25 Sensational Headlines That Made Our News Week

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25 Sensational Headlines That Made Our News Week

Do you like top secret documents? Do you like Mariah Carey? How about the CIA? No? Well, too bad – you're getting facts on all three anyway. Trump claimed he could declassify documents with nothing but the power of his mind. While talking to Sean Hannity on Fox, Trump claimed that just by thinking about doing so, he could declassify top secret documents while in office. Let's see if that holds up in court (spoiler alert: it won't). Mariah Carey says we should finally hear her secret 1995 grunge album: ‘Someone’s Ugly Daughter,' with Carey singing backup vocals. The recordings of her lead vocals have been unearthed and she says we should give them a listen… if we dare. And the CIA launched a podcast to prove that working at the Agency is boring as shit. The mission of “The Langley Files: A CIA Podcast” is to educate and connect with the general public, as well as dispel notions that it’s a glamorous line of work as often portrayed in pop culture (it totally isn't, it turns out.) 

Human Composting Now Legal in California.

California just made composting human corpses legal. GRACKED.COM About 5.3 million gallons of embalming liquid gets buried with bodies each year. Natu- ral organic reduction, which involves letting the body compost in a container with organic matter, is the greener alternative.

Gizmodo

Florida 2nd grader instructed to ‘send picture doing reading homework in bathtub.’

A 2nd grader was kicked out of a Christian school for not taking a picture of them reading in the bathtub. GRACKED.COM The Victory Christian Academy said the parents who raised questions were the first to do so in the years they've been assign- ing it, and kicked the kid out when the parents re- fused to withdraw her.

WHIO

Apple swapped the SIM tray in US iPhone 14 models with a plastic block.

Apple replaced the SIM tray in their iPhone 14 models with a useless, plastic block. 2:214 Taronto London Todos Vancouver Today - - f Clock Notes Cheese Photos A TD ... Western All iPhone 14 models sold Whitehos 10 Canada in the US rely entirely on bestagram Quercast Spotty N Lr digital eSIMs, and the Stack Messangel Union square piece of plastic is taking up space that could go towards a microSD card CRACKED.COM reader to expand the phone's memory.

My Broadband

Passenger arrested after being seen punching a flight attendant.

An American Airlines passenger punched a flight attendant in the back of the head. AA American DOUBE CRACKED.COM Alexander Tung Cuu Le missed his first haymaker, after being told to return to his assigned seat, and took the opportunity to wallop the attendant as he walked away to report the first whiff.

ABC

Snakes and mice are falling from the ceiling of a Lexington high school.

Snakes and mice are falling out of the ceiling onto children in a Lexington high school. GRACKED.COM Principal Paul Little as- sured parents that exter- minators are coming to deal with the rat, snake, and roach problem in the air conditioner-less struc- ture built in the 1970s.

ON3

Ford makes an app for pedestrians and cyclists to use so its vehicles don’t run them over.

Ford is developing an app to help its drivers not plow into pedestrians, that the pedestrians have to download. Ford CRACKED COM People who've downloaded the Ford-specific widget, and have it actively running on their phones would show up as beacons to drivers, that you for sure do not want to cream with your oversized truck.

Gizmodo

Google CEO Sundar Pichai said to not “equate fun with money” at an all-hands meeting.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai said to not equate fun with money at an all-hands meeting. CRACKED.COM Pichai earned a salary of over $1 billion every year between 2015 and 2020, so he can probably just shut the hell up forever, we think.

CNBC

Boater Fired on Coast Guard Helicopter responding to their distress call.

A Coast Guard helicopter responding to a distress call was fired upon by the boater in need of saving. LOW DE SAP 6552 GAPER CHOUS as COAST - with CRACKED.COM When the rescue team ар- proached the sailboat in the Gulf of Mexico, they at- tempted to lower a radio down and saw what ар- peared to be a firearm, and heard what appeared to be bullets hitting the aircraft.

USA Today

GOP congressional candidate said US suffered from women's suffrage.

A GOP congressional candidate makes the cool decision to disparage women's suffrage. CRACKED.COM John Gibbs, a candidate backed by Trump, argued that women's suffrage had made the United States into a totalitarian state and argued for a patriar- chal society run by men.

CNN

Man tried to check Queen was in coffin.

One man took it upon himself to verify the Queen was dead by checking her coffin. CRACKED.COM Muhammad Khan didn't be- lieve Queen Elizabeth II had died, and King Charles was behind the elaborate ruse. Khan was nabbed before he could figuratively and literal- ly pull back the curtain, so we may never know the truth.

BBC

SpongeBob shorts, socks lead to arrest of serial burglar.

A serial burglar's cartoon themed attire led to his arrest. CRACKED.COM Police in Tulsa say a string of burglaries in the area were perpetrated by some- one wearing SpongeBob shorts and socks, which they discovered in the home of Edward Price, AKA Smacc Man.

KBTX

Longest single-volume book in the world goes on sale – and is impossible to read.

