14 All-Star Quotes From The Big Banana Himself, Shaq

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14 All-Star Quotes From The Big Banana Himself, Shaq

Shaq is both an immovable object and an unstoppable force. Can God create a Shaq that even Shaq himself cannot guard? Shaq has the answer: 

Shaq is fashionable and generous. CRACKED.COM Sports reporter Craig Sager once pressed him on his plans to improve in the off-season. Shaq said Buy you a new jacket. That's horrible. No, you know what that is? That's horrawful. That's horrible and awful mixed together.

Shaq was fundamentally incompatible with the Knicks. CRACKED.COM In my young juvenile days, I was an idiot, and I bought 30 cars. And I need to drive those cars, and New York isn't really the place you can do that.

Shaq reminded rival Bill Walton who wrote the Big Man Rulebook. CRACKED.COM I think Mr. Walton has broken the Big Man Pecking Order Code, Ordinance 225.7, which means his resume isn't quite good enough to speak on what I've done... No big man under should talk about a big man above.

Shaq reminds us that not all heroes wear capes. Some wear deli meats. TAKERS CRACKED.COM Kobe always tired to be a hero. But you know, as the saying goes, a hero ain't nothing but a sandwich.

When ESPN asked him about Kobe, Shaq couldn't quite place the name. CRACKED.COM Who? You know what, I am not familiar with that name, I know a lot of names and I have a lot of names in my head, but I am not familiar with that name. Especially if there is nothing to talk about, I'm sorry I can't recall that name.

Shaq shows appreciation to his enemies. CRACKED.COM After Jerry Stackhouse brutally stuffed him at the rim, he said My daughters tackle me harder when I come home... It actually felt pretty good to get hit like that. Thank you, Jerry, I appreciate it.

Shaq says adversity ain't sh*t to him. CRACKED.COM Every challenge you put in front of me, I've handled it, dismantled it, ate them, dropped them off in the bathroom and flushed them away.

Shaq knows the importance of maintaining a spotless chaise. CRACKED.COM After recovering from a bad thumb injury: Just glad I got my thumbs back. You know, for six weeks, I couldn't even wipe my furniture.

Shaq isn't an astronomy man. He is astronomy, man. MARATIONAL CRACKED.COM Pluto is not a planet, but I am.

Shaq has transcended mathematics. CRACKED.COM There is no answer to the Pythagorean theorem. Well, there is an answer, but by the time you figure it out, I got 40 points, 10 rebounds and then we're planning for the parade.

The Acropolis' hottest new club is The Parthenon. It has everything: Shaq... CRACKED.COM Did he visit the Parthenon while he was in Greece? I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.

Can God create a Shaq that even Shaq can't guard? CRACKED.COM When asked how he'd go about defending himself, he said I wouldn't. I would just go home. I'd fake an injury or something.

Shaq had hubrous coursing through his veins as early as high school. REEP CRACKED.COM When asked what he attributed his team's championship win to, he said I attribute it to me.

Shaq's godawful freethrow percentage is merely divine intervention. 9 CRACKED.COM Me shooting 40 percent at the foul line is just God's way of saying that nobody's perfect. If I shot 90 percent from the line, it just wouldn't be right.

Related: Comedy Roasts: We Roast The Cringey Ones (Including Shaq's)

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