These 5 Items Are The Batmen Of Cybersecurity

This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.

Whether or not you were one of the 143 million people affected by the Equifax breach, you've probably realized by now that even casual use of the internet is about as dangerous as walking down a dark alleyway in a Batman comic. But hope is not entirely lost. You can fortify your defenses against all forms of digital crime with the following security products. And feel free to yell out "Pow!" and "Whammo!" and "WHERE'S THE TRIGGER?" while you use them.

GateKeeper Wireless Bluetooth PC Lock

Working anywhere with a sizable amount of tech-savvy colleagues can leave you constantly vulnerable to cyber-pranks. Having your desktop populated with a mess of delete-proof folders all named "fetish stuff" is funny the first six times, but repeatedly shuffling down to IT gets old fast. Lock your computer wirelessly as soon as you walk away with a GateKeeper PC Lock. Those meddling nerds will never stand a chance. Get a 2-pack of these workstation key fobs here for $59.99. Take an extra 15 percent off with coupon code SAVE15.

Zoolz Cloud Storage

Here's a scenario most anti-hacking devices don't prepare you for: What if your laptop actually gets stolen? Like, physically stolen. Like, a mugger swipes it while you're ordering a second pumpkin spice latte, or your tablet gets carried away by a well-trained flock of crows. Well, there really isn't much you can do to keep your data safe, short of handcuffing yourself to your computer bag and carrying around a can of crow repellent. Oh wait, there totally is something you can do! PUNCH. CROWS.

OK, please don't do that. Just keep your important data encrypted on the cloud. For only $49.99, you can get a lifetime of access to 2 TB of fully encrypted cloud storage. Take an extra 20 percent off with coupon code SOFTWARE20.

Sticky Password Premium

Reusing the same password is a great way to allow someone you've never met to vandalize your public profile, sabotage your online relationships, or empty your bank account. But who has time to memorize a variety of long and complicated passwords? Machines do! Sticky Password Premium provides strong encrypted passwords for all of your accounts, controlled by a master password known by you and only you. (Just please don't make that password, "PASSWORD." I tried that, and now some guy in Kansas has maxed out my credit card buying SNES Classics.) A lifetime subscription to this robust password manager is just $29.99 from our store. Take an extra 20 percent off with coupon code SOFTWARE20.

BullGuard Identity Protection Suite

We can all admit that we've stumbled into some seedy parts of the web, be it inadvertently or, for some of us, very, very advertently. Unfortunately, partaking in digital excavations without some form of protection can lead to some nasty network-transmitted infections. And also shame. BullGuard Identity Protection Suite can help with the former by keeping an active watch on all of your devices, including smartphones, and it stays up to date with the latest malware vaccinations to keep your PC always feeling fresh down there. The shame, though? That's for you and you alone. This cross-platform online shield is being offered in the Cracked Shop for 74 percent off the usual price, just $29.99. Take an extra 20 precent off with coupon code SOFTWARE20.

Disconnect VPN

Much like how flossing carries unseen benefits that extend beyond teeth, like helping to prevent heart disease and finally having something to brag to your mom about, a good VPN does a lot more than just block ads. With Disconnect VPN, you'll notice that your battery life lasts longer and that your internet gets faster. Or you might not notice, on account of having access to early premieres on international Netflix. A three-year premium subscription to Disconnect will curtail online tracking in all its forms. And it costs only $29 when you order it here. Take an extra 15 percent off with coupon code VPN15.

Every hacker worth their salt knows you gotta treat your computer like the queen she is. So slip your hardware into something a little more comfortable with this Black Cat Selina Laptop and iPad Skin. If the handheld route is more your speed we still got you covered. Check out this 5th Turtle iPhone and iPod case. You're welcome.

And pick up some epic computer skills with Your Boss Thinks You're Dumb, So Prove Him Wrong With Excel.