On one the hand, some researchers consider aluba an important part of Chinese culture, a rite of passage for male youths. On the other hand, Fred observed that aluba was mainly used as a punishment in a "game" in which kids would take turns poking each other in the dick, and then pole-smash the guy who got a boner first.
Hard Drinking Is Considered Part of the Job
Drinking as a social lubricant is such an important part of Japanese culture that they even have a special word for drinking parties: nomikai. As an English teacher at a Japanese school, you will be invited to these all the time throughout the year. And for all the ill will between Japan and China, it turns out that both countries see eye to eye about filling their educators with high-proof Teachin' Juice.
"Sorry, 'accommadable' has two M's, so now Miss Peters has to take a shot."
As Fred told us: "There is a phenomenon in China called Teachers' Day. It's in September, and it's basically an excuse for all the teachers in the school to get super drunk. A banquet room is rented, the teachers feast on dumplings and fish, and then the bottles of baijiu (rice liquor) come out, and to decline a shot offered by a co-worker is like murdering their family and then peeing on their graves."
If that wasn't enough, many of Fred's coworkers even took it upon themselves to trick him into drinking more.
Ronnie Kaufman/Blend Images/Getty Images
"It's either this or aluba. Your choice."
For example, two teachers would approach Fred and say they wanted to do a shot. But as soon as he knocked one back, one of them would suddenly turn around and act as if he got distracted by something. Then he'd turn back to Fred and say something like: "Come on! Let's do that shot, which you obviously haven't done while I was looking away." Before you know it, you're riding a stolen bicycle atop the Great Wall, wearing the top half of a police uniform and nothing else.
Or, like Fred, you black out and wake up in your apartment wondering not just how you got there, but how you were allowed to get blackout drunk at a school event. Oh, and you probably can't help but wonder how much non-consensual penis-grabbing occurred while you were out.
Though the number of Facebook pictures that show them holding it like a prize trout should give you a rough idea.
Fred Colton lives in South Korea and is an English teacher and definitely not a CIA agent planning the invasion of North Korea, follow his exploits at fredcolton.com. Special thanks to Austin Vavrovics for helping out with the article. Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist and editor. Contact him at email@example.com
For more insider perspectives, check out 6 Ways My Real Kung Fu Training Was Crazier Than Any Movie and 5 Things I Learned Cheating (and Getting Caught) in a Casino.
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