37 Weirdo Old-School Toys That Probably Did More Harm Than Good

Back in our day, playtime was a survival sport
37 Weirdo Old-School Toys That Probably Did More Harm Than Good

How rough did we have it back then? Well, even our toys were out to get us! Yep, you’d think you were finally able to wind down after a tough day of bullies, and drill sergeant-esque teachers, but even your bright-colored, off-putting and highly offensive play things were out for blood.

How did we ever survive them? We honestly couldn’t tell you.

Atomic Energy Lab

ATOMIC ENERGY LAB GILBERT musle or physics - ... ATOMIC ENERGY LAB - - - CROTHIC EXPERIMENTO - بيد - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - . available - - - - Emiting! Safe! - SILBERT RALL OF SCIENCE - ... Where CRACKED.COM SILBERT CLOUD CHAMPER Did the Atomic Energy Lab come with actual uranium? Why, yes. Yes, it did.

Fifty Shades of Grey Vermont Teddy Bear

THE VeRMONT TEDDY BeAR COMPANY SELLS A FIFTY SHADES OF GREY TEDDY BeAR Actual text from the website: Want to leave her biting her lip with excitement? Send a gift that will dominate the rest. It comes with a mask and handcuffs. CRACKED.COM http://www.vermantfeddybear.com/sellgroup/fifty-shades-of-grey-bear.aspx?

Yoda Magic 8-Ball

UP MY SKIRT, YOU MUST LOOK, TO SEE YOUR FUTURE. 150 Ages 4 and up No. 69370 STAR THE EMPIRE YODA STRIKES BACK THE JEDI MASTER. WARS Kenner CERTAIN CANNOT BE HE ANSWERS ALL YOUR Kenner QUESTIONS! - - - - - - HA It's the Yoda Magic 8-Ball, complete with mangled grammar. We assume the most-asked question is why? CRACKED.COM http://www.dallasvintagetoys.com/1981kennerstarwarsesbyodamagicBballfortunetellerwbox.aspx

Sky Dancers

Product Recalls Sky Dancers In 2000, Galoob Toys Inc. recalled 8.9 million Sky Dancers flying dolls due to reports of 150 injuries, including eye injuries, broken teeth, a mild concussion, a broken rib, and facial lacerations. CRACKED

Dune Activity Book

YOU CAN COLOR IN BARON HARKONNEN'S WEEPING PUSTULES IN THIS DUNE-THEMED ACTIVITY BOOK FOR KIDS. DUNE ACTIVITY BOOK - - - - - - Dune was a trippy sci-fi drama about space drugs, complicated galactic political intrigues and Sting in his underwear. CRACKED.COM http://oihouse.net/2011/03/ranchised-goodies-for-the-children-of-dune/

Rafiki Wiggle Tail Figure

37 Weirdo Old-School Toys That Probably Did More Harm Than Good

Buzz Lightyear Funtime Tumbler

GO TO THIRD BASE AND BEYOND. WITH THIS BUZZ LIGHTYeAR FUNTIME TUMBLER! Comment de OF NOP BPA ING 400 - - The version that's currently available for sale has the straw on the other side, but reviewers confirm that with a firm twist, you can enjoy Buzz as pictured. GRACKED.COM http://www amazon.com/Zak-Designs-Lightyear-Funtime-Tumbler/dp/B004B5B26G

The Butcher Playset

BUTCHER PLAYSET GRACKED.COM The trouble started when Jeffrey asked if we could pretend to disembowl a hog.

The Snoopy Sno-Cone

THE SNOOPY a MAY The Men THE ORIGINAL Snoopy SNO-CONE Sno-cone Machine MACHINE MAKE A SNOOPY TASTY TREAT CONTAINS A WITH ICE CUBES & FLAVOR PACK LOOSE BRASS RIVET WARNING CHOKING HAZARC NET WT - - THAT CAN CAUTION NACIONAL - chocolate - DROP INTO THE SNOW CONES. It's been recalled. GRAGKED.COM http://www toysnisinc com/safety/recalis/snoopy-sno-cone-machine/

Titanic Game

SINKING OF THE TITANIC GAME The sinking of the TITANIC game TITANIC CRACKED.COM IDEAL The game you play as the ship goes down... then face the perll of the open sea! ADES WEAR REQUIRED INEPLAYERS - CON The sounds of people drowning are something that I can not describe to you ... it's the most dreadful sound. -Eva Hart, Titanic survivor

