If Tiger Woods' Apology Was Honest
Good afternoon, members of the Press, Friends, Family, President of the Nike Corporation, CEO of Buick, Mom and fans across the world. I come before you today to answer for my actions, and I plan on doing that. I want to first thank you all for coming and supporting me during this, for the sake of argument, "difficult" time. All of your letters of encouragement have been very comforting, I guess.
I know all the parts that we're supposed to play. You're all doing an excellent job of being absolutely mortified that I'm human, and I'm supposed to come out and talk about how confused and profoundly damaged I must be. But instead of all that, I'd like to, for once, talk about an adult situation like an adult to a bunch of other adults. Hopefully, by the end of my speech, you'll understand why I did what I did, and we'll all be able to move passed this.
I can't stress how easy these women make incognito fucking. I'll find them waiting in my hotel room, already in my bed and swearing they'll never tell anyone about this and they'll be gone in the morning. A naked chick, in my bed, saying, "No one will find out, I just want to have sex with you one time and then I'll be on my way." You can't even imagine a scenario where that happens for you, and it happens to me multiple times a day. Women break into my limo while it's moving and try to have sex with me. Have you ever tried to push a half-naked 19-year-old out of the sun roof of a moving limousine? Of course you haven't. One time on the course I reached into the hole to retrieve my ball and there was a titty in there. I still don't know how she got in there, she must've been waiting underground for days. I mean, how did she even
But I'm straying. My point is, I'm in a culture that screams my name and elevates me to God-like status because I'm dynamite at golfing, and I'm surrounded by gorgeous women who make it so easy to have sex with them I'd be stupid not to. It's easy for you to turn down hypothetical sex with a cute woman you see on the subway who might be flirting with you. Sometimes I wake up and women are already fucking me somehow. 10,000 miles from home, could you turn that down? You don't know how to answer because it isn't part of your reality. Of course you wouldn't have made the same moves I made: We're playing two different games. I've Earned This For two reasons. To begin with, you made me this way, America. You wanted a superstar, somebody to put on a pedestal. You don't even want a really good golfer, you want an inhumanly good golfer, the best in history. I wanted to make a living doing something I liked, but you wanted me to be the greatest. So fine, I'll do that. I've broken every golf record, I'm athlete of the year, athlete of the
Do you know how many sorority sisters were chasing after dudes who read Golf Digest and idolized Jack Nicklaus? Fucking zero. "Oooh, Eldrick, your putting makes me so hot. Can you show me your Junior World Golf Championship medals again?" Bullshit. A mixed race, giant-toothed kid in Orange County, the whitest place on the planet, who had weird hobbies? Don't tell me I didn't earn as much porking as I can get my hands on. My Marriage Look, I'll be straight with you. My marriage is fine, sure. I don't want to talk a lot of shit on my marriage, but at the end of the day, she's a Swedish model who married a professional athlete worth over a hundred million dollars. Terrific girl. Would we have met and married if I wasn't Tiger Woods? Or if she wasn't a Swedish model? I don't know, but probably not. Do you know why she came to America? On the advice of
Sex is Awesome and I'm Great At It Look, we're all adults here. This doesn't need to turn into a farce. I know for a
And finally, I am Tiger Woods Seriously. Do you even get that? Tiger Fucking Woods.
Daniel O'Brien is a sports/fucking analyst for ESPN.