5 Ways You're Screwing Up Your Pet (Explained by a Vet)

It's not always that heartless, though. Some people genuinely mean well but just can't help being complete fuck-ups. One man brought in a dog in such bad shape that my co-worker simply looked up and asked him, "When was the last time you saw this dog?" It was inconceivable that a dog could become so ill unless its owner had been given an urgent months-long mission to Russia by his international spy ring (and also traveled back in time to 1956, I guess), leaving the animal with nothing but a 500-lb. bag of food and a prayer. That was pretty much the case, minus the espionage, and as a result the dog withered away with heartworm. The pitiful creature was so close to death, he had maggots on him. And he could have been saved if this guy had noticed the obvious signs at some point before a mysterious hooded figure with a sickle started hanging out in his backyard.

But even among the people who do mean well, you get another problem ...

Related: 5 Insanely Weird Pets Of Famous Historical Figures

Thanks to the Internet, we live in an age where anyone can play doctor: Sites like WebMD allow us to look up any symptom and convince ourselves our headache is surely a brain parasite. But did you know that the Internet has that for animals, too? Sites like PetMD have convinced countless clients that little Hissyphus' case of taco shits is actually a sign of some obscure immune disorder, and they will argue to the death about it with someone who actually does this for a living.

One dog that had heartworm previously came back later experiencing joint problems, and the owner was convinced that somehow the heartworm larva had ended up in the dog's knee. For the record, that doesn't happen. How could that happen? A woman brought in a dog with a pretty cut-and-dried case of ticks, but she was absolutely certain they were ... beetles. Why did she think they were beetles? "I don't know, they're kind of a greenish color."

Don't do this, people. I know some things are obvious, especially to experienced pet owners -- I have every faith that you know what a flea is -- but if you're so knowledgeable about veterinary medicine, why did you come here in the first place?

The only thing worse is the people who don't come at all. Sure, you don't need to run to the vet every time Bunnydict Thumperbatch gets the sniffles (yes, rabbits do get colds, and yes, it is adorable). I know that vet visits are expensive, and hypochondriacs are just as annoying. A good guideline to follow is that if you would go to the doctor for those symptoms, so should your pet. Vomiting one time? Probably fine. Not keeping anything down for days? Probably cancer, according to that stupid website.

Severe illness lasting more than a few days, broken bones, cuts deep enough to need stitches -- these are all things that would justify a trip to the emergency room for a human. Incredibly, tons of people are content to let their pets limp and bleed, slapping on some tape and a Popsicle stick and calling it good. One family brought in a dog that had a pretty nasty laceration, to which they had responded by wrapping it in an ace bandage -- for a week or two. When that bandage came off, the smell was unimaginable. Are you imagining it? Stop, because you can't. The wound was pretty clearly badly infected, a problem that could have been prevented if he'd been treated properly when he was first injured.

Related: Your Pet Will Love These Gifts, And You'll Love The Price

Another big one is feeding animals before surgery. All the same problems that can happen to humans under anesthesia with a full stomach can happen to animals (such as sleep vomiting), so it's important not only to discontinue feeding them at the instructed time but also to watch them carefully. That's because when you stop feeding an animal, it doesn't know why. It just thinks you're starving it to death because you've suddenly decided to be an asshole, and unlike (most) humans, animals have a tendency to eat not-food. This leads to awful situations like the time I had the pleasure of watching a dog vomit its own feces.

Are you imagining how that smelled? Because again, don't bother. You can't.

Related: Pet Ownership Is Easier With These 10 Products

Unlike the human pharmaceutical industry, just about anyone can sell drugs for animals and nobody has to go to jail. You've probably seen commercials for services like 1-800-PetMeds, like this one, that claim they sell the same medicine as the vet for as low as half the price. So when your vet gives the hard sell for their own pharmacy, you start to think their motivations may not be entirely pure and wonder why anyone would fall for such a scam. Well, not you. You know better. Thanks, 1-800-PetMeds!

The truth is, online pharmacies have a pretty shady history. First of all, in my experience, they're not even actually cheaper. Much worse, though, is that many companies have been caught providing counterfeit medication, so every order is a game of Russian roulette. Maybe you get flea shampoo, maybe you get a box full of bees. There are legitimate online pet pharmacies, but unless you research hard you won't know if your pet drugs are shipping from some sterile medical facility or a random dude's house:

Even 1-800-PetMeds has a history of refusing to say where they get their drugs, and they've been disciplined by the pharmacy boards of several states for bypassing vets who refuse to authorize a prescription with an "alternate veterinarian program" (basically, a vet they pay to write prescriptions for animals they've never seen). That's a big deal, because it can result in some serious complications. For example, if a dog is prescribed a heartworm preventive but already has heartworm -- something this vet wouldn't know -- it can freaking die.

They claim to have cleaned up their act in recent years, but you can see why these online pet pharmacies set off alarm bells for your vet. We're not just being pushy because we want that sweet, sweet commission -- we're trying to save your dog's life here.

Related: 5 Animals That Have Learned How to Keep Pets

Look, I know that at home Floppy is a giant ball of love that walks little old ladies across the street and teaches life skills to at-risk youth. But this isn't home, and I'm not a precocious ragamuffin: I'm a big scary creature he's never seen before who is holding quite a lot of pointy things. He's going to do what any of us would do in this situation. To wit: whatever it takes to make this weird dude stop poking his asshole. Don't think that it makes a difference that Floppy is one of the so-called "friendly breeds," either. Let me show you what a "friendly" dog can do:

That wasn't a pit bull or a rottweiler -- it was a Labrador retriever. He's still out there waiting for me, but fortunately he will warn me with his tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.

That's why we might ask you to give Floppy a hug and take on the admittedly onerous task of convincing him it's OK for this stranger to violate him. It's a simple gesture, but so many people regard the notion that their pets do indeed have the natural instincts of Mike Tyson as absurd. One man was in such deep denial that he never stopped insisting, "My dog doesn't bite," even as the dog was biting him. In those cases, we refuse to do the procedure unless they hold the animal. That way, it bites the asshole owner instead of us. That might sound insensitive, but I only have so many fingers, and I'm pretty attached to them. Well, nine of them, anyway.

Manna's favorite animals are llamas. Send her adorable GIFs of them on Twitter.

Related Reading: Did you know talking to your dog is actually screwing it up? And that convincing animals to bone each other is a lot harder than it sounds? Do you have a story to share with Cracked? Email us here.

Now that you've been properly chastised, click the Facebook share button below and let your friends know what shitty pet parents they've been.