The iPhone Service Provider Debate Is Getting Weird

Verizon and AT&T shortly after Johnny didn't ask one of them to the homecoming dance.
Earlier this week it was announced that, for the first time ever, the iPhone would be supported by a network other than AT&T - specifically Verizon. And as you would expect from two Fortune 500, global mega-corporations, they proceeded to bad-mouth each other like two 16-year-old school girls fighting over the same guy. AT&T spokesman, Mark Siegel, released a company statement declaring "I'm not sure iPhone users are ready for life in the slow lane." A vicious barb deftly countered by Verizon spokesman, Jeffrey Nelson, who scoffed, "It must be backwards day at AT&T." No, really. Backwards day. In any event, having something of a reputation as a moderator, wise in the ways of hatred, I was contacted by both companies to meet with two new spokesmen for a joint interview. Both parties agreed to answer any and all questions, with an eye towards civility and fair play. Here is what followed:

GLADSTONEGood morning, gentlemen. Thank you for joining me today. First, some introductions. Spokesman from Verizon, please identify yourself.

VERIZONGood morning, Gladstone. I'm Anthony Thomas Anteesux. But please just call me A.T.Anteesux.

GLADSTONEVery well, Mr. A.T. Antee.. oh. I see. You're having fun with words. Tell you what ---

AT&THey, Gladstone! Call me Mr. Verizonsux... a lot!

cingular 2-PU SMS 9 Tet Cmleets Crev Cllalne 77 Yoo O Put downs too crappy for your fourth grade kid brother? There's an app for that.

GLADSTONEMr. Verizonsuxalot? Really? Never mind. I'm just calling you both by the corporations you represent. So, first question. Why all the trash talk? Won't the market decide fairly quickly who is the superior provider?

VERIZONI'd like to field that one, Gladstone. You're exactly right. For years now, AT&T has had a stranglehold on iPhone consumers. Now those consumers will be offered a choice. Do they want to go with a company known for quality and customer service or do they want to give their money to a company that powers its 4G network on unicorn's blood?

AT&TThat is an outright lie. I'm fairly certain that if you check our annual statements, you'll see that use of unicorn blood was almost completely eliminated from production by the second quarter of last year. But, see, that's the kind of misinformation consumers have come to expect from Verizon. And honestly, it's not Verizon's fault. It is just very difficult to deliver accurate public statements when 80% of your day is devoted to servicing sailor cock at the various docks and back alleys throughout this great nation of ours.

GLADSTONEWhoa!!! Seriously, AT&T. Aside from being unprofessional, that just smacks of homophobia in a way that's completely unacceptable.

AT&TPlease. I think you misunderstand. It is not the policy or practice of AT&T to be homophobic or discriminate against gays in any way. For clarity, I wasn't insinuating that the Verizon corporation was gay. I'm simply stating they spend a tremendous amount of time fellating men, for purely heterosexual financial gain.

GLADSTONEI respect your gangsta, AT&T, but that's enough. So, Verizon, this question is for you. Does Verizon fear that its service will suffer if it suddenly gains a million new customers in a week?

VERIZONBefore I respond to that Gladstone, may I ask is this interview being videotaped or just transcribed in writing?

GLADSTONEJust a written article, why?

VERIZONOh, because I must apologize, but I just simply couldn't hear your question over the sound of AT&T's obscene ass-ripping. Seriously, I don't know how you can stand it. I can't hear a thing. It sounds like a helicopter crash-landing into that Willy Wonka chocolate river. Specifically, the chocolate river from the Tim Burton version... where it's thicker. Hey, AT&T, does any part of your digestive tract work, or are you just, y'know, passing your last burrito whole in fits and starts?

GLADSTONENow listen up, Verizon. I enjoy a good fart joke as much as the next guy, but - good lord, AT&T, seriously what did you eat?

AT&THow dare you, I --

GLADSTONEYeah, yeah., I'm just messing with you AT&T. So how do you respond to the fact that Verizon typically ranks higher in customer satisfaction than AT&T?

A remake inferior to the original in every way except for the chocolatey- ness of the river.

AT&TWell, it's all relevant, Gladstone. There may be some truth to that rumor that the AT&T network runs slower, but that's only because it's so popular. We're simply accommodating more consumers. Whereas, the Verizon network is a just a handful of pedophiles delighted they can download their illegal German porn in mere seconds.

GLADSTONEVerizon? Rebuttal? Not to the cheap pedophile joke, but the point about your reliability taking a nose dive. And no fart jokes now. We need an answer.

VERIZONOK, you got me. That could happen. Who knows? The important part is that Verizon shows an additional billion dollar in profits before we even get to that point. One thing at a time. Hitler didn't write Mein Kampf overnight. It had to be painstakingly edited by the majority shareholders of AT&T over a series of weeks. Isn't that right, AT&T?

AT&TYour mom's a whore, Verizon.

VERIZONI know. That's why I'm dead inside.

AT&THey, me too! But I thought it was the job. Y'know, spreading misinformation all day...

VERIZONNah, that's just the symptom, not the cause. I'm totally guessing your mom was a whore too who failed to instill even a modicum of self-respect or decency.

AT&TNow, that you mention it...

GLADSTONEOK. Well, then. Seems we've found some common ground. I'll let you gentleman explore that on your own, while I try to kill the memory of you with scotch or paint thinner if necessary.

Read Gladstone's article about "5 Famous Artists Who Didn't Create Their Signature Creation," only in the new book. Or check out more from him at his site. You can also follow him on Twitter and Facebook.
Scroll down for the next article


Forgot Password?