13 Hot Mating Tips From The Animal Kingdom

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13 Hot Mating Tips From The Animal Kingdom

Nature, in her infinite wisdom, is truly kinky. For every strange thing humans do to impress a potential mate (and, oh, people do some deeply disturbing things), the animal kingdom can out-weird you any day. In case you were embarrassed that you double-texted your crush, just remember bees literally roll over and die to mate with their queen. Very Romeo and Juliet of them, actually, if the queen cared at all.  

In the words of the great one-hit wonder Bloodhound Gang, “You and me, baby, ain’t nothing but mammals/So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.” However, we strongly advise against it in the instances that it breaks the law and/or human decency. So please, we beg of you, do not actually discard your penis after sex. With that legal warning that hereby absolves us of any inspiration, here’s that and 12 other dating tips that only that freaky Mother Nature could dream up. 

Lie about your height

NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM LIE ABOUT YOUR HEIGHT Male bowerbirds spent 80% of their day building structures to impress their mate. They arrange bones, shells, and stones by size to create an optical illusion. When the female bird views in the male in his dome, this forced perspective makes him appears larger.

Source: Nature

Offer gifts

NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM OFFER GIFTS Before breeding, the male nursery web spider will wrap up an insect in silk. This sweet gesture is to prevent the female from eating him. How romantic!

Source: Phys.org

Join a boyband

NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM JOIN A BOYBAND During winter, male humpback whales will gather to sing together to attract females. Immature whales will also join, to learn the song and make them even louder. The female isn't attracted to the individual voices but to their joint song that brings her to the area.

Source: WIRED

Make intricate crop circles

NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM MAKE INTRICATE CROP CIRCLES 5-inch-long male white-spotted pufferfish create ornate symmetrical patterns up to 7 feet in diameter in the sand, decorated with fragments of shells. Females will judge whether to mate based on the circles.

Source: Smithsonian

Discard your penis

NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM DISCARD YOUR PENIS Both sea slug partners have both a penis and vagina, and all are used in mating. Sea slugs have spines on their penises that may help remove rival's sperm from their mate's vagina. 20 minutes after sex, they discard their penis to ensure it's not contaminated with rival sperm and grow a new one the next day.

Source: Nature

Drink their pee

NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM DRINK THEIR PEE A male giraffe will whack the female until she pees, then taste her urine to see where she is on her cycle. If she's in heat, he'll follow her around for a few days until he can successfully mate with her.

Source: PopSci

Become one

NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM BECOME ONE In the greatest love story ever told, the male anglerfish eats a hole in side of his much larger female partner and implants himself, fusing together with her and essentially becoming a parasite with his one job to occasionally provide sperm.

Source: BBC Earth

Get in the middle of a fight

NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM GET IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT African bullfrogs will fight, sometimes to the death, in shallow pools. To avoid the smaller males who get pushed to the side, a female frog will swim underneath the group and emerge in the middle of the dominant males, ready to mate with the strongest male.

Source: BBC Earth

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