This Heroes recap contains several excrutiatingly boring jump rope scenes

22197868.jpgIf you’re a fan of The CW (and statistics prove that you're almost certainly not), then you were likely on pins and needle last night waiting for the Heroes debut of Veronica Mars star Kirsten Bell. And if that's all you were looking for, then you didn’t go to bed disappointed, as indeed Heroes was on TV last night, and a character played by Kirsten Bell did appear on it. Everything else about the show would likely have let you down greatly. And disappointing fans of The CW is no small feat. Despite my eloquent protests last week, this episode continued to spend an inordinate amount of time on the development of a new Hero with uninteresting powers. I consider it a personal slap in the face that the show's creators were unwilling to scrap a multimillion dollar episode and then rewrite and re-film it within a week. Come on guys. Someone learning how to jump rope is not very gripping television. That should have been taught to you on the first day of television school.
Other things we learned: Kirsten Bell’s character was introduced, although I don't recall her character getting named, so we'll just call her "Veronica Mars" to keep things simple. She's looking for Peter, and claims to be working for "a company." As near as I can tell, she pretty much proves that there are at least two unknown groups at work in the Peter subplot. One, the group that tipped off the Irish gangsters that he was in the shipping container. Two, the group that Veronica Mars is working for - she didn't seem to have any clue about the Irish container thieves until she got to the docks. I still have no idea which of them put Peter in the container in the first place, although it seems likely that Peter was in the presence of the delightful Ms. Mars at some time in the past, given his newfound electrical abilities. The new character Monica spent the first half of the episode reciting lines we heard last season. "Something is happening to me," "I was supposed to be somebody," etc… She then spent the second half of the episode explaining her ability aloud, to any audience member who hadn't figured it out yet. This led into the aforementioned learning to jump rope scene, which was right about when my head exploded. WE KNOW YOU'RE CONFUSED AND UNCERTAIN. WE KNOW WHAT YOUR POWERS ARE. WE DON'T CARE. I thought it was kind of odd that the Nightmare Man had to lure Parkman and Nathan into another room to be able to use his powers on them. I can understand why he needed to talk his way out of the handcuffs, but once free why didn't he just use his powers then? Why the subterfuge of luring Parkman into a closet? The Heroes canon already has volumes of evidence that proves Parkman is an idiot, did we really need it confirmed again? Wasn't there something weird about Mohinder insisting on taking Molly in for treatment at the Company? He knows that she used to be held there right? Because of her incredibly useful powers? Hell didn't he help rescue her from the Company? So by taking her back, isn't he demonstrating that by being in possession of Molly, he's the one who fucking took her in the first place? And yet Bob sure 427658_7a99ba912c_s.jpgdidn’t seem to care: "Wow, you seem to have found that massively powerful little girl that got stolen from us a few weeks ago. That's lucky! Of course we'll help her, no questions asked. Hey, wanna have this taser?" Keeping track of who knows who is working for who in this show is making me dizzy, and unexpectedly, a little aroused. Watching Ando reading the notes that Hiro stuffed into the sword is one of the most contrived framing devices I've ever seen. It's sort of like watching an episode of Quantum Leap, only without the delightful company of Scott Bakula.
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