Obviously, phone sex was extremely common. I'd say 40 percent of the calls had a sexual element to them. The phone sex in this case was especially strange, because our prisoners weren't allowed to have any kind of sexual contact. But if their significant other wanted to do their half of the phone sex, well, that's not against the rules. That led to bizarre calls where one party was very intentionally not saying anything sexual while the other blatantly tongue-fucked the receiver. It's like dirty talking to your accountant while she patiently does your taxes.
Valueline/Valueline/Getty Images
"As a trade adjustment assistance recipient, you can use the health coverage tax credit for 80 percent of medical expenses."
"OH! YES!! RIGHT THERE! DON'T STOP!!"
Also, you only get 15 minutes, so if you spend too much time on the one-sided foreplay, your call would cut off right in the middle of the act. And that's how you catch long-distance blue balls.
Every once in a while, an inmate would tell the guy more explicit stuff, regardless of the consequences: Lots of talk about sexual encounters with other inmates in the shower and other such Caged Heat stereotypes. I suspected most of it was made up, but it seemed to do the trick.
Jean-francois henri Schmit/Hemera/Getty Images
"Wait, 1977 Lynda Carter and 2013 Judi Dench were there too!?!"
If you picked up the next call, you'd usually hear that the guy had deposited money into her commissary account, so she could buy Twinkies and what have you. You ever talked a dude off for a Hostess snack cake?
That's the real prison, son.
Robert Evans is the head of Cracked's personal experience article team. You can follow him on Twitter, but only if you're wicked awesome.
For more insider perspectives, check out 5 Words That Used to Mean the Exact Opposite and 7 Horrifying Things You Didn't (Want to) Know About Prison.
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