Breaking Bad Action Figures

PARENTS RECENTLY PETITIONED TOYS R US TO PULL THE BREAKING BAD ACTION FIGURES FROM THEIR SHELVES. A WARNING: Ages CHOKING HAZARD The Walter White 15+ BEW - figure comes with a 35 gun, a bag of cash, and Br eaking 56 a baggie full of meth*. Bad TOY FAIR NY 14 EXCLUSIVE 100 Not actual meth. an actual gun or actual cash Walter White Figura Toys R Us no longer sells them. CRACKED.COM

Jar Jar Binks Tongue Candy

THIS CANDY TREAT LETS YOU FRENCH-KISS JAR JAR BINKS. doo I CANDY Binks JOY ARE FOR COMM I I PISODE WARS STAR - We're assuming it tastes like thinly-veiled racism. CRACKED.COM

The Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Vibrating Broom

THIS IS THE HARRY POTTER NIMBUS 2000 VIBRATING BROOM. Sadly, they're no longer sold. It's a dick- shaped toy that vibrates when children stick it between their legs. (actual photo from Amazon) Actual Amazon review: When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibrating). My oldest daughter (17) really

The Punisher

THE PUNISHER SHAPE- SHIFTER IS so GLAD TO SEE YOU. In the interest of full disclosure, we should note that he's pictured mid-transformation, at left. He's actually meant to shoot darts out of his ass. CRACKED.COM http//www.collector-actionfigues com/dash/universe/catalog_item/AF-382048/

Battlestar Galactica

THE MISSILES LAUNCHED BY THIS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA TOY ACTUALLY PROVED DEADLY TO KIDS. The launcher caused ripped intestines, eye injuries, and one death when a missile lodged in a child's esophagus. They were recalled in 1979. SCARAB CRACKED.COM http://resources.lawinfo.com/personal-injury/products-liability/

Barack Obama Sock Monkey

CRACKED.COM A BLACK PERSON AS A MONKEY? SOMEBODY SAID. ADORABLE! NO ONE WILL EVER OBJECT. A sock monkey representing Barack Obama was released by a man Utah-based company during the '08 presidential race. Its makers claimed they never intended to upset anyone with their cute and cuddly monkey, somehow unaware that this is an old and tired racist caricature.

Easy-Bake Oven

CRACKED.COM Easy Bake To FINGERS ARE EASY TO BURN WITH THE 18:88 EASY-BAKE. For decades, the Easy-Bake Oven has allowed countless children to bake delicious, diabetes- inducing treats. And fingers. In 2007, the Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a huge recall after dozens of incidents of burned fingers, including some second-and third-degree burns.

Bratz Babyz

CRACKED.COM BRATZ BABYZ SHOW YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO BE A MINX. - in These dolls went through the whole process of being conceived, designed, pitched, approved, manufactured, and distributed, and apparently no one along the line thought of saying, You know, maybe we really shouldn't sexualize babies.

Amazonian Barbie

AMAZONIA BARBIE WOULD FEEL LOST IN THE ACTUAL AMAZON. You'd have to travel the Amazon for years to find the one person Amazonia Barbie was inspired by, and it'd probably be some tourist deluded that they' 're blending with the local culture. From the feathers atop her hair to her tribal tattoos, this Barbie looks conceived by people who think that South America is some mythical land. CRACKED COM

Communist Action Figures

CRACKED COM YOU CAN GO HIKING WITH KARL MARX AND HIS FRIENDS! MOUNTAIN RESEARCH Japanese toy maker Mountain Research released a foursome of surveyors modeled after Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Mao Zedong, and Henry David Thoreau. There's no indication as to why two Communist dictators, the philosopher who inspired them, and an unrelated poet guy are hiking mountain trails.

Javelin Darts

CRACKED.COM IT TOOK DEAD CHILDREN TO BAN LAWN DARTS. Contains 4 JAVELIN DARTS 2 TARGET CIRCLES HASBRO JAVELIN DARTS If you're going, What the hell were they thinking to sell huge flying metal spikes to play with, S you're not alone. The U.S. banned them for good in the late '80s-but only after they had caused thousands of injuries (and a few deaths) over three decades.

Pink Ribbon Barbie

PINK RIBBON mpow right BARBIE Ure SHOWED HOW GLAMOROUS CANCER CAN BE. In 2006, Mattel wanted to honor breast cancer survivors with their Pink Ribbon Barbie. While part of the profits were donated, not every survivor felt very honored by a perfectly coiffed princess who, unlike many of the people it was purported to represent, had long flowing locks and both breasts in place. CRACKED.COM

April O’Neil

CRACKED.COM APRIL O'NEIL WILL SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME. Hey, do you remember that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where April was a streetwalker? Neither do we, but that didn't stop Playmates Toys from releasing this Ravishing Reporter action figure, complete with detachable skirt.

