Gene Therapy Might Render Us Extinct (and That's a Good Thing)
Something big is in the works regarding dwarfism, and it's straight out of an X-Men film. Sadly, though, it's the crappy third one. You know, the one where they try to eradicate mutant powers and any remaining cool factor Wolverine may have had. There's now a push to develop a "cure" for dwarfism, one that could help any pre-pubescent dwarf grow normally, at least until they reach puberty. Yet one more way for puberty to screw us all!
mactrunk/iStock/Getty Images Teenage embarrassment is where we all feel small.
To be honest ... I'm kind of for it. Not because I'm a self-loathing turd, or because lack of height is such a hindrance -- thanks to technology and human ingenuity, just about every facet of work and life can be successfully performed by little people nowadays. No, it's because of health. Dwarfism might not be a disease, but it's not exactly a dream come true. Dwarfs' lives are often racked with health issues, such as sleep apnea and obesity, but mostly bone and joint issues. At 8 years old, I developed bone spurs in my right knee. When I was 16, my legs started bowing out even more than they already did, and if they hadn't stopped on their own, doctors would have had to surgically realign them. This would have meant cutting my leg bones and pinning them straight, a procedure a lot of dwarfs need eventually.
Konrad ?elazowski/iStock/Getty "Not only do I have a disproportionately large penis, I'm also a cyborg."
Like I said, if two dwarfs mate, there's still a good chance their child will be normal-sized. But if it's not, and two dwarfs create another dwarf, that could lead to double-dominant syndrome. A child born with this condition will be extremely small. It's a miracle if a child with DDS survives more than a couple months.
So, I say bring on gene therapy. It's not about eliminating race, sexual thought, or bone claws -- it's about saving and extending the future. A world where as many children as possible grow up healthy and have a fair shake at remaining so sounds pretty damn good to me. And if that means my generation is one of the last to experience the joys of endless Lucky Charms jokes, then so be it.
Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images Count Chocula's better anyway.
Jason Iannone edits articles, lays them out, interviews people, and writes columns. Loudly complain about a minor typo he made in 2010 via Facebook and Twitter.
For more insider perspectives, check out 7 Adventures of the World's Biggest Pot Smuggler. And then check out 24 Video Game Plot Twists That Would Have Blown Your Mind.
Have a story to share with Cracked? Message us here.
Check out Robert Evans' A Brief History of Vice: How Bad Behavior Built Civilization, a celebration of the brave, drunken pioneers who built our civilization one seemingly bad decision at a time.