15 Of The Funniest Jokes From Fav Comedians
![15 Of The Funniest Jokes From Fav Comedians](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/7/2/866972_320x180.jpg)
It is a truth universally acknowledged that anyone can enjoy this list of interesting facts, that we live in an age where the existence of a list such as this one can be considered normal, that anyone can even make such a list. But for some reason, I am not writing this introduction. I am writing it in the past tense. This is because I am not writing it at all, because I have written it and it is now a fact that I wrote it. So this is not a list of facts to entertain my brain, it is a list of facts which I have already entertained my brain with, and if you are reading this introduction you must have already entertained your brain with it as well. That's fine, I don't mind. You enjoy this list of interesting facts. I enjoyed it. I can only presume that you did as well.
![Bob Saget CRACKED.COM I told my girlfriend. Tonight when I come home, I wanna make love to you badly, and she said, 'At least you don't overestimate yourself. Just a quick one. The joke. The joke was a quick one. Thanks, Bob - RIP.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/8/7/866987.jpg)
![Dave Chappelle CRACKED.COM Terrorists don't take black hostag- es. I have yet to see one of us on the news, reading a hostage letter. 'Umm... They is treatin' us good. Uh, we all chillin' and sh!t. I'd like to give a shout out to Ray Ray and Big Steve and them. Send some Newports. It's always some Chad or Karen... Actual- ly Karen's probably a bad bargaining chip now.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/8/9/866989.jpg)
![Bill Hicks CRACKED.COM People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Ken- nedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a Presi- dent and the hijacking of our govern- ment by a totalitarian regime - who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares? From his 1993 album (eerily titled) Revelations one year before he passed away.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/8/8/866988.jpg)
![Amy Schumer CRACKED.COM I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You'd bang me, but you wouldn't blog about it. You won't be Twittering You won't believe who I'm inside. It's fine. Guys... Totally got laid last night. By who? It's not import- ant.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/8/6/866986.jpg)
![Mitch Hedberg CRACKED.COM I like vending machines... because snacks are better when they fall. If I go buy a candy bar in a store, often times I will drop it, so it reaches it's maximum flavor potential. Isaac Newton would agree.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/8/5/866985.jpg)
![Ali Wong CRACKED.COM If I ever do a nude scene, I want to be in shape just enough so nobody calls me cou- rageous for doing it. So brave.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/8/3/866983.jpg)
![Bill Burr CRACKED.COM Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you're going to go when you die? Dude, have you ever been dead? No. So, wouldn't it be safe to assume that you wouldn't have the slightest f*cking idea what you're talking about. Yeah, Aunt Diane! Now, please pass the stuffing!](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/8/4/866984.jpg)
![Rodney Dangerfield CRACKED.COM I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toast- er and a radio. Норе- fully there were some sweet tunes on that ra- dio.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/8/1/866981.jpg)
![Wanda Sykes CRACKED.COM I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange pant- ies in my dog's house. Good boy.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/7/9/866979.jpg)
![Steven Wright CRACKED.COM I've been getting into astronomy so I in- stalled a skylight. The people who live above me are furious. Neil deGrasse Tyson would be proud.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/8/2/866982.jpg)
Maria Bamford
![Maria Bamford Bong B Miercer St CRACKED.COM I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story prob- lems. If Maria's boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute? Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero. A calculator for hypotheti- cals... I'll take two!](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/8/0/866980.jpg)
Norm Macdonald
![Norm Macdonald CRACKED.COM I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embar- rassing thirty minutes of my life. Thirty min- utes?! Damn... Norm's dad was something.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/7/6/866976.jpg)
George Carlin
![George Carlin CRACKED.COM Electricity is really just organized lightning. Imagining lighting shuf- fling itself into an orga- nized little stream for our Vitamix is just fun (and smart).](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/7/8/866978.jpg)
Tig Notaro
![Tig Notaro CRACKED.COM I went on a hardcore drink- ing and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, Do not go in there. That age old equation of Comedy = Tragedy + Time.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/7/7/866977.jpg)
Chris Rock
![Chris Rock CRACKED.COM You don't need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars... You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thou- sand dollars there would be no more in- nocent bystanders. In a hilarious piece of social commentary, this joke on his 1999 special, Bigger & Blacker came just a few months after the Columbine shooting, and a recent spike in nation- wide gun violence.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/7/5/866975.jpg)