The 8 Most Important Farts Ever (According to the Media)
Oscar Wilde once said, "The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands." If Wilde were alive today he probably would have said, "Fuck me, is CNN serious?" where "CNN" could be swapped out for any major news organization. And why? Journalism isn't exactly the hallowed institution it once was, if it ever was that institution at all. And to illustrate that point in the most hilarious way I know how, I've written this entire article to draw your attention to news stories that were focused chiefly on farts. Yes, the Fourth Estate occasionally finds time to address issues relating to southern hemisphere yawns in a way that surely makes Joseph Pulitzer sport a majestic ghost boner, as ghosts of journalists are wont to do.
Picture Detroit, decaying urban sprawl and home of super rats that have achieved a rudimentary form of communication and barter system with other species. It's a rough town and will stay that way until RoboCop gets built, but God knows when they're going to get around to that.
Police receive a call -- a woman in peril. Neighbors have heard cries for help, a victim yelling "No! Stop!" from within her own home. Another tragic case of domestic violence? Not really. Another tragic case of a boyfriend sitting on his girlfriend and farting.
Police arrived on the scene and immediately took stock of the situation. One man, one woman, no signs of a struggle, fetid funk wafting through the air. It was a fart. Detroit style. This is where you put on your shades and breathe deep on purpose.
Reports of the incident indicate the neighbor who called not only heard the yelling, but heard loud noises preceding the yelling which she assumed to be the sounds of a beating. They were the man's farts. He was farting so loudly it could be heard in another apartment. He farted so loudly it made the local news.
Journalistic Merit: 4 Robust William Randolph Hearst farts out of 5
Science of Fart Ease
What is the easiest way to fart? It's a question that hasn't been asked time and time again by anyone ever. But science looked into it, and the media was hot on their trail because it was warm and vaguely oniony.
Turns out there is a better way to fart and it's not laying down as you might think, all luxurious and supine, vaguely rutting against your drool-encrusted pillow, grunting as you drift in and out of consciousness, not quite sure if you're pleasuring the cast of Sex and the City or not. No, the perfect fart can be crop-dusted simply by standing which allows for more gas to be expelled leaving you drained and satisfied on a basic, gaseous level. Aren't you glad someone looked into this? Aren't you glad I relayed the information to you? I wish there was anything else to this story, like a point, or even the inspiration behind why someone wondered what the most efficient way to cut one is, but here we are, just standing and farting, caught between satisfaction and dissatisfaction.
Journalistic Merit: 2 dusty Larry King Farts out of 5
Deadly Fish Farts
An actual accredited university in Canada studied whether or not Pacific and Atlantic salmon could hear the high frequency sounds emitted by whales. If they could, it meant they would know when a predator was approaching and this is probably vaguely interesting to fish and/or whale enthusiasts. What they discovered was that the fish themselves emitted fast, repetitive ticks to communicate with each other. From whence does a fish emit a fast, repetitive tick? Oh, you got it boss, from its fish ass. The fish machine gun little farts at each other as a method of sharing information.
Fish farting as a way of chatting is awesome all by itself, but then they found out the whales can hear the farts and that's how the whales hunt down the fish. So while the fish are farting their little Morse code warnings about an approaching whale, the whale is only approaching because it's hearing all the fart commotion going on. What a bitch Mother Nature can be.
Journalistic Merit: 3 dour Dan Rather Farts out of 5
For many people, cracking an air walnut is a source of much embarrassment. No one really wants to be the guy who made the room smell like pastrami and Grandpa's breath. So when it happens, there's a degree of shame for most of us. Unless we actually are Grandpa, in which case it's with a sense of pride you lift one withered cheek to let that stank rocket from the crypt like an accusing finger of ass mist.
Marc Higgins was a man with bean shame. While at a party, after letting loose what must have been a seriously epic subterranean snarl, other partygoers criticized and mocked him for his foul affront. Higgins responded in the way any insane person might, by storming from the party and then returning sometime later to indiscriminately stab people in an effort to teach them a lesson in courtesy.
In total, Higgins stabbed four people, killing one, because they made fun of his farting. He turned himself in stating he didn't mean to do it, he just wanted them to not mock him, and his victims were just the first four people he saw. What an asshole.
Journalistic Merit: 5 mustachioed Geraldo Farts out of 5
Green Livestock Farts
Do you know what GMO stands for? It's "genetically modified organism," and people hate them. They don't know why they hate them, but they do. Many people are convinced that genetically modifying foods will turn us all into three armed mutants. Science says genetically modified foods are pretty much OK but science has no place in the world of people who can yell things louder than science. That said, someone wants to genetically modify cows to fart less.
