Vagina Dentata, YouTube Commenters and My Stepdaughter Wants a Pony: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

¹ Yes, this is a real movie, and yes, it was screened at the Sundance Film Festival.

Ask A Cracked Blogger

My soon-to-be stepdaughter has been pestering me for a pony ever since her mother and I announced our engagement. While I'd do (almost) anything to make her feel welcome in our new family, I really don't want the responsibility of tending to a large animal. To further complicate matters, we live in Manhattan, which would mean that I'd have to rent a country home which we'd be obligated to frequent. I've never played the "family man" before, and I fear that this equestrian commitment may be jumping the gun a bit. How can I convince her (and my wife) that this is an unwise investment without coming off as uncaring? Pony Opposed Parent Isn't it interesting how kids always decide they want unbelievably high-priced gifts right after you tell them that you're going to marry their mothers? Your soon-to-be stepdaughter is trying to take you for a ride, POP, and I'd encourage you to go along with it and let her do just that. Purchase a riding saddle, bridle, put both of them on and have your soon-to-be wife wrap you up like a present. It will be difficult to hold the position for long, but try to be on all fours for maximum effect. There will be tears shed when she unwraps you, POP, but they will dry up in time, and when they do, she will reluctantly mount you and ride you around the living room, sullen and defeated.

But then she'll make peace with it, POP, and in time she'll even learn to enjoy it. In no time at all she'll be riding you sidesaddle, jumping you over the couch and brushing your long, luxurious mane like you're a prize-winning Shetland. Eventually she'll forget you're NOT a pony, POP, and you'll have fulfilled her wish for the measly price of a saddle and bridle (and when she grows up, you can use these to decorate your "man" room). It works out great in the long-term for both of you, POP: You could probably use the exercise, and the resulting deep-seeded father issues it will instill in your stepdaughter will keep her away from boys well into her adulthood. Got problems? Send your letters here.