29 Fake Celebrity Auctions We Wish Were Real

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29 Fake Celebrity Auctions We Wish Were Real

Stumped on today’s New York Times crossword? Natasha Lyonne is willing to help you out. Need your dog walked? Hand the leash over to Adam Scott. Require a mural for your home? Lena Dunham will paint it. 

These scenarios sound like something out of Mad Libs, but they’re just a few of the very real auction items up for bid right now. That’s because a plethora of Hollywood movers and shakers have taken to eBay with the Union Solidarity Coalition, where they’re auctioning off a wide range of experiences in an effort to raise money for out-of-work crew members. The group is joining forces with the Motion Picture and Television Fund to see to it that unionized crew members have their health-care costs covered during the writers’ and actors’ strikes.

But if you happen to be scrolling Twitter and see some celebrity auctions that sound too good to be true, that’s likely because they are. People have hilariously spun the concept around and hatched up some insane fantasy auctions that poke fun at the good-natured but ultimately absurd fundraising method. So if you think Julianna Margulies and Archie Panjabi are really going to break down their Good Wife beef for the right price, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. 

That said, here are 29 fantasy auctions that we wish-to-god were real…

mich tms era @pikemargulies 17h ok, now I'M sending in a bet on this one for charity Kate Winslet will tell you the four gay actors she knows who haven't publicly come out $9,128,083.00 12,301 bids $9.65 shipping 8d 21h Benefits charity 8 974 13.4K 327K

anna @myelessar 1h can't believe this one doesn't have more bids! you get to watch the two towers with viggo mortensen and tell him that aragorn ACTUALLY broke his toes in that scene (he will act shocked) $87 2 bids

SPIDER-MAN'S LANDLORD @selfdfens 11h Congrats to whoever outbid me. Discuss race science and cranium shape with the 'McLovin' actor. $2,624.00 43 bids $9.65 shipping 8d 22h Benefits charity 1 10 126 4,971

Dave Itzkoff @ditzkoff 19h please no one outbid me on this Chester J. Lampwick Will Paint Your Chicken Coop 1 plate of corn muffins 16 bids $9.65 shipping 8d 23h Benefits charity 56 392 4,097 183K

Jacob Boushh @JacobBoushh 48m ... oddly specific, but i'm interested Harrison Ford 1-Hour Grumbles at Karl Urban Reenacts your Beilert you on a Zoom call Valance Fanfic $1,138.00 10 bids $1,977.00 9 bids $065 chinning od h

hannah strong @thethirdhan . 21h damn might have to bid on this one Cocktails and 9/11 Conspiracy Theories with Marion Cotillard $560.00 5 bids Benefits charity 9d 1h 10 655 9,611 367K

starter wife @soanneoying.2 28m ... Nick Kroll is honest with you about what his dad does $2,624.00 43 bids $9.65 shipping 8d 22h

José María Luna @JoseMLuna 38m Bidding right now Jenna Maroney will key your car $500.00 1 bid Benefits charity 9d 3h

Sopranos World @SopranosWorld.47m ... Take my money Get high with Christopher Moltisanti $10,000.00 1823 bids Benefits charity 8d 4h

myesha thee stallion @myeshachou.57m ... CHA KOR lea michele tries to read to you matchfireauctions9d (57) Matchfire 100% positive feedback $2,151.00 + $9.65 Shipping 22 bids Ends in 8d 20h

purpledahlia @purpledahliaa.23m Take my money Brian Cox tells you to fuck off $2,025.00 12 bids

dylan @dylangonzalez21 26m It just gets better and better Danny Devito will go around town and yell whore with you for one hour $1,175.00 27 bids

