Before the Coronavirus, we could go out to restaurants, spend time with large groups of friends, and dedicate about 16 hours a day to Animal Crossing. Now, we can only do one of those things. However, the lockdown that the Coronavirus has us on doesn't have to limit every possible venture. In fact, some celebrities are finding new activities to bide their time with. Are these activities good or worthwhile? Well, you can be the judge of that ...
Almost as famous as George R.R. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire fantasy series are the wait times between the installments. There was a three-year gap between the first and second book, a five-year gap between the third and fourth book, a six-year gap between the fourth and fifth book, and, well, that's all. Fans have been waiting on the sixth book, The Winds of Winter, for about nine years. And while I think it's weird and gross to pull the "Well, he should finish them soon, because HE MIGHT DIE" card when discussing it, I can see how fans of dragons, backstabbing, and the miserable existence of medieval people would wish for a faster rate.
And their dreams may be coming true sooner rather than later. Admitting on his Not a Blog that he's aware that he's "very much in the most vulnerable population" due to the disease, he has apparently found a secluded place to nestle in. And while being helped by only one of his staff and not taking any chances, he has been "spending more time in Westeros than in the real world, writing every day."
This, combined with the fact that he previously told readers that if he didn't complete The Winds of Winter by Summer 2020, he would allow fans to "imprison me in a small cabin on White Island, lake of sulfuric acid, until I'm done" has certainly raised hopes. And while I'm not going to take it as a concrete promise, seeing as the book will probably be around 9,000 pages long, it's at least nice to know that Martin is safe and doing what he loves most: writing about sad people in armor eviscerating other sad people in armor.
No, Jared Leto, musician, actor and possible cult leader, didn't die from the Coronavirus. However, he did find out about it weeks after the rest of us had. He had been meditating in the desert (because of course he was) without a phone or any communication with the outside world. According to his Instagram post, he had "no idea what was happening outside the facility." And considering that most of the news he gets is stuff about how Warner Bros. doesn't want him to play the Joker anymore, I imagine this retreat was probably good for his mental health.
We can't truly be sure of what Vanessa Hudgens, star of High School Musical and Spring Breakers, was thinking when she decided to go on Instagram and tell her followers her own personal thoughts about the Coronavirus, but it was very likely "nothing." Because oh my god, I can't imagine a worse response to a disease that has crippled the world's economy and killed thousands than saying to your fan base of young followers "-- even if everyone gets it, like, yeah, people are gonna die, which is terrible but, like, inevitable?"
By also stating that the idea that the virus might last until July is "a bunch of bullshit," Vanessa somehow managed to create the most irredeemable video of her career, a career that also includes a movie called The Knight Before Christmas.
Obviously, people were appalled by Hudgens having her own little Coronavirus "Let them eat cake!" moment and might be the first non-politician to be "canceled" due to their reaction to the outbreak.
Hudgens did realize that she was in the wrong...sort of. On Twitter, she apologized for offending people and for her insensitivity, but on an Instagram story she insisted that her "comments are being taken out of context." But, like, how? Is there a bigger, longer video where you preface your speech by saying "And here's what I would say about the virus if I was being absolutely clueless"?
Move over Pat Robertson and Jim Bakker! There's a new questionable televangelist in town: Kourtney Kardashian. The star of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami and Kourtney and Kim Take New York has shared a Bible passage about locusts and epidemics. Why do this? God, I wish I knew.
The verse, highlighted and circled with an orange marker with the words "PAY ATTENTION CHILDREN" written around it was shared earlier by rapper Young Thug. Like most spiritual things shared by celebrities, this feels pretty unnecessary. But if you're a religious person, and you get something out of the star of Kourtney and Khloe Take The Hamptons reposting stuff about why we should repent, by all means like, share and subscribe away.
