The 12 Objectively Worst Sex Toys of All Time
![The 12 Objectively Worst Sex Toys of All Time](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/8/9/4/900894_320x180.jpg)
Ah, the world of sex toys! From the earliest days of mankind, we have sought out new and creative ways to pleasure ourselves. From the crudely crafted phalluses of ancient civilizations to the sophisticated vibrators and dildos of today, we have come a long way in our journey to explore and enhance our sexual experiences. Prepare to be amazed, shocked, and perhaps a little bit disturbed as you journey through the depths of the human imagination and explore the wild and wonderful world of sex toys. From radiation-free cock rings to Catholic-themed pleasure products, this list has something for everyone.
In this list, we will explore the wild and wonderful world of sex toys, from the downright bizarre to the surprisingly practical. So grab your geiger counter and your rubber gloves, and let's dive in. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride as we explore these twelve utterly bizarre sex toys. Who knows? You may even find something that strikes your fancy.
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Radiation-free cock rings, apparently.
![CRACKED RADIOACTIVE COCK RINGS There are cock rings made with a tiny amount of purified thorium that claim to help you stay hard, and they can be detected with a geiger counter, but the amount of radiation they give off is so small that it won't affect anyone wearing them.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/0/7/900907.jpg)
Manly vigor, indeed.
![CRACKED RADIOACTIVE SUPPOSITORIES These supposedly contained real radium and were said to be a sexual performance enhancer. The product's literature claimed that if you were not feeling your normal manly vigor, then these could help you make a comeback.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/0/5/900905.jpg)
Sexy, Safe, and Limited.
![CRACKED SCULPTURES AS DILDOS A British comic and entrepreneur has made four sex toys, like the Buckingham Phallus, Vagenie, Rampant Rabbi, and Cunt Dracula. Each one is basically a sculpture of a person (like, say, Dracula) in the shape of a dildo.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/0/4/900904.jpg)
Maria Ozawa's special love potion included.
![CRACKED MARIA OZAWA ONAHOLE This fleshlight-type toy is designed to feel just like porn star Maria Ozawa's clitoris and vagina. It even comes with a special Maria Ozawa Love Potion, apparently.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/0/6/900906.jpg)
DIY pleasure, minus the dildo.
![CRACKED HEELDO This foot harness for a dildo fits most foot sizes, can be used for vaginal or anal masturbation, and even self-pegging. Just note that the dildo isn't included. HEELDO HEELDO WOMEN 48 Strap-On Harness for yourfoot Dides and Butt Plugs](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/0/2/900902.jpg)
Prisoners: Suzy and Fifi, the new must-haves.
![CRACKED DIY PRISON FLESHLIGHTS Rubber gloves are a popular item among prisoners when it comes to sex play, often called Suzy or Fifi. If you want to make your own, you'll need latex gloves, Vaseline, hot water, and something to wrap around the gloves to make them snug.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/0/0/900900.jpg)
Robots: the new tongue?
![CRACKED ROBOT CUNNILINGUS MACHINE Ose is a sexual wellness product designed to help women achieve a blended orgasm. It uses tiny robots to simulate the feeling of a human finger, tongue, and mouth.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/8/9/9/900899.jpg)
Catholic-themed pleasure products?
![CRACKED CATHOLIC-THEMED SEX TOYS Divine Interventions is a company that makes religious-themed sex toys, like the Jackhammer Jesus and the Baby Jesus butt plug. They specialize in Catholic-themed products.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/8/9/7/900897.jpg)
Emoji-fy your pleasure.
![CRACKED EMOJI-SHAPED VIBRATORS The Emojibator Eggplant Vibrator is part of a collection of vibrators inspired by emojis, like a pepper, banana, strawberry, cherry, and pickle.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/8/9/6/900896.jpg)
Tentacle-y pleasure.
![CRACKED TENTACLE-SHAPED DILDO The Lovehoney Tentacle Textured Sensual Glass Dildo looks like a tentacle, making it a really unique and out-there way to pleasure yourself. It's got all sorts of bumps and curves that make it great for stimulating your clitoris and G-spot, apparently.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/0/3/900903.jpg)
"Smart" vibrator, not so smart.
![CRACKED A VIBRATOR THAT SPIES ON YOU In 2017, a Canadian company that makes sex toys had to give out $4 million to customers after it was discovered that their smart vibrator was secretly tracking people's sexual activity without their permission. couples pleasure for THC couples pleasure for DAO couples pleasure for two 4 WE-VIBE WE VIBE PLUS WE-VIBE PLUS 4 ATE z 0 Classic ul. flexible ersatile ith an app LAW Class](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/9/0/1/900901.jpg)
Fancy canine pleasure, indeed.
![CRACKED SEX DOLLS FOR DOGS These dolls for dogs, made by a French design agency, cost around $200. Helpfully, there's a small tank at the back of the doll for liquids.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/8/9/8/900898.jpg)