13 Hot Mating Tips From The Animal Kingdom
![13 Hot Mating Tips From The Animal Kingdom](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/7/4/9/858749_320x180.jpg)
Nature, in her infinite wisdom, is truly kinky. For every strange thing humans do to impress a potential mate (and, oh, people do some deeply disturbing things), the animal kingdom can out-weird you any day. In case you were embarrassed that you double-texted your crush, just remember bees literally roll over and die to mate with their queen. Very Romeo and Juliet of them, actually, if the queen cared at all.
In the words of the great one-hit wonder Bloodhound Gang, “You and me, baby, ain’t nothing but mammals/So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.” However, we strongly advise against it in the instances that it breaks the law and/or human decency. So please, we beg of you, do not actually discard your penis after sex. With that legal warning that hereby absolves us of any inspiration, here’s that and 12 other dating tips that only that freaky Mother Nature could dream up.
Get a wingman
![NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM GET A WINGMAN The dominant male swallow-tailed Manakin will grab a friend or two to join his mating dance to impress a female. When the female is aroused, he dismisses the others and performs a solo dance that leads to breeding.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/7/3/7/858737.jpg)
Source: Birdwatching
Lie about your height
![NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM LIE ABOUT YOUR HEIGHT Male bowerbirds spent 80% of their day building structures to impress their mate. They arrange bones, shells, and stones by size to create an optical illusion. When the female bird views in the male in his dome, this forced perspective makes him appears larger.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/7/0/2/858702.jpg)
Source: Nature
Offer gifts
![NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM OFFER GIFTS Before breeding, the male nursery web spider will wrap up an insect in silk. This sweet gesture is to prevent the female from eating him. How romantic!](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/6/9/8/858698.jpg)
Source: Phys.org
Join a boyband
![NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM JOIN A BOYBAND During winter, male humpback whales will gather to sing together to attract females. Immature whales will also join, to learn the song and make them even louder. The female isn't attracted to the individual voices but to their joint song that brings her to the area.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/7/4/1/858741.jpg)
Source: WIRED
Make intricate crop circles
![NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM MAKE INTRICATE CROP CIRCLES 5-inch-long male white-spotted pufferfish create ornate symmetrical patterns up to 7 feet in diameter in the sand, decorated with fragments of shells. Females will judge whether to mate based on the circles.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/6/9/9/858699.jpg)
Source: Smithsonian
Pee on them
![NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM PEE ON THEM From up to seven feet away, male porcupines will spray their urine on a lady. If she's into his his pheromones, she won't let him stop mating until he's physically exhausted. Female porcupines are only receptive to advances 8 to 12 hours per year, so male porcupines are used to rejection.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/6/7/3/858673.jpg)
Source: Royal Society of Biology
Discard your penis
![NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM DISCARD YOUR PENIS Both sea slug partners have both a penis and vagina, and all are used in mating. Sea slugs have spines on their penises that may help remove rival's sperm from their mate's vagina. 20 minutes after sex, they discard their penis to ensure it's not contaminated with rival sperm and grow a new one the next day.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/6/7/2/858672.jpg)
Source: Nature
Drink their pee
![NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM DRINK THEIR PEE A male giraffe will whack the female until she pees, then taste her urine to see where she is on her cycle. If she's in heat, he'll follow her around for a few days until he can successfully mate with her.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/6/3/8/858638.jpg)
Source: PopSci
Become one
![NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM BECOME ONE In the greatest love story ever told, the male anglerfish eats a hole in side of his much larger female partner and implants himself, fusing together with her and essentially becoming a parasite with his one job to occasionally provide sperm.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/6/6/6/858666.jpg)
Source: BBC Earth
Roleplaying
![NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM ROLEPLAYING Bee orchids grow flowers that look like a lady bee to deceive male bees into mating with them so bees will transfer their pollen. (We certainly don't recommend you try sexual deception at home.)](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/6/4/5/858645.jpg)
Source: Beaty Biodiversity Museum
Clean up
![NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM CLEAN UP The male Argus Pheasant will clean up an area of around 72 feet, removing debris, before inviting potential mates over with an early morning u up call. When a female comes over, he impresses her with a foot-stomping dance in his clean arena.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/6/6/1/858661.jpg)
Source: BBC Earth
Learn aerial maneuvers
![NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM LEARN AERIAL MANEUVERS Broad-tailed hummingbirds do dives of over 100 feet to impress a lady. As he impressively synchronizes his dive to reach a perched mate, the male achieves maximum speed, makes a sexy noise with his tail feathers, and shows off those irresistible iridescent throat feathers.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/6/5/1/858651.jpg)
Source: Princeton
Get in the middle of a fight
![NATURE'S DATING TIPS CRACKED.COM GET IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT African bullfrogs will fight, sometimes to the death, in shallow pools. To avoid the smaller males who get pushed to the side, a female frog will swim underneath the group and emerge in the middle of the dominant males, ready to mate with the strongest male.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/6/5/5/858655.jpg)
Source: BBC Earth