8 Simple Rules For Becoming A Successful Online Personality

Here are a few bits of advice for all the job-seekers out there who hope to make a good impression on the internet. An eternal impression. Because the internet never forgets
8 Simple Rules For Becoming A Successful Online Personality

YouTube may seem like the wild, untamed West of entertainment. But amidst the tutorials on how to fix your router set to the tune of "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" is a real industry. Recently, YouTube personality and plays-games-on-camera artist JonTron decided to open up about racism -- in the sense that he said a bunch of racist stuff, which you can read about over here. For the abridged version, JumboTron said things like "wealthy blacks commit more crimes than poor whites" and that America doesn't need immigrants "from incompatible places," which I guess means no Neo Geo games on the PlayStation. Game metaphor!

Surprising no one but JimJam, his rambling anti-immigrant, anti-POC diatribe was upsetting to Playtonic Games, a company that was going to have him do a voiceover in a game. So they dropped him like a hot, intolerant potato.

Yooka-Laylee Ditches JonTron's Voice Acting Over His 'Personal Viewpoints'

There's a secondary issue here that needs to be addressed, and that's the weird, ever-growing habit young professionals have these days of putting the wrong foot forward with employers and potential employers. In the olden days, job-hunting tips included "Wear a power tie" and "Give a firm handshake." Well, times have changed, and job tips have changed with them. So here are a few bits of advice for all the job-seekers out there who hope to make a good impression on the internet. An eternal impression. Because the internet never forgets, and it will remember long after the singularity and humanity is reduced to dust that the robot overlords snort.

Don't Say Racist Stuff

Imagine you're a bunny and you live in a big, fluffy Zootopia. One day, Bunntech Industries invites you to interview for an IT position and you leap at the chance. Then, during the interview, which is going great, they Zoogle you and pull up your Twitter. Your last tweet said "Going to my interview! Wish me luck, except for you lazy fucking fox scumbags who should be scoured from the Earth. Also, fuck the Irish." Uh-oh, now HR is on your cotton-tailed, KKK-loving ass. You fucked up. The things you say online tend to stay online, so maybe don't spread rampant hatred and intolerance and expect no one important to ever see it.

Learn To Apologize

So maybe you pulled a JonBenet or a PewDiePie or even a Paul Manafort. Shit happens. Everybody has a bad day. Sometimes you break the copier, sometimes you're a white supremacist or committing treason. Say you're sorry. Apologizing is one of the most important skills a person can learn, because it costs you literally nothing and can mean literally everything. Is your pride worth public humiliation, scorn, loss of income, and a potential falcon punch to the face from a stranger?

If so, add "Turd Sherpa" to your list of faults, because you're clearly working in asshole territory.

Saying you're sorry for offending others can really ameliorate a lot of damage, and arguably doesn't even mean anything. No one is hooking you up to a polygraph, so you don't even have to mean it. Which is why it's so insane that so few monsters try to do it. I mean, you should mean it, but if we're talking "should," you shouldn't be a racist pig scrotum to begin with.

Don't Rain Terror On Others

I love a good troll as much as the next. Who hasn't taken to social media to zing a stupid celebrity or simpleminded president in their day? That's fine. But also, don't wage a campaign of harassment against someone that involves concerted efforts to disseminate nude photos, home phone numbers, or home addresses for the purpose of rounding up a posse of maniacs to make someone's life a living hell because you don't like their opinions on Mass Effect. By all means, call that person a taint polisher if you like, but don't mail them an bag of your vinegar-soaked pubes out of a misplaced sense of vengeance.

Don't Double Down On Awful

If you find yourself in a pickle, you need to take stock of the situation and try to find the best way to back out of it. Don't burst headfirst into the whole pickle barrel with your little winky in your hand.

Recently, human diarrhea cramp War Machine was in the news because he was found guilty on 29 of 34 counts of insane violence for his attack on former girlfriend Christy Mack. The man menaced her for two hours, broke her orbital bone, knocked teeth out, threatened her with a knife, and sexually assaulted her. The only thing in question was whether what he did qualified as attempted murder, but they were pretty confident on all the assaults. Here's what a couple of douche wranglers on Twitter thought of the situation:

17h DShallowking @ChristyMack he's looking at life in prison because the D.A is a feminist 3 13 3 In reply to Matthew Kline Kader TM 17h @shallowking

The two-hour beating was a crime of passion, the DA is a feminist which is why he's being punished, and look, if this fuckstump's woman cheated on him, he'd beat her for two hours too! Good job, boys.

You're going to want to not go all in on bombastic dumbfuckery like this. If some completely epic bullshit went down, don't lend your support to it by upping the ante to a new echelon of asinine behavior.

Don't Defend Nazis And/Or Be One

Do you think Hitler was a hell of a public speaker? Do you feel like Richard Spencer doesn't deserve to be punched? Do you want to engage in a eugenics program to rid the Earth of inferior races? Don't. Don't do any of those things. Don't do them, say them, think them, or believe them. History has taken a pretty decent look at the Nazi phenomenon, and those of us on the right side of everything normal have concurred that Nazis are fucksticks. Don't look for a silver lining. Don't read that Hitler liked dogs and think "Huh, well that's good." It's not fucking good. That's good like an unchewed peanut in a turd is good. It's not good!

8 Simple Rules For Becoming A Successful Online Personality
Bundesarchiv, B 145 Bild-F051673-0059 / CC-BY-SA

Pictured: two bitches.

Don't Support Murder

It's never a good idea to take a "Yay murder!" standpoint. Don't give George Zimmerman a thumbs up. Don't try to explain what a guy who was shot in the back may have been doing with his back turned that was worthy of a shooting. And, just to reiterate, don't celebrate someone who legally changes their name to War Machine trying to murder his ex. Or even someone with a human name, for that matter.

Avoid Douchey Jokes

One of the great pastimes of Twitter is harassing celebrities. I don't know why, exactly, but it is. But here's the thing: You have to know what you're doing if you want to do this. Free speech isn't always free, as John Cheese explained in his article about how Twitter can destroy your career.

That jackhole made a joke about Patton Oswalt's wife and reaped the whirlwind of what happens when everyone hears your tasteless sense of humor. James Woods sued a Twitter user for accusing him of using cocaine and kept the lawsuit going even after the guy he was suing died. That's how serious online joke abuse can fuck you -- even when you die, someone can keep sticking it in. You'll be fucked in the afterlife. How could that be worth it?

Practice That Handshake

Just because this tip is old-school doesn't make it wrong. You want a firm, confident handshake. Don't look stupid.

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