Jesus

CRACKED.COM JESUS IS TRULY KING OF KITSCH. Who knew Jesus was SO kick-ass at such a variety of activities? And the crown of thorns doesn't seem to bother him, either! These figurines are supposed to be wholesome and inspiring, but they ultimately come across as blasphemously tacky instead.

Baby Princess Diana

CRACKED COM BABY PRINCESS DIANA WILL HAUNT YOU. Ashton-Drake Galleries makes creepy realistic baby dolls for adults to treat like real infants. Not disturbing enough for you? How about a replica of a beloved dead princess when she was a baby?

Charlie Iron-Knife

CRACKED COM SPIRIT WAS A JUMBLE OF STEREOTYPES IN THE SHAPE OF AN ACTION FIGURE. Everything about G.I. Joe figure Spirit was a Native American stereotype, starting with his name: Charlie Iron-Knife. His card file described him as a tracker, a shaman, and a mystic warrior. Не also had an American eagle, because we know every Native American is issued one of those.

Boglins

CRACKED.COM FORAGES 5 & OVER BOGLINS OUTRAGEOUS CREATURES THAT COME ALIVE IN YOUR HANDS! Flesh-like texture Eyes that move Looks like aborted troll fetus ONLY! DON'T POKE WARE: GERSTHROUGH BARS! 20 years of nightmares NDLE THROUGH BOTTO MATTEL DWORK

Spanish Barbie

Collected Olé! Fun: Reinforcing Ethnic Stereotypes SPANISH While Glamorizing Barbie Animal Cruelty. 20 MINI DOK not been CRACKED COM

Rollerblade Barbie

CRACKED.COM $10 RÉBATE Rollerblade Barbie had skates that light up... Barbie Rollerblade Skates flicker'a Bash! Because they were basically lighters.

Food Fighters

Well, GI Joe is We need an selling like idea for a hotcakes... new toy! GIJOE + FOOD FIGHTERS CRACKED.COM

Wacky Wild West Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

In 1992 we saw our fun loving pal Michelangelo turn into an angry mexican stereotype. In an effort to pack even more racism into the Wacky Wild West line, Playmates included Chief Leo. CRACKED.COM

Megatron Gun

IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE ROBS A 7-ELEVEN WITH MEGATRON CRACKED.COM

Stripper Pole

CRACKED.COM IT'S A STRIPPER POLE! FOR PRETEENS! peekabo Pole Date This toy stripper pole, complete with a garter and money to stuff into it, could be found in 2006 in the British grocery store chain Tesco. They denied the pole was marketed to children, despite the fact that it was exhibited in the toy section and advertised boo I i I as suitable for 11-year-olds.

Oreo Barbie

CRACKED.COM OREO BARBIE DIDN'T LAST LONG ON THE SHELVES. Oreo Barbie, born in 1997 from a cross-promotional partnership between Mattel and Nabisco, came in both white and black versions. You can tell every person involved was white because nobody knew that MA Oreo is a derogatory OREO term in the African American community for a black person who is ORE white on the inside.

Plagues of Egypt

HUB nerfu DON'T DENY IT. 20 Fahr zun CRACKED COM elen YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY WITH THE PLAGUES OF EGYPT. on PLAGUES und Berfin Todes fb befohl áuger ment, de borgen anben If anything is ripe to be captured in soft, cuddly animal form, it's surely the Lord's mighty wrath being visited upon Pharaoh and his people. Now your child can enjoy locusts, boils, dead firstborns, and other such fun!

Preemie Cabbage Patch Kids

CRACKED COM WHAT'S CUDDLIER THAN A BABY? A PREMATURE BABY! In a misguided attempt at... well, something, Coleco released preemie Cabbage Patch Kids in the 1980s. The preemies were smaller and had less hair that the regular dolls. Not included were the incubator and tubes required to keep real prematures babies alive, as that could have made them less adorable.

The Disney Princess Plastic Racing Trike

GRACKED.COM THIS TRICYCLE WAS THE MOST OBVIOUS RECALL EVER. The Disney Princess Plastic Racing Trike brings a fantasy kingdom close to your children. So close, in fact, they risk getting it impaled in their little skulls. One sudden stop is all it takes. To no one's surprise, this murdercycle was recalled in 2011.

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