Hasbro is Bringing Back Those Awful '90s LCD Handheld Games
Today's video game graphics have gotten so good, and the games themselves so complex, that game makers have realized the only next step is to strip away all of that progress and return, if only for nostalgia's sake, to a time when games were objectively worse by every conceivable measure. This can be the only possible reason why one of the least impressive ways video games were ever presented is somehow making a comeback. Yup, Hasbro is bringing back those handheld Tiger Electronics LCD games from the '90s so you can relive those halcyon days when you'd play it for 15 minutes, call it a piece of shit, and then throw it in a drawer to never be thought of again.
In this age where we can have an unlimited amount of games on the phone that slips easily into our pockets, we definitely want to carry around a hard chunk of plastic with the dimensions of a grilled cheese sandwich that plays a single game where monochromatic characters fight on a static background. If you're a gamer living in the year 2020 and that sentence doesn't give you an enormous hard-on, then you're fine, because a flaccid, completely disinterested penis is the appropriate reaction to this news.
The handhelds will include throwback games and properties including Sonic the Hedgehog, The Little Mermaid, Transformers, and X-Men. All our properties with instantly recognizable characters which were always doing the heavy lifting, because the games that were somehow worse than the ones on graphing calculators certainly weren't. The frames around the screens were fully illustrated, the colors were vibrant and fun, and it all surrounded graphics that were only slightly more advanced than a pencil-and-paper game of Hangman. The price to relive this disappointment will be $14.99. No, seriously.
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