The 12 Objectively Worst Sex Toys of All Time

The 12 Objectively Worst Sex Toys of All Time

Ah, the world of sex toys! From the earliest days of mankind, we have sought out new and creative ways to pleasure ourselves. From the crudely crafted phalluses of ancient civilizations to the sophisticated vibrators and dildos of today, we have come a long way in our journey to explore and enhance our sexual experiences. Prepare to be amazed, shocked, and perhaps a little bit disturbed as you journey through the depths of the human imagination and explore the wild and wonderful world of sex toys. From radiation-free cock rings to Catholic-themed pleasure products, this list has something for everyone. 

In this list, we will explore the wild and wonderful world of sex toys, from the downright bizarre to the surprisingly practical. So grab your geiger counter and your rubber gloves, and let's dive in. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride as we explore these twelve utterly bizarre sex toys. Who knows? You may even find something that strikes your fancy.

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Prisoners: Suzy and Fifi, the new must-haves.

CRACKED DIY PRISON FLESHLIGHTS Rubber gloves are a popular item among prisoners when it comes to sex play, often called Suzy or Fifi. If you want to make your own, you'll need latex gloves, Vaseline, hot water, and something to wrap around the gloves to make them snug.

Vice / Reddit 

Robots: the new tongue?

CRACKED ROBOT CUNNILINGUS MACHINE Ose is a sexual wellness product designed to help women achieve a blended orgasm. It uses tiny robots to simulate the feeling of a human finger, tongue, and mouth.

IB Times 

Emoji-fy your pleasure.

CRACKED EMOJI-SHAPED VIBRATORS The Emojibator Eggplant Vibrator is part of a collection of vibrators inspired by emojis, like a pepper, banana, strawberry, cherry, and pickle.


Tentacle-y pleasure.

CRACKED TENTACLE-SHAPED DILDO The Lovehoney Tentacle Textured Sensual Glass Dildo looks like a tentacle, making it a really unique and out-there way to pleasure yourself. It's got all sorts of bumps and curves that make it great for stimulating your clitoris and G-spot, apparently.


Fancy canine pleasure, indeed.

CRACKED SEX DOLLS FOR DOGS These dolls for dogs, made by a French design agency, cost around $200. Helpfully, there's a small tank at the back of the doll for liquids.


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