8 Ridiculous Products for Sale on Amazon (For One Penny)
Decades of bad pop culture and the desperate schemes of mad inventors have left our world with an overstock of stupid shit, and now our world is passing the savings on to you! With search phrases I really, really hope Amazon.com forgets about, I've scoured the darkest corners of its sprawling product database to find eight awful things you can buy for only $0.01, and every single one of them is overpriced.
Dance the Macarena
The Macarena was originally designed by conservative parents to convince their gay children to not grow up to be dancers. Later, it was used by the military to see if it was possible to weaponize a wedding DJ's quiet rage. It's a combination of waving and rotating so easy to do that nearby people in wheelchairs will ask you to stop patronizing them. Gorillas use it as the sign language word for urinary tract infections. As for learning it, it's actually harder to not know how to do the Macarena because it involves going back in time and convincing your mother it's okay to drink hi-yield insecticide. I guess my point is, if you're buying a tape on it, get your affairs in order. Natural selection has been training for millions of years to get things exactly like you the fuck out of the gene pool.This VHS tape is worth 500 times less than the postage needed to mail it and it runs 30 times longer than a convincing speech about why you should never do the Macarena. By my math, you would have to beat a dog with a 6" Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki to find a faster, more affordable way to tell the world you're an asshole. When you order this, Amazon.com tells you that it is frequently bought with a rope and an unsigned suicide note.
Dogs*** Breath Bumper Sticker
If I had to pick two words to describe myself, I'd either pick "Cock Tornado" or "Robocop Twice." This bumper sticker seems designed for people with lower self esteem. Dog---- Breath? Maybe this is for vegans who want to share the horrible things their body needs to do in order to dissolve chicory, but don't have time to breathe on everyone.
Maybe it's for serial killers to explain why their car smells like a decaying runaway? Is this just a badly translated label from a Chinese pet euthanizing bag? It makes no sense why someone would drive in a car labelled "Dog---- Breath." And that scares me, because when I can't figure something like this out it always ends up being a sex thing. This sticker is almost certainly a discreet way to tell ladies that you're not picky about looks and your face is a toilet.
I thought the crossed out "shit" is what really makes this bumper sticker special. It felt like a look behind the curtain of the humor(?) writer's process. "Should the bumper say Dog Breath... or Dogshit Breath? Holy fuck, why not kind of both?" Unfortunately, after reading the Product Features, I realized I was giving this bumper sticker author too much credit:
After writing this generation's "How's-My-Driving-Call-1-800-EAT-SHIT," this poor guy had to have an email exchange with the morality department of an auction site trafficking used dildos, retake non-obscene pictures of his product, rewrite its description to sound more victimized, and today... if he sells out his entire stock he's looking to make $0.06 before taxes. I'm starting to think that reality television lied to us-- there doesn't seem to be any money in being a fucking idiot.
Hi, hipsters. Has this every happened to you? You desperately want to tell a camera about your remedial sense of humor but your finger with the moustache tattooed on it smells too much like dickhole to put near your nose? That's why you need Paparazzi Shades, you witless piece of human trash! They make the several seconds after explaining that you're not coming from cataract surgery nearly hilarious!
You usually see black censored bars over the eyes of the people in a group photo who didn't recently go missing, so be careful if you look around and notice you're the only one not wearing Paparazzi Shades. I wouldn't worry about that happening, though. Novelty items don't usually get marked down from $24.95 to $00.01 when they're a runaway success. These are so worthless that if a malnourished Bangladeshi girl's hair falls into the box while she's manufacturing a pair of Paparazzi Shades, they quadruple in value. So yes, I'm saying that Paparazzi Shades are at least the number one reason Bangladeshi factory children aren't fed. And you thought they were just figuratively the worst things ever.
What color are your balls? Wait, what? This has to be some kind of edgy video game promotion, or maybe a way for a jugglers to tell each other they're rapists. It can't just be a clumsy, context-free reference to ball balls, can it? Let's look at the Product Description...Huh. "Sex, men, genitals, testicle, nuts, gonads." I guess that explains that. Though it doesn't explain why the person asking me about my balls has shark teeth on his, or what his endgame might be. Is he hoping I'm also frustrated with my sex life and we'll make some kind of gentleman's agreement to put on wigs and clinically milk each other? Is he an alien trying to decorate a cake? I love that it's only one cent, but I really wouldn't mind spending a bit more for a pin that makes a god damn bit of sense.
