10 Things That Will Definitely Not Happen This Halloween

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10 Things That Will Definitely Not Happen This Halloween

Halloween is that time of year when the gateway between our world and the spirit dimension is at its thinnest, allowing nightmares to come to life and ghouls freedom to torment the living. 

It’s truly an unpredictable time, but there are still some universal constants that do not change no matter how many doorways into the dark underworld are opened. For one, your costume ideas are too obtuse and layered in obscure references that only work in your head. Secondly, face paint is fun when you’re 6-years-old and don’t have to wash your own sheets but gets significantly more annoying when you have work in the morning. And not least of all, your pets do not appreciate the hairless ape that has imprisoned them to parade them around, dressed as embarrassingly as possible.

Stay safe this holiday and remember these rules when that voice in your head starts to lie to you and fill you with unrealistic expectations.

D.A.R.E. lied, no one is giving out free drugs

THINGS THAT WON'T HAPPEN THIS HALLOWEEN SUBURBAN HOMES WILL GIVE OUT EXPENSIVE DRUGS TO CHILDREN HONEY, WHAT DID THE LATEST 'DRUG DEALER WEEKLY' SAY WE'RE HANDING OUT THIS YEAR? THE CBD GUMMY BEARS OR THE RAINBOW FENTANYL? CRACKED.COM

No one wants to have to think when they see a costume

THINGS THAT WON'T HAPPEN THIS HALLOWEEN PEOPLE WILL APPRECIATE YOUR OVERLY COMPLICATED, PUNNY COSTUME OHMYGOSH, DOCTOR HOUSE OF THE DRAGON?! LET'S FIND A CLOSET AND TOTALLY MAKE OUT! House MD CRACKED.COM

Our pets want their clothes off just as much as we want ours

THINGS THAT WON'T HAPPEN THIS HALLOWEEN YOUR PETS WILL SIT STILL IN THEIR COSTUME IN TIME TO GET A GOOD PICTURE PERFECT, NOW GIVE ME A LOOK THAT SAYS I KNOW I FARTED, I DID IT ON PURPOSE. YOU'RE A NATURAL, FIONA! YASS! GRACKED.COM

Craven kids crave candy

THINGS THAT WON'T HAPPEN THIS HALLOWEEN THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS WILL ACTUALLY JUST TAKE ONE HARK! WHAT DUBIOUS TEST IS THIS? SURELY THE VIRTUOUS CAN MAN TRULY BE ALTRUISTIC MAN USES HIS DISGUISE AS ON THIS, THE DEVIL'S NIGHT, AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO REVEAL НЕ HAUNTS THE LIVING WORLD HIS TRUE NATURE, AND NOT IN ANOTHER'S SKIN? AS A MASK TO HIDE IT. INDUBITABLY. LET US TAKE PART IN THE FULL SIZE TWIX. TAKE ONE CRACKED.COM

Not every song is "Thriller"

THINGS THAT WON'T HAPPEN THIS HALLOWEEN YOUR 16-SONG OCTOBER PLAYLIST WON'T GET BORING BY THE SECOND WEEK ОН BOY! 'THE ADDAMS FAMILY' THEME IS ON AGAIN! AND THEN NOTHING BUT 'MONSTER MASH' ON REPEAT AS I FALL ASLEEP! CRACKED.COM

Face paint is a face pain

THINGS THAT WON'T HAPPEN THIS HALLOWEEN YOU'LL STILL THINK WEARING FACE PAINT WAS A GOOD IDEA AFTER 4 HOURS NO SMUDGES, AND I HAVEN'T INGESTED ANY OIL BASED PAINT AT ALL! CRACKED.COM

Sleep with one eye open, gripping your pillow tight

THINGS THAT WON'T HAPPEN THIS HALLOWEEN YOU WILL FALL ASLEEP NO PROBLEM AFTER THE SCARY MOVIE MARATHON AH, TIME AT LAST TO DRIFT OFF INTO PEACEFUL SLUMBER WITH ALL MANNER OF HORROR AND SINISTER VIOLENCE STILL FRESH IN MY MIND. CRACKED.COM

The patch is empty

THINGS THAT WON'T HAPPEN THIS HALLOWEEN THERE WILL STILL BE PLENTY OF GOOD PUMPKINS LEFT TO PICK AH, I'M GLAD IT GAVE ALL THE SUCKERS I WAITED UNTIL TIME TO PICK OUT THE BAD THE LAST MINUTE. PUMPKINS AND LEAVE ME ONLY THE BEST, MOST ORANGE AND ROUND ONES THAT DEFINITELY AREN'T ALREADY ROTTING ON ONE SIDE! GRACKED.COM

Pumpkins have been replaced with holly

THINGS THAT WON'T HAPPEN THIS HALLOWEEN STORES WILL WAIT TO PUT OUT THEIR CHRISTMAS DISPLAYS CHRISTMAS AIN'T FOR 55 MORE DAYS. EXCUSE ME, TAKE IT WE ARE STILL IN SPOOKY DO YOU HAVE OUTSIDE, SEASON AND I WON'T CHRISTMAS YULE-LOVER! HAVE ANY OF THAT SANTA DECORATIONS? TALK IN MY STORE. CRACKED.COM

The magic is gone

THINGS THAT WON'T HAPPEN THIS HALLOWEEN THE MAGIC FROM WHEN YOU WERE A KID WILL RETURN I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT MY LOWER BACK PAIN ALL DAY! GRACKED.COM
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