The 6 Most Aggressively Ridiculous Benders in Modern History
Written with Ian Fortey. Sure, we've all gone on week-long benders and maybe ended up killing a few hobos with our bare hands or bonin' Pamela Anderson. (Not the famous one, the one from accounting. You know, the one with that... thing?) But some folks out there just take it to the next level. Some folks get so wasted on their mind-altering substance of choice that to hear their story retold is to be a part of something equal parts horrifying and beautiful, like watching a live birth. Here are the confused, bewildered, most certainly arrested souls that gave birth to our most majestic of benders:
The Naked Terminator
Real robots from the future don't run, they just punch you mercilessly in the spine.It is at this point that I would like to suggest this man be crowned God-King of excuses, because that is a goddamn good one. We all know, thanks to the Terminator mythos, that clothes cannot be transported back in time. That explains the nudity. And one cannot tell a Terminator from a human being, so there's no way to immediately disprove his claims. Finally, if you even suspect that something is a Terminator, the last thing you want to do is arrest it. So in a perfect world, this is the kind of idyllic excuse that would win the Lie Oscars. It fits every criteria of the situation, negates every negative consequence of said situation and is also just goddamn funny. However, because this is not a perfect world, he was sadly snubbed by the
See? They really are oddly spine-focused robots, in the future.Because if the former is true, this man deserves the slowest of slow claps, but if it's the latter, then this is the most effective anti-drug ad I have ever heard: This guy dropped acid thinking, at most, he's gonna see some sweet tracers and maybe figure out what
The Four-Year-Old Who Stole Christmas
"That's what I love about these preschool girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."Now where the four-year-old mind parts ways from most adults is in the execution of the ensuing bender: Many of us would happily sit in our gitch and watch SpongeBob for the rest of the day, punch out the mailman, hug the dog and cry. That'd be cool. But Hayden decided to roadtrip it Hunter S. Thompson style. Sometime around 1 AM, he left home behind and took his beer out into the world. He wandered down the street in the middle of the night and rang a neighbor's doorbell who, upon seeing a four-year-old drinking beer in the wee hours of the morning did what any of us would do. He sent him on his way. Hey, last thing you need is a drunken toddler fuckin' up your place in the middle of the night. I mean, can you imagine? Going on about how that slut Dora won't explore anything new anymore and then puking on the coffee table. Who needs that hassle? So Hayden went to the next house and, finding they'd left their door unlocked, taught them why you shouldn't leave your door unlocked. He ransacked their Christmas presents, including stealing a brown dress which he was wearing when police finally found him.
Pictured: Hayden Wright, Sr.Cops took the little wino to the hospital where he had his stomach pumped and presumably he swore he'd never drink again (but you know he was hitting the bottle again the next day). Mom eventually showed up with a pantload of excuses about how his dad is in prison and he just wanted to go see him, none of which even broach how confounding it must have been for cops to roll up at nearly 2 AM and see a four-year-old boy in a dress with a beer. This is easily the greatest Christmas story I've ever heard and should be retold throughout the ages. It may even deserve its own claymation Christmas special. It really has everything: a felonious absentee father, cross dressing, irresponsible parents, irresponsible neighbors, several misdemeanors, a tall boy, a B&E and stomach pumping. If that's not the spirit of the season then Jesus has been hiding all those eggs in vain.
Drunk Diaperingdisappearing pants. Presumably Graham scoured the area in search of the pants for some time and came up empty handed, though it seems just as plausible that he never had any pants to begin with. Thinking quickly--and with all the sharpness you'd expect from a piss drunk fish factory worker who was naked from the waist down in the woods at night--Graham made his way to the nearby home of a 92-year-old lady and let himself in. Luckily the woman was out, doing whatever elderly Nova Scotians do all night, while Graham helped himself to a pair of her Depends. Then, satisfied that he had managed to attire his undercarriage in a suitable fashion, he proceeded to pass the fuck out on her floor.
"Oh man, eh, I drank too much of the Molