We love Hollywood for its escapism, not always for its realism. And that same Hollywood magic that makes car chases look like fun instead of terrifying events provides us with some weird sexy tropes that just don't apply to real life. We asked Cracked readers on Facebook, “What's something that's portrayed as sexy in Hollywood that doesn't translate to real life?” And you had some very unsexy answers…

TELL US NOW. VIRGINITY Amber M. says, Virginity is not sexy, and even if there are people out there whose first times were great (mine was), the story line of 'You've never given head before but man you are the best at it that there ever was' trope just has to stop. It is not sexy; inexperience is not sexy. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. SWIMMING POOLS Roger S. reminds US, Chlorinated water is NOT a lubricant. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. SPITTY KISSES Amanda R. says, Wet, sloppy kisses that go on forever. Swallow some of that saliva, dude. I'm not attracted to Saint Bernards. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. SHOWER SEX Sean M. says, It's clunky, one partner is always cold, and it's a good way to slip and break something (or worse). It's a discussion with an EMT tech or detective waiting to happen. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. SEXY ALIENS Mark S. says, Sexy aliens are unrealistic. Chimps are 98% the same as US, and don't we find them sexy. Imagine how different aliens will be. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. ROSE PETALS Nina F. says, Flower petals thrown everywhere. That's a mess that needs to be cleaned up and will stain things and stick to you uncomfortably. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. OLD TIMEY SEX Frank T. says, Love scenes that take place in historical times. It seems like they probably really smell bad since baths and showers weren't common. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. MORNING BREATH Jamie F. shares, Kissing with morning breath. Literally EVERYONE has rotten mouth in the morning. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. POTTERY Michael R. says, Thanks for making that fetishy, Ghost. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. LACK OF DIRECTION Daniel W. shares, The way they always manage to get it in without ever reaching down to guide it. Sometimes, they manage to get it in without taking their pants off! CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. DESTRUCTION Dawn S. says, Wrecking a room in a moment of unrestrained passion. ... I'm all for having sex when and where the mood strikes, but you'd have to clean up all the mess. Also, not sexy nor comfortable for the person on the bottom. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. CHOCOLATE David P. shares, Chocolate in the bedroom is a BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD idea. Especially chocolate sauce. You think it's going to be great, until you realize how horrific the visual combination of chocolate and genitals is... CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. CAR FUN Lauren E. says, It's very uncomfortable, like in the back of a Volkswagen. Arm rests and shifters and things poking and getting in the way. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. GETTING BEACHY Knox W. warns, Making love in the surf at night. The water's cold every time it washes over you, and things are crawling around on the sand not to mention what can wash up, or even the lack of privacy. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. NOT USING BATHROOM AFTER Anna B. says, The whole thing about having sex and then falling asleep together immediately after. Y'all know damn good and well you need to clean up and go pee to prevent those UTIs. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. SHARING A BATH Peter G. says, I'm 6'1, which is not excessively tall, but even on my own, I barely fit. Plus one of you has taps digging into your back. And unless you expedite the situation with some efficiency, you're looking at a tub full of lukewarm person-soup and some rather pruny-looking persons. CRACKED.COM

TELL US NOW. AIRPORT SCENES Josh H. tells US, When the male lead tracks down the love interest (who has already made her intention to leave him clear) at the airport/train station/bus stop to try to force her to stay. In real life that comes off as hyper-controlling and/or stalker-like, and it would have most women dialing 911 rather than throwing themselves into their ex's arms. CRACKED.COM
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