As you may be aware, cattle and sheep are two really big industries for farmers. And they're also really big sources of greenhouse gases, as both animals are constantly farting and queefing us toward a hotter, more unlivable tomorrow. If cows had their way we'd all be in desert wastelands Mad Max style, wearing old football gear and leather chaps, eating canned dog food because that's all that survives. Fuckin' cows. But science says "hold on there, assholes!" and offers up the technology and know-how to make cattle green. Not literally green, although I bet science could do that too. They made glow-in-the-dark kittens, as I recall, and that shit is totally whack. But basically we're talking about eco-friendly cows.
The plan comes from Australia, where they must know a thing or two about farts, and it seeks to selectively breed cattle, sheep, and goats to reduce fart emissions by 40 percent or so. I'm not sure how you identify the fart gene in livestock to selectively breed it, but I imagine it involves spending a lot of time standing behind various cows and making appropriate notes on the subject while occasionally pausing to wash your face and sigh.
Journalistic Merit: 3 Anderson Cooper squeakers out of 5
The lights are low. It's late; you're having drinks, sitting close together. You lean in close and, purposefully but slowly, you exhale ever so slowly against her ear, the warmth and force of your breath causing her to shudder just slightly as you whisper, barely audibly, how absolutely sexy she looks right now before you let your lips brush against the bare flesh of her neck. Then you fart and get such a raging boner.
Oh wait, is that not how it works? Well, screw you, because science says that's exactly how it works. Or almost exactly, I may have taken a few liberties with my paraphrasing. Point is, hydrogen sulphide gives boners to rats, and if it gives a rat a boner then I dare you to explain how you're not sporting a boner when you smell rotten eggs and/or tragic egg farts. Yes, science sought to make a Viagra alternative out of fart gas because it relaxes blood vessels and Italian scientists found a way to inject that into wangs to cause boners in rats. So maybe in the future your next hard-on will be as easy as sticking a needle full of fart into your dick. Ladies, get ready for some sexings!
Journalistic Merit: 2 dignified Walter Cronkite Farts out of 5
You can't assault a peace officer. We don't allow it. Because of the nature of the work police officers do, they're afforded a degree of respect and protection that is somewhat above and beyond that of a regular citizen. And of course we see a lot of videos these days of police officers abusing their authority, but hopefully what we're seeing are the minority of irregular instances that exist among a majority of times when police do their job well and respectfully. All of this, of course, has something or other to do with why you can't fart on a cop.
Jose Cruz failed three field sobriety tests and, as a result, he was taken into custody. As the arresting officer was setting up a breathalyzer test, Cruz scooched closer in his chair, lifted a cheek and proceeded to fog the atmosphere with his foul wind. Worse, he used his hands to waft it towards the officer in a final, insulting gesture. The fart was so egregious that it was described as being "very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature" and netted Cruz an assault charge. Assault. With his ass. I'd say "ass-ault" but I made that joke earlier in the article. Maybe we'll go with ass-ail this time.
Journalistic Merit: 2 of Wolf's Blitzers out of 5
Nancy Grace Fart Lovers
Nancy Grace fits perfectly into this article, as I've often suspected that if a particularly sour and somewhat viscous fart were ever able to coalesce into human form, it would likely become Grace herself. So it's appropriate then that she has her very own fart story which we should never forget about because I bet it makes her unhappy to have this spread around, and if anyone ever deserved to be unhappy it's a terribly judgmental and destructively irresponsible blowhard like Nancy Grace.
If you remember some years back after Dancing with the Stars officially gave up on even trying to use "stars" and apparently went with the scientific definition being a hot, flaming gas ball, Nancy Grace was a contestant on the show. Here's TMZ's classy reporting on the subject;
This story alone would be funny enough because it's nice when a human troglodyte has to endure such childish humiliation on a national stage, but there's a second chapter to Nancy Grace Fartgate, and it is this -- fart aficionados, which I guess are a thing, wanted that clip. After the show aired, porn websites tried to buy the clip to post online so that people who are neither turned off by Nancy Grace or farting, and in fact may be turned on by both, could wank to the incident. This was reported as actual news in the real world. People wanted to jerk off to Nancy Grace farting. I dare you to forget that. I dare you to live the rest of your life oblivious to what you now know. That somewhere out there was a guy who was all, "Oh, yeah, this is alright!" and he took his pants off and sat in his comfy chair and probably buttered his schlong while watching that clip over and over again until he was finished and then he cleaned up with a tube sock.
Journalistic Merit: 1 greasy Nancy Grace Fart out of 5