness of these football programs and their impact on the economy means that schools are more than happy to let illegal shit get swept under the rug.
Make no mistake -- Jon Voight's character from Varsity Blues is 100 percent a real person. And he coaches for more than one high school football team in the state of Texas.
And sadly, there are way more of him than there are whipped cream bikini girls.
Evan V. Symon is the interview finder guy for Cracked. If you have an awesome experience or job you would like to see as an article, hit up the tip line at email@example.com.
For more a look at the crazy zeitgeist in a different kind of football, check out Drugs, Violence, And Soccer: 6 Realities Of Hooliganism. And check out what life is like in another cult in 7 Horror Movie Scenes I Lived Inside A Real Apocalyptic Cult.
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