Lauren Pokedoff @LaurenPokedoff-10m ... Oh, hell yes! Christine Baranski will watch both Mamma Mia! movies with you. $25,000,000 48 bids 5d 7hr Benefits charity

st. pastiche (canonized) @itspastiche 16m ... RuPaul tells you what happened to that guy in the Hudson River $500.00 1 bid Benefits charity 9d 3h

lissy @babeygirlmac 18h would go into credit card debt if they had this one WO MAN /4 ALWAYS FXP MAN SEEK SUNN' FXX SEEKING WO PHiLAD 1 WOMAN Mc M ALWAY AN Alaco NY IS NG SEC 1/4 SUNN PHOLE LADELPURA P MA SEEKIN WOM N EL WO SUNNY PHILADEL ALWAYS SUNNY PHILADELPHI P 1/ as FX Get drunk with the cast of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia as they belittle and insult you while they stay in full character $10,000 Benefits charity

michael @FilledwithPiss - 5m get high with the teletubbie dog $10,000.00 1823 bids Benefits charity 8d 4h

Drew Landry @MrDrewLandry.6m holy shit yes Dinner with the Skinamarink demon $4,000.00 57 bids $25.90 shipping 8d 23h Benefits charity

jay @kendallhosseini - 1 18h ... can we crowdfund this THE MASS G eken® RT Jeremy Strong explains how he got a scholarship to Yale and proceeded to nearly bankrupt their century old theater program by tricking them into funding him meeting and having a dinner with Al Pacino $1,000,000,000 9 bids Benefits charity 9d 1h 7 179 2,745 59.6K

laura @ecto_fun - 18h ... no way 1 of l 28 David Cronenberg will Tell you about his Favorite Surgeries matchfireauctions9d (57) Matchfire 100% positive feedback $720.00 + $9.65 Shipping 9 bids Ends in 9d 6h 43 1,222 10.4K 410K

no context sitcoms @oocsitcoms. 13h ... I'm a simple girl... I'd open my pockets for this easily C Brasile Watch Spider-man with Jake Johnson $500.00 1 bid Benefits charity 9d 3h 70 34.8K 2,886 1.5M

niles (VANCOUVER 9/11) @NILES100. 1h ... ok we need the money but this is getting out of hand Mel Gibson will call you racial slurs! matchfireauctions9d (57) Matchfir 100% positive feedback $50,000.00 + $9.65 Shipping 7 16 123 4,828

John Frankensteiner @JFrankensteiner 18h ... Someone make this happen Smoke a bowl and play Sonic the Hedgehog with John Carpenter $2,624.00 43 bids $9.65 shipping 8d 22h Benefits charity 65 1,796 15K 488K

matt @computer_gay. 21h ... oh that's- Cadilla ÉA RIS Jameela Jamil Will Tell You About Her Childhood $1.00 0 bids 9d 1h 55m 40 17.6K 584K 793

Mike @michaelcollado.17h ... Oh, my god!?!?!! Julianna Margulies and Archie Panjabi will tell you what happened between them $9,128,083.00 12,301 bids $9.65 shipping 8d 21h Benefits charity 85 1,850 12.4K 862K

julia @eathedocument . 3h omg wait... Naked oil wrestling with Bob Dylan $1,225.00 20 bids Benefits charity 9d 4h

Men For Fielder @MenForFieIder - 16h ... need N Sit in absolute silence with Nathan Fielder for an entire hour $2,624.00 43 bids $9.65 shipping 8d 22h Benefits charity 81 32.3K 2,658 1.2M

ere @cilleon 7h ... oh my fucking god Staring contest with Cillian Murphy $1,225.00 20 bids Benefits charity 9d 4h

the thicc husband & father @lukeisamazing 17h no one outbid me for this Olive Garden ITALIAN KITCHEN Eat lunch at Olive Garden and talk MLB playoffs with Dexter Jettster $560.00 5 bids Benefits charity 9d 1h 3 32 316 9,215

Busy Philipps @BusyPhilipps - 3 3h ok would buy lucy ford @lucyj_ford . 6h wow no way CHRIS PINE WILL TELL YOU WHAT THE DRAMA ON DON'T WORRY DARLING WAS matchfireauctions9d (57) Matchfire 100% positive feedback $640.00 + $9.65 Shipping 24 2 661 46.1K
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