Superman & Captain America ponder bin Laden's death

Osama bin Laden is dead, and that's one thing almost all Americans agree on, except for birthers, who are now deathers, but that's the event horizon for denial. It's a lot harder to prove the absence of something than it is to have more intelligence than a hermit crab with a concussion. The other thing we can all agree to is: hooray, no more Bin Laden! But this brief moment of national unity is already drying out, as the left wing remembers it writes very stern letters protesting semi-invasive assassinations, and the right wing is stumped on how this makes Obama look like an incompetent, secret atheist-Muslim communosocialist. So instead, the focus is on the pot-stirring question, "Celebrating a stone-cold killing: how much enthusiasm is too awesome?" which, since there's no more news to report, means the media get to just sit back and let Americans cautiously reproach one another for cheering too loudly (which ain't classy), or too little (which looks suspicious). The important question to ask is, "How would Jesus celebrate bin Laden's death?" but the answer to that is going to make everyone uncomfortable. Not for deontological reasons; it just involves some revealing outfits. I decided rather to consult two American icons -- Captain America, recently seen cheering Osama's demise at Penn State, and Superman, who just abdicated his U.S. citizenship to buy the world a home and furnish it with love. Superman used to hang slumlords from flag poles and hurl mad scientists to their death, so it's a bit disheartening to see him abandon his career as a bully for justice to become a lousy hippie. Not because Superman shouldn't help everyone everywhere, but because abandoning your role as a symbol of America at its best is a bitch move. Cap, in contrast, was a glass of warm milk who didn't grow a pair until 2002, but went maybe a little too far when he started mocking French POWs. I figured between these two titans of American ideals, I would find the appropriate response to life in a post-Osama world. The truth, you'll be happy (or infuriated) to learn, is a somewhere in the middle. Specifically, the spleen.