15 Quacks Who Claimed They Could Travel Through Time
What would you do if you could travel through time? Anything you did would have enormous repercussions — if you went back and killed Hitler before he came into power, for instance, you’d be imprisoned in late-19th century Germany for being a murderer. That would suck! Plus, more universe-destroyingly, by changing the events of the 20th century you would prevent your own birth — even if there not being a Second World War didn’t stop your parents from meeting, the same sperm wouldn’t fertilize the same egg, so you wouldn’t be you, so you wouldn’t have been able to travel back in time at all, so you wouldn’t have killed Hitler, so your parents would have met as they did before, and they would have had you, so actually yes, you could have killed Hitler, and WHAT THE GIANT FUCK.
Much safer to take a 20-minute trip to tomorrow and go down on yourself — the universe doesn’t fold in on itself due to a massive paradox and you have something to look forward to.
However, people are always showing up claiming they’ve traveled through time, or looking at old stuff and insisting it shows people from the modern day. It’s all — and apologies for the excessively technical language here, this is a complex area of physics — a big load of shit though.
The Soldier from the Future Who Was Neither of Those Things
“John Titor” made endless forum posts in 2000 and 2001, claiming to be a U.S. soldier from 2036, sent back to retrieve computer parts. Were his tales of the future true? Or was he a bored lawyer farting about online?
Tourists Showing Off
In 1911, Americans Charlotte Anne Moberly and Eleanor Jourdai claimed that, visiting Versailles in France, they had traveled back in time and met Marie Antoinette. Were they hallucinating? Did they accidentally gatecrash a party? Or were they just full o’shit?
Cheap Penis Pills and Time Travel
From 2001 to 2003, millions of people received spam emails from purported time traveler “Bob White,” looking for a Dimensional Warp Generator to get home. It was all the work of professional spammer Robert “Robby” Todino, a deeply unusual fella.
Ukraine from the Future
In 2006, a man named Sergei Ponomarenko appeared in Kyiv claiming he’d traveled from the 1950s. He had documents and a vintage camera that seemed to back up his story, plus an old lady. Inevitably, it was a giant hoax.
2671? More Like Twenty-Six, Seventy-DUMB!
A purported time traveler from the year 2671 named Eno Alaric made several claims on TikTok about 2023. Hey, remember that megatsunami that hit San Francisco in May? No, again, the guy’s full of shit.
Lies, Lies, Bullshit, Lies
TikTok is full of bullshitters bullshitting bullshit. One claims to be from 2198 and insists that in 2024 a huge volcano will erupt in Europe “creating land,” and in 2026 aliens will make themselves known. No, it won’t, and no, they won’t.
Water Load of Shit
In 2021, a man known only as Edward claimed — on, funnily enough, a YouTube channel specializing in time-travel bullshit — he’d visited L.A. in the year 5000 and found it submerged. He had a picture of some water, which proved everything.
G’day Mate, Toss Another Shrimp Through the Space-Time Vortex
In 2018, “Noah” popped up on Australian TV and radio to share his experiences of life in 2030. He was confident Facebook Watch was going to take off, we’d imminently know aliens and Martin Luther King’s granddaughter will be president.
A Spanish TikToker named Javier claims to have traveled to 2027 and found a world devoid of humans. Is he actually just filming in places without many people in? Si, eso es verdad.
One Universe, One Jar
Another goddamned TikToker claims to be from the year 2906 and possess inarguable proof that the universe is kept in a jar by its creator. He claimed humanity would create its own jarred universe in March 2023. Didn’t happen, fuck off.
Fw: Fw: FW: Re: You H@ve to Read This
A 2003 Weekly World News story about a time traveler from 2256 getting busted for insider trading after turning $800 to $350 million was, unbelievably, absolute garbage. In the early days of the internet, though, people lapped that crap up.
Forgetting Books Aren’t Real
In the 1970s, anti-Semitic Swiss nutjob Billy Meier claimed to have been taken back in time by aliens and photographed dinosaurs. He had, in fact, photographed a book about dinosaurs. Easy mistake to make.
The Monk and the Monkeyshine
In the 1950s, Italian Benedictine monk Pellegrino Ernetti claimed his device, the Chronovisor, let him see through time and witness Jesus’s crucifixion and speeches by Napoleon. Eventually he produced a photo of Jesus: a postcard from a neighboring town. Idiot.
Time Machine or Microsoft Excel Function?
In 2013, an Iranian scientist named Ali Razeghi claimed he’d created a machine that could retrieve information from the future about any individual. He had in fact either invented (a) nothing or (b) a sort of spreadsheet. Either way, baloney.
The Cuckoo Candidate
Washington lawyer Andrew Basiago ran for president in 2016. He claims to have spent his childhood being sent back in time repeatedly by the government to figure out Lincoln’s assassination. He’s also been assured he’ll get elected, any day now.