Misty Mate Pet Misting SystemI can't believe the Misty Mate Pet Misting System got marked down 99.99999%. If there's one thing every animal loves, it's being enveloped by a robot that spits on them. This horrible device is exactly what cats will invent when they become smart enough to force information from one another.According to the manufacturer's website, it's great for "dog houses, pet runs, horse stables, reptile enclosures, rabbit pens, bird cages or any play area for your pet." It requires one standard garden hose in case you ever wanted to say the words, "Yes, landlord, I agree that a running garden hose is a strange thing to have in a living room, but how else was I going to keep my bird or snake moist?" And did I read that part about horse stables correctly? The damn thing is the size of a cat carrier. How is that supposed to keep a horse cool? Do I clamp it onto the animal's face? I bet there's a reason no horse has never drowned from a lawn sprinkler being wrapped around its mouth-- it will fucking die of panic long before it gets that far. So... I guess I turn the mister upside down and hope my horse is smart enough to drag its penis through it? That doesn't sound safe. My research with off-brand Real Dolls shows that discount plastics and giant cocks are a dangerous, shrapnelly combination.
Beer Pounding Alpha Male Stud PinI'm confused. Where does a real beer pounding alpha male stud wear this button? On his Chili's vest? On his boyfriend's tennis bag? I didn't even know this product was available to the consumer market, much less priced at one penny. I thought you could only get a BEER POUNDING ALPHA MALE STUD pin by mailing in the code given to you by your mother when you ask her what a clitoris is.In theory, I like this pin. It seems polite to warn everyone that you're going to fill yourself with liquor and dominate their girlfriends, but I think it should really be delivered on a tougher medium than metal button. For example, maybe a bundle of balloons or a t-shirt being worn by your parrot.
DIPPY The Rabbit
The market dropped out for Beanie Baby collectors more quickly than it dropped out for Japanese nuclear engineers. Today, both groups of people are left to deal with thousands of tons of waste, unsure how to get rid of it, and cursing the God that allowed it. It's so tough out there for Beanie Babies that DIPPY the Rabbit had to get a job as a breast implant.
From what I can tell, there's no "used" category when speaking about Beanie Babies. There's only "new" and "collectible." I think in this case, "collectible" means it hasn't been cried on yet. Or maybe it means that the paper heart hanging off its ear has been protected with a plastic case. It seems like that was a good investment since the "collectible" DIPPY is worth 50 cents, an incredible 5000% more than the "new" DIPPY. Out of curiosity, let's take a look at what a 10 pack of heart protectors costs.
Oh, shit. That's bad news for those ladies that invested in these, but I think I might have found an all new Beanie Baby money-making scheme. If you buy carefully packaged Beanie Babies that for decades have been lovingly cared for by lonely women, throw them in the trash and keep the label protectors, you make 20.5 cents per DIPPY. Even if one $0.57 garbage bag can only hold 30 DIPPYs, you're still making 18.6 cents a rabbit. Plus, the look on your garbage man's daughter's face will be priceless in 15 years when she hears the magic bag of treasure her father found at work is worth negative 7210 future bucks and she has to sit on space eggs after school to pay off their family's Beanie debt. "Will the misery of these Babies never end?" she might shout from the cramped space egg roost. And her only reply will be lasers, now and forever.
At the risk of impressing you, ladies, I don't know a lot about Beanie Babies collecting. The only thing I really know is that every time he hears a bean bag rattle, DIPPY's original owner's husband can't stand to look at her goddamn stupid dingbat face. So it's possible that DIPPY was an overly common one and some of the others have skyrocketed in value... let's look.
Oh, man. If you didn't mind filling your home of the fuzzy embodiment of a thousand lost housewife fortunes, you could buy every single Beanie Baby that was ever made for 40 cents. Think about that the next time you eat almost half of a candy bar.
Full House Pin
Imagine a man gave you a 1" button with Dave Coulier's picture on it. That means he's going to kill you, right? Probably, but I'm not done. Imagine it's Dave Coulier's serious actor head shot above Uncle Joey's wacky catchphrase, "CUT IT OUT." Imagine this mysterious stranger expects you to keep careful track of the stupid button in a warehouse full of stupid buttons then make it available for Internet shoppers once whatever those are are invented. Imagine they ask you to do this for 17 years. What would seem like a reasonable fee for all that? Zero pennies? No, come on, he insists: one penny.
Oh, cool. They made one with John Stamos' head shot, and someone completely different has also priced it at $0.01. Cosmically speaking, if you're packing and mailing Full House pins for one cent in 2011, you're who the Universe fucks when it's drunk and no one else is picking up the phone. Every time a pigeon doesn't crap on you, it's because it all landed on the lady at the post office weighing an Uncle Jesse pin and telling the clerk she needs to insure it for up to one cent.
$0.03!? You don't even give me a discount if I buy all three!? This is bullshit. When I bought three Urkel pins they threw in a free wallet, two shoes and a dead forklift driver. When you work in a '90s sitcom novelty pin warehouse, that's the only way out.
Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet at Seanbaby.com. Follow him on Twitter.For more, see 6 Real Video Games That Were Too Insane To Release, Stupidity Digest: 1516 Ways to Kill The Romance, and 6 Things Red Dead Redemption Taught Me About (Hating) Women.