The entire Japanese digital edition of One Piece was printed out and bound as an unreadable sculpture. CRACKED COM The sculpture, made from the manga that has been se- rialized in Japanese maga- zine Shonen Jump every week since 1997, material- izes the ecosystem of online dissemination of comics.

The Guardian

Doctor ditches car stuck in traffic, runs for 45 minutes to perform surgery.

A doctor in India ditched their car in traffic to run 45 minutes to surgery. CRACKED.COM Dr. Govind Nandakumar, a gastroenterology surgeon, decided to hoof it the rest of the 1.8 miles to not keep his patients waiting (who weren't allowed to eat until after the surgery.)

Times of India

Guinea Pig Awareness week has been cancelled for the Queen's funeral.

Guinea Pig Awareness week was canceled just because of the Queen's funeral. CRACKED COM As if they haven't suffered enough indignities, now a week dedicated to honoring the precious pigs has been torn from the history books on the count of some mon- arch the rodents don't even recognize deciding to croak.

Indy100

Aspiring Navy SEALs are using Viagra to self-medicate during qualifying drills.

Navy SEALs are using Viagra to stop from coughing up blood during qualifying drills. Pfizer GRAGKED.COM Recruits use Viagra during the physically demanding Hell Week to treat a dan- gerous build up of fluid in the lungs. The practice may help them pass, but at least one participant has died as a result.

Insider

Half-naked woman celebrating birthday fires shots out car window.

A Memphis woman was arrested for turning up a little too much for her birthday. THE PRO 9x19 CRACKED.COM Keirra Welch celebrat- ed her 23rd birthday the way God intended: shooting a glock from a moving vehicle while half naked and heavily intoxicated.

Action News

Far-Right German Party Gives Out Gummy Bears With X-Rated Flaw.

A far right German party accidentally made erotic gummies to attract voters. CRACKED.COM Lower Saxony's Alternative for Germany party made gummies in the shape of their red arrow logo, which, even to the most in- nocent eyes, clearly look like a dick and balls.

Huffington Post

Experts warn against new ‘sleepy chicken’ cooking trend.

An exasperated FDA is begging people to stop cooking chicken in NyQuil. CRACKED.COM The sleepy chicken fad on, what else, TikTok is a cause for concern to any parent with especially stu- pid children with full ac- cess to the medicine cabi- net and raw poultry.

NPR

Fecal philanthropist donates poop to save lives.

Fecal philanthropists are earning extra cash for their dookie donations. GRAGKED.COM Essentially you end up just pooping onto a plate and then scooping that into a collection tube and then dropping it off. It's as sim- ple as that, said one poopy pioneer, John Chmiel.

CBC

'No decision expected' for EU decision on unanimous decisions.

The EU decision on unanimous decisions has not resulted in a decision. CRACKED.COM EU affairs ministers have achieved little movement on using majority voting in- stead of unanimity on sanctions or human rights issues.

EU Observer

Protester who glued himself to Nanaimo bank sentenced with condition he cannot possess adhesives.

A protester is barred from possessing adhesives after he glued himself to a bank. SUPER BONDS RESPIRATORY WAI Set SKIN side NGEE panel SEC et IRAI AN GLUE NET WT. .07 OZ. (2g) DURO WARNING Contains water Danoacry date to 15 May cause allergic - en = to DO Ingestion fast with da not insule remine minutes cal appyscias For KEEP - skit nactor contact 254 di CRACKED.COM A Coastal GasLink pipeline protester was sentenced to 12 months of probation on the condition that he does not possess any glue, Su- per Glue, adhesive, fixa- tive, or resin outside his residence.

Chek News

Beyond Meat COO arrested for biting man’s nose.

The COO of Beyond Meat was arrested for biting a man's nose during a road rage incident. CRACKED.COM Doug Ramsey was named the COO of Beyond Meat in December 2021, and was a champion of team member safety and sits on the Ex- ecutive Safety Council.

FOX 24

CIA Launches First Podcast, ‘The Langley Files.’

The CIA launched a podcast to prove that working at the Agency is boring as shit. INTELLIGENCE AGENCY CENTRAL U GRAGKED.COM The mission of The Lang- ley Files: A CIA Podcast is to educate and connect with the general public, as well as dispel notions that it's a glamorous line of work as often portrayed in pop culture.

Variety

Mariah Carey says we should finally hear her secret 1995 grunge album.

We may finally be able to hear Mariah Carey's secret 1995 grunge album. CRACKED.COM A version of the record was quietly released under the band name Chick, titled 'Someone's Ugly Daughter,' with Carey singing backup vocals. Carey revealed the re- cordings of her lead vocals have been unearthed.

NPR

Trump Claims He Could Declassify Documents by Thinking About Doing so.

Trump claimed he could declassify documents with nothing but the power of his mind. CRACKED.COM While talking to Sean Hannity on Fox, Trump claimed that just by thinking about doing so, he could declassify top secret documents while in office. Let's see if that holds up in court.

Business Insider

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