20 Ancient Solutions to Pressing Problems Nobody Had
Long before Kickstarter or viral life hacks, humans invented solutions for problems nobody actually had. Romans smeared crocodile dung to prevent pregnancy, Greeks examined animal livers to predict politics, and Chinese nobles painfully bound young girls’ feet to signal status.
Inventors proudly crafted golden masks, fish perfume, mechanical calculators, and even ceramic sex vases, thinking they were shaping the world. Some solutions were dangerous, some absurd, but all were attempts at brilliance in the most unnecessary ways imaginable.
Looking back, it is clear ingenuity often ignored necessity. Ancient humans loved overcomplicating life, creating bizarre contraptions that solved nothing yet somehow still impress.
Lead Plumbs – Rome, Antiquity
Plumb lines shaped like fish ensured verticality while wasting precious material.
Armor Props – Japan, Kamakura+
Samurai maintained armor shape at rest, adding weight and complexity unnecessarily.
Cylinder Seals – Sumer, 3500 BCE+
Rolled impressions authenticated documents, fancier but less practical than flat stamps.
Moche Vases – Peru, 100–800 CE
Vessels showed contorted sexual positions nobody could realistically replicate.
Pottery Votes – Athens, 5th C BCE
Citizens voted using shards, when wooden tablets were simpler.
Antikythera – Greece, 150–100 BCE
Complex gears predicted eclipses that simple tables could handle just fine.
Snake Diet – China, Qing+
Imperial elixirs promised vitality, delivering toxicity over longevity.
Helmet Plumes – Greece/Rome/Persia
Massive feathers made warriors intimidating, helmets heavy and snag-prone.
Solar Mirrors – Rome, Antiquity
Polished metal or water lenses started fires, ignoring easier fire-starting methods.
Croc Dung – Egypt, Antiquity
Mixtures promised birth control but caused more illness than prevention.
Roof Dragons – China, Dynasties
Dragon sculptures on rooftops supposedly warded off evil, adding sculptural labor.
Tin Phones – Europe, Medieval
Taut strings transmitted sound across short distances, quieter than yelling.
Fire Tubes – Byzantine Med, 7th–11th C
Engineers shot liquid fire from tubes, risky for battles that rarely needed it.
Pyxis Boxes – Greece, 5th C BCE+
Athenian women stored cosmetics in artful cylinders, turning boxes into museum pieces.
Gold Masks – Egypt, Middle Kingdom+
Pharaohs wore golden faces to the afterlife, ensuring identification with lethal shine.
Croc Chairs – Egypt, New Kingdom
Beds and chairs shaped like reptiles supposedly offered protection, complicating sitting.
Human Sacrifice – Tenochtitlan, 1325–1521 CE
Hearts offered to gods to prevent apocalypse, ignoring simpler solutions.
Lotus Feet – China, 10th–20th C
Painful bindings made women desirable, trading mobility and health for fashion.
Liver Reading – Etruria/Rome, Iron Age–Empire
Priests inspected organs for political guidance when gut instinct would suffice.
Fish Perfume – Rome, Antiquity
Elite Romans paid big for fermented fish scents to “mask” everyday odors.