Evangeline Lilly, who most recently fought an evil trying to kill have the population of the MCU, isn't down with how "Marshall law"-feeling this whole quarantine thing is. Of course, she's referring to "Martial Law," in which the government restricts normal civilian activities, but the point still stands: Stay inside and try to keep a disease from spreading? Nah. She will take her kids to gymnastics camp whenever she wants to.
Of course, fans were concerned by the news that the star of Lost wasn't really taking the Coronavirus very seriously. But Lilly replied that the disease was just a "respiratory flu" and that "There's 'something' every election year." She also asked others to keep a watch on political leaders because they might use this opportunity as a power grab. Finally, she revealed that she's "immune-compromised at the moment" but "Some people value their lives over freedom, some people value freedom over their lives. We all make our choices."
Debbie Allen is a legend in the entertainment world, having been nominated for twenty Emmys (she won three), along with winning two Tony Awards and a Golden Globe. She played the dance teacher in the acclaimed 80s show Fame and has spent nearly a decade in a recurring role on Grey's Anatomy, meaning that Allen has been a staple of TV for the better part of forty years. And now, while quarantined, she's discovered a new venture: Teaching fun dance classes on Instagram.
And while it would be super easy for someone to simply say "Make sure to get a workout in while you're stuck at home! Later!" and leave countless people to just stare at their dumbbells in futility, Debbie Allen went a step further and covered the cool-down process, too, emphasizing stretching so that you don't feel like shit for the rest of the day. This has become a regular thing, with videos coming out nearly daily, so if you want to dance around and potentially knock some shit over in your apartment, look no further.
Y'all remember Trapt, right? They're the rock band that released "Headstrong" back in 2002 and at 13, I decided that that song (along with the guitar riff that slams on whenever Freddy discovers that he's in the real world in Freddy vs Jason) were the height of our musical output as a species. Nowadays, though? Their main output seems to be being mad and awful on Twitter.
Sadly, rather than reply to people's posts with lyrics from "Headstrong," they seem to mostly just be dime a dozen "Haha, you SNOWFLAKE" trolls that exist to careen into your mentions if you critique our silly ass President. They also love to claim that "NO GROUP OF PEOPLE IN THE US IS BEING OPPRESSED IN THE YEAR 2020" and asking why it's wrong to call it the "Chinese virus." And there's more. So much more.
Obviously, this didn't start with the Coronavirus outbreak, but it definitely seems to have exacerbated it. Luckily, other Nu-metal bands, you also totally forgot about until right now, aren't following their example: Papa Roach is asking for movie recommendations and Drowning Pool seems to have pivoted exclusively to memes.
Arnold Schwarzeneggar, the mountain of muscle that we decided, for the good of mankind, would become one of the most famous actors of all time, has some really good ideas about the Coronavirus. He stated on a Twitter video "See, the important thing is you stay home because there is a curfew now. No one is allowed out, especially someone that is like 72-years-old. After you're 65, you're not allowed out of the house anymore in California. So we stay home and we eat here. Oh yes, that's yummy. There's Whiskey and there's Lulu. Lulu loves carrots. Whiskey loves carrots. I just had my little bit of vegan food. Oh yes, that was yummy, huh?"
As you can see, the first half of that is pretty solid advice, but the second half is a little bit of a departure. Well, it's because while he's filming the video, he's also feeding copious carrots to his miniature horse Whiskey and Lulu the donkey, both of which apparently eat with Arnold at the dinner table like it's Pippi Longstocking's house. I don't mean that as a diss, by the way. If a former bodybuilder that's still about the size of a refrigerator (At 71, he was dropkicked in the back during the Arnold Classic Africa event, and he reacted like someone had thrown a dishtowel at him) wants to eat vegetables with his animal pals, I say that's about the most adorable thing in the world.
He also does a lot of videos thanking doctors and nurses for their tireless efforts and also reminds us to check in on friends and family (while staying inside of course.) So thanks, T-800. I mean that.
Daniel Dockery is a writer for Cracked and a Senior Staff Writer for Crunchyroll. His Twitter is loads of fun.