Some of you may recall that a few months ago, for reasons known only to myself, I wrote multiple posts
on the then-upcoming Olympics in Beijing in which I made reference to assorted political issues in China, and may have repeatedly suggested that all Asians look the same and are crafty. The combination of topical political commentary and hate-speech proved particularly unpopular with Cracked readers, and I sort of backed away from that for awhile, turning my attention towards loftier journalistic pursuits.
Well, those days are over, because fuck you guys, I'm writing about the Olympics.
The biggest event of every Olympics that isn't Men's Floor Gymnastics, is of course the Opening Ceremonies. The Opening Ceremonies are sort of like a longer Super Bowl half time show, only featuring a few more children of the world wearing bright primary colors. Also there's usually no aging rock artist performing a medley of their biggest hits. Every opening ceremony also has a theme, usually something wishy-washy, like "Achieve" or "Bloating." The theme this year was: "China is Awesome, Bitches." First, every single segment of the ceremony featured thousands upon thousands of dancers moving in perfect lockstep. The sheer quantity of performers underlined the fact that no-one's as good at throwing thousands of Chinese people at a problem like the Chinese are. On top of that, several of the dances and segments boasted of great inventions the Chinese are evidently laying claim too, like fireworks, bamboo, and children.
Along with their prodigious own-horn-blowing, the Chinese have also set out to ensure that these Olympics will have the best atmosphere ever, and have