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34 Real Creatures More Terrifying Than Any Work of Fiction

By:: Cracked Writers; Timon DJ Spajic

August 22, 2023

34 Real Creatures More Terrifying Than Any Work of Fiction

Who needs fiction when most animals on this planet are scarier than any made-up creature? Spiders spinning 80-foot webs, crabs that break open coconuts and manatees fill our nightmares. We know what you’re thinking: manatees? The gentle cows of the sea? Well, yes — they fart. A lot. In fact, they fart to control their buoyancy. Now, can you imagine a 1,000-pound manatee ripping fatties all day?

Anyway, here are 34 real animals that could be the stars of their own horror franchise…

34

The COCONUT CRAB is big enough to eat, well, coconuts. The claws of this beast are strong enough to crack open the coconuts it snacks on. It isn't a vegetarian monster, though it has been observed to hunt rats and sea birds. CRACKED.COM — National Geographic

33

THE DARWIN'S BARK SPIDER SPINS 80-FOOT WEBS, It spins its webs across rivers like a fishing net, and scientists speculate that a Darwin's bark spiderweb is strong enough to catch a bird. CRACKED.COM http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2010/09/photogalleries/100917-darvins- Mbark-spider-new-species-spider-webs-madagascar-science-pictures-strongest/ — 25 Animals IRL That Will Haunt Your Dreams

32

VAMPIRE DEER won't suck your blood (probably). Several species of deer come outfitted with a nice pair of fangs. The long, pointy chompers work better than antlers in thick vegetation, as they don't get tangled. CRACKED.COM — National Geographic

31

SEAGULLS EAT THE EYES OF NEWBORN SEALS. Kelp gulls will wait for the blinded seal to die and then come back for its remains. CRACKED.COM — Discover

30

QUETZALCOATLUS Dead for 65 million years. 36'WINGSPAN, 550 LBS CRACKED COM This giraffe-sized flying dinosaur was SO big that, even with hollow bones, scientists are unsure if it could actually take flight. We're not sure which is worse, a pterodactyl with wings the length of a city bus flying towards you, or one galloping at you with its 8' beak wide open. — BBC Earth

29

OTTERS ARE KNOWN TO KILL BABY SEALS THROUGH INTERCOURSE In addition, they have been reported to have violent, forced sex with dogs. Males have also been seen having sex with dead otter bodies. CRACKED.COM — Snopes

28

PETTING A BIRD AROUSES THEM. A bird's sexual hormones are stimulated when it gets pet on its back. Some vets advise you to only pet the head and feet of a bird in order to not sexually frustrate it. CRACKED.COM — Best Friends

27

White Bellbirds GRACKED.COM Love is blind, but I bet these birds wish it was mute. The male white bellbird screams directly into the face of its potential mate, at a staggering 125 decibels - as loud as an ambulance siren. Just slide into her DMs like a normal person. — Gizmodo

26

INSTEAD OF VOMITTING, FROGS TURN THEIR STOMACHS INSIDE OUT. They eject their stomachs from their mouths and flip it inside out like a pocket. CRACKED.COM — Science Facts

25

CLOWNFISH WILL EAT THE EGGS OF ANY DEFORMED OFFSPRING. A truthful Finding Nemo would be extremely dark. CRACKED.COM — Florida Museum

24

BABY KOALAS EAT THEIR MOM'S POOP Joeys initially breastfeed, but for several weeks it will peek its head out of its mom's poach to feast from its mom's butt. CRACKED.COM — PBS

23

MEGALODON Dead for 3.6 million years. 67,132,000 LBS CRACKED.COM Megalodon was not only one of the biggest fish ever but one of the largest predators to terrorize the planet. The only natural predator to today's Great White shark (besides humans) are Killer Whales, but during the Miocene era not even whales were safe from the megalodon's 11' wide jaws. — Science Magazine

22

Octopuses CRACKED.co Octopuses team up with fish to hunt prey, but researchers found they aren't always the best partners. The tentacled terrors were seen to use their 8 arms to sock their fish friends right in the kisser, for no other reason than spite. — Independent

21

Manatees CRACKED.COM When the docile sea COW isn't busy chewing on sea cud, they are filling the waterways with their bubbling plant-farts; all that vegetation in their diet fills them with methane, which they release to control buoyancy. — 5 Adorable Animals Who Are the Biggest Assholes on Earth

20

Hippopotamuses CRACKED.co These chunky river horses won't hesitate to mess you up - and 86.7% of the time it's fatal. You have better odds with a lion (75% fatal). If you want a hippopotamus for Christmas, maybe do your research first. — Vox

