My Very Gonzo Life

A conversation with Dave Goelz, the man who for nearly 50 years has served as the voice and puppeteer of Gonzo — the pain-loving, dare-deviling, chicken-dating, Charles Dickens-impersonating, furry blue star of the Muppets

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15 Interspecies Romances from Pop Culture Where It’s Best Not to Think About How Things Work in the Bedroom

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15 Interspecies Romances from Pop Culture Where It’s Best Not to Think About How Things Work in the Bedroom

In real life, if you had a friend who announced they were in a relationship with something that wasn’t human, you’d be pretty unimpressed. Our closest relatives in the human world are still pretty different — someone having sex with a chimpanzee is unacceptable however you look at it. Chimpanzees share 98.8 percent of their DNA with humans, but that 1.2 percent, it turns out, makes a big difference.

A lot of sci-fi, though, features humans and non-humans in sexual relationships. There are plenty of cases where it doesn’t seem to matter — Star Wars and Star Trek are filled with species from other planets that are almost indistinguishable from humans apart from silly haircuts or very light prosthetics. Vulcans and Klingons are at least inferred to have genitals and reproductive systems similar enough to humans’ that they can pair up and even breed. We might find out one day that, say, Klingons’ balls are on top, but otherwise all seems fine.

But sometimes you watch something, and a little while later, you find yourself thinking, “Hang on, how do they bang?” Or: “What would that actually be like, if those two hooked up?”

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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Might Have Different Plans to April O'Neil

CRACKED The TMNT's attraction to April is never consummated. Good - in the wild, multiple male turtles often mate with the same female, using their front flippers to grip. She might not be up for that.

Eziyoda

‘Planet of the Apes’ (2001) Wouldn’t Be a Tender Romance

CRACKED There's an odd romantic tension between Mark Wahlberg's human and Helena Bonham Carter's chimpanzee in Tim Burton's reboot. However, if it went anywhere, things would get very odd - chimps usually mate in violent, multi-partner fuck-fights.

The Film Magazine

‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit’ Shows the Bestiality-Transcending Power of Humor

CRACKED Jessica Rabbit explains the hotness imbalance between her and Roger with, He makes me laugh. He's still a rabbit though. Like, imagine how funny a rabbit would have to be to make you think, Yeah, I'll fuck this.

Cartoon Research

King Kong Hasn’t Thought It Through, Scale-Wise

CRACKED Gorillas have tiny penises, but the size discrepancy in King Kong (1933) still means if Kong were to do what it's implied he wants to with Ann Darrow (Fay Wray), it'd be like a human man fucking a G.I. Joe.

Game Rant

Tank Girl’s Human-Kangaroo Sex Almost Certainly Involved Pee

CRACKED When kangaroos mate, there's a lot of ass-sniffing and pee-smelling involved. That said, Tank Girl (Lori Petty) does admittedly seem extremely open-minded given her relationship with humanoid kangaroo Booga, so it's probably not an issue.

NBC

Cameron Diaz Has Sex with an Underage Car in The Counselor

CRACKED The Counselor is notable for featuring, among other things, a sex scene between Cameron Diaz and a Ferrari. A 2013 Ferrari California HS, to be precise. A brand-new, very young car. Too young, some would say.

USA Today

‘The Shape of Water’s Sexy Swimmer Probably Has Disgusting Junk

CRACKED While the interspecies romance in The Shape of Water is presented rather beautifully, it's worth considering that the fish man mainly eats boiled eggs and, as an amphibian, has a cloaca - an all-purpose piss/shit/fuck hole. Sounds smelly!

The Bogota Post

The Muppets’ Sex Life Would Be Very Sloppy

CRACKED Kermit the Frog would also have a cloaca, of course, while as a sow, Miss Piggy would generally require being peed on and slobbered on with thick, pheromone-rich saliva to get in the mood.

Shutterstock

Kung Fu Panda’s Pal Has Been Up to No Good

CRACKED In the TV series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness, Mantis mentions having dated a caterpillar. Given that a caterpillar is the larval form of a butterfly, there's zero chance - even in a world of anthropomorphized animals - it was legal.

Fandom

The Kiss in ‘The Princess and the Frog’ Was Surely Disgusting

CRACKED If you were a man trapped in frog form making out with a full-size woman, you'd absolutely go for it tonguewise to overcompensate. That would probably feel, for the princess, more like being stabbed in the mouth.

Disney

Zeus, in Swan Form, Must Have Had to Work Hard

CRACKED The Greek god Zeus famously disguised himself as a swan to seduce princess Leda. Why not disguise himself as a human capable of many of the things other humans find attractive? Swans are pretty, sure, but you wouldn't bang one.

Shutterstock

How Would Jacob Black’s Canine-ness Manifest?

CRACKED At the end of the Twilight films, Jacob is betrothed to a baby. It's weird. But when she grows up and they sleep together, will he see missionary sex as slightly exotic, and doggy-style as the humdrum default?

Startefacts

‘Titane’s Car-Baby Makes No Sense

CRACKED In Titane, a tryst between a woman and a car leads to the woman giving birth to a baby with a titanium spine. Bullshit. Everyone knows a baby car is a skateboard.

Fangoria 

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My Very Gonzo Life

A conversation with Dave Goelz, the man who for nearly 50 years has served as the voice and puppeteer of Gonzo — the pain-loving, dare-deviling, chicken-dating, Charles Dickens-impersonating, furry blue star of the Muppets

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