The new X-Files movie is coming and, I have to admit, I'm pretty excited. I was a big fan of the show. It was scary and funny and ---way before Heroes--- it had a convoluted and suspenseful plot that was worth following. (Until that last season where I don't remember what the hell happened. Seriously, I followed the show for years and I have absolutely no recollection how it ended. All I can recall is a very old and cancer-ridden cigarette smoking man blowing up. By a laser? That happened right? He blew up?)
But I digress. There was something else I loved about the X-Files: Gillian Anderson. She's a talented actress and since the show ended she has achieved some critical success in respected films like The House of Mirth and The Last King of Scotland. But my favorite thing about Gillian Anderson was her continual and unwavering efforts to be taken less seriously as an actress and more seriously as a wildly objectified sex kitten.
Photo shoot after photo shoot she screamed, "yes, I can convincingly portray a no-nonsense Federal agent, but I can also give you a venereal disease! Lust for me!" Yet, it never seemed to happen. Why? I have no idea. It certainly wasn't for her lack of trying. Remember these? They were taken from a photo shoot I like to call "I fuckin' hate you so much David Duchovny."
Seriously, people. How come you never turned your prurient interests to Gillian? While you spent the 90's fawning over your Courtney Coxs and Jennifer Anistons, good ol' Scully was just waiting for your objectification with a box of kleenex and a can of lube. There is just something wrong with a country that picks Pamela Anderson over Gillian Anderson. I mean, what did she have to do? Pose tied up and gagged on a bed with a "spank me" sign?
No. Not even that was good enough. You people make me sick. Do you realize Gillian may have forever thrown away her chances to be on Inside The Actors Studio with James Lipton? And what for? Just to be a mere sex object used for your pleasure. And how did you repay her efforts? By making fun of her first season haircut. How dare you. Well, I hope you're happy because you've really blown it. You screwed it all up. Time passes. And yesterday's sex object becomes today's failed presidential candidate in drag. The passing years have been a little tough on Gillian. She went blonde for awhile and stopped eating. That was rough, but, hey, we all get old. And now that the X-Files movie is coming out, it's simply unfair of you to you to expect her to be all shapely, sultry, and filled with enough Daddy issues to strip down to a nightie for Maxim magazine.
Or maybe not. All hail, Gillian. She's better than ever and coming to a theater near you. And this time, you better treat her with the respect she's earned and go full Pee Wee Herman during the movie. Anything less, frankly, would be rude.