19

Cuckoo Birds CRACKED.COM Cuckoos lay their eggs in the nests of other birds, and when they hatch the cuckoo chick disposes of the other eggs. Thus the term cuckold was born, and internet comment sections were never the same. — The 6 Biggest Assholes in the Animal Kingdom

18

THE WOLF TRAP ANGLERFISH HAS A BUILT-IN FISHING POLE. They're called wolf traps because their massive jaws open horizontally, not vertically. CRACKED.COM https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thaumatichthvidae — 25 Animals IRL That Will Haunt Your Dreams

17

Bottle-nosed Dolphins CRACKED.COM Dolphins have been found to use their snouts to ram the undersides of porpoises until they're good and dead. They even use their sonar to locate internal organs, like an evil version of Daredevil. — The 6 Biggest Assholes in the Animal Kingdom

16

THE SHOCKING PINK DRAGON IS A MILLIPEDE. Scientists figure its bright pink color is there to warn predators about its toxicity. CRACKED.COM hhttp://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2008/07/06/phatogalleries/species-photos/pho — 25 Animals IRL That Will Haunt Your Dreams

15

HALLUCIGENIA Dead for 488 million years. 2LONG CRACKED.COM It put those legs to good use and walked right into our nightmares. This small ocean dweller's fossilized remains baffled scientists SO much they had a hard time finding its head from its ass. A half-billion years separate this cactus-spiked tapeworm from modern man, but it still doesn't seem like enough. — BBC

14

The Yeti Crab CRACKED.c .COM Besides looking strange, the yeti crab is crawling with bacteria. Scientists think it cultivates these bacteria, which live in its arm hair, to eat. — Smithsonian

13

DAEODON Dead for 16 million years. 6.5', 2000 LBS CRACKED.CO With slender legs for galloping and jaws for crushing bone, the aptly named 'Terminator Pig' stood eye-to-eye with your average NBA player. It's commonly categorized as an omnivore and opportunistic scavenger rather than an apex predator, but it was probably more dangerous than it's smaller, modern cousin the hippo. — Scientific American

12

CRACKEDG The SNUB-NOSED MONKEY has no nose. Several species exist - all of them endangered. (What? How can we know its smell? Don't ask dumb questions.) — New England Primate Conservancy

11

ANTS PASS THE SELF-RECOGNITION MIRROR TEST Only the smartest animals (dolphins, apes, elephants) can pass the test... as well as some species of ants. CRACKED.COM — Irish Times

10

The HAIRY FROG breaks its own fingers. On purpose. Like it wanted a role in the X-Men movies, it turns its broken bones into claws. CRACKED.COM — New Scientist, Wikimedia Commons

9

The GOLIATH TIGERFISH eats crocodiles (maybe). You probably shouldn't get too close to this 5-foot-long river monster with a mouthful of dagger-like teeth. It lives in the Congo Basin, where it's said to prey on crocodiles (smaller ones, at least). CRACKED.COM — Animal Planet, David Mailland/Wikimedia Commons

8

KILLER WHALES ARE ATTACKING BOATS ON PURPOSE. The recent, unusual attacks are orchestrated. It might be because humans are a stressing the animals out. CRACKED.COM — The Guardian

7

The Squid Worm CRACKED .COM This bug is perfectly named. It's a WORM with a head that looks like a squid. It uses those tentacles for breathing and grabbing stuff. — National Geographic

6

The Fishing Spider CRACKED. .COM The fishing spider doesn't need a web. It plucks its prey out of the water, often while balancing on the surface. It also branches out: One was spotted trying to kill a bat. — Penn State

5

Anoura Fistulata CRACKED .COM This South American bat has a tongue that extends to one and a half times the length of its body. That's why it has a name that sounds like a sex act. — National Geographic

4

ARTHROPLEURA Dead for 305 million years. 8.5'LONG CRACKED The Carboniferous Period led to the rise of immense bugs when there was a greater amount of oxygen in the atmosphere, and none were more unsettling than the giant centipede. The 'armor' wasn't meant to help defend it from predators, on account of it being at the top of the food chain. — March Onto Land: The Silurian Period to the Middle Triassic Epoch

3

CROWS HOLD GRUDGES AGAINST PEOPLE. AND PASS THEM ON. American crows remember faces of people who hurt them, and get other crows to attack the offenders. CRACKED.COM — The Royal Society

2

Honeypot Ants CRACKED.co The honeypot ant is a living pantry. It gorges itself on flower nectars during the rainy season then feeds other ants mouth-to-mouth the rest of the year. — National Geographic

1

OGRE-FACED SPIDERS CAN HEAR WITH THEIR LEGS When they hear their airborne prey, they backflip to strike and bag their victims in a web. You gotta bad for anything that dies looking into these eyes. CRACKED.COM — Science Daily

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