15 World Records That Are Nothing to Be Proud Of

Who holds the title for the most municipal waste per capita? You know who it is. At 1,675 pounds of rancid, disgusting, putrid shit per person… USA! USA! USA! Rock, flag and eagle!

Warren Steed Jeffs sucks. The one-time Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints president is in prison for life for multiple sex offenses. He’s also in the Guinness Book for polygamy, with 50 to 80 wives when arrested. 

By 1988, Australian Tommy Johns had been arrested almost 3,000 times for being drunk and disorderly. That’s like getting arrested every day for over eight years. Eight years and not one g’day.

Elon Musk is a Guinness World Record holder: In the year from November 2021 he lost an estimated $165,000,000,000, making the record for “largest loss of personal fortune” very much his. All it took was, what, like eight shitty decisions?

Russian oligarch Mikhail Prokhorov has a huge amount of stuff, including one thing nobody wants: the world record for the biggest lost deposit. He put 10 percent down on a $390 million purchase, pulled out and lost it. What a DUMBASS. 

Soviet cosmonaut Gherman Titov went to space in August 1961, just four months after Yuri Gagarin. But while Gagarin is immortalized as the first person in space, Titiv holds the record for the first person to vomit in space. Extraterrestrial chunk-blowing. Hero. 

Madeline Albrecht — not the former Secretary of State — spent 15 years working at a testing lab for Dr. Scholl, earning the record for the number of armpits and feet sniffed: 5,600 feet and “an indeterminate amount” of armpits.

In 2000, Austinite Rob Williams made a bologna, cheese and lettuce sandwich, including olives on cocktail sticks, using his feet. It took one minute, 57 seconds. He has hands. No need. Don’t put your feet on cheese, you fucking monster.

In 2009, a team of Japanese medical engineers entered the annals of history by making the first ever sweating robot. It was meant to display the symptoms of swine flu — sweating, moaning and convulsing — and almost certainly led to some unthinkably disgusting innovations. 

A 39-pound tool bag dropped by American astronaut Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper during a spacewalk currently holds the record for the largest thing accidentally let go of in space. Stefanyshyn-Piper called the experience “disheartening.”

In 2021, Australian Neville Sharp broke a long-standing record for the loudest burp. He achieved a burp of 112.4 decibels, something he claimed to have been preparing for for 45 years, having been repulsive since the age of six.

The longest burp, however, was belched by Italian Michele Forgione and lasted a completely vile one minute, 13 seconds and 57 milliseconds, more than enough time for everyone involved to have a good think about what they were fucking doing. 

An unnamed 18-year-old woman treated at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago in November 2007 set a world record for the heaviest object removed from a human stomach. It was a hairball, or trichobezoar, and weighed 10 pounds. 

The largest ever ball of dog hair was amassed in Austin in 2012. It was done for charity, which is obviously nice, but a 201-pound ball of dog hair is still absolutely revolting and they should have just had a raffle.

The world record holder for “longest career as a flatulist” — the most years spent making money by farting — is British entertainer Paul Oldfield, aka Mr Methane. Actually, goddamn it, that’s amazing and he should be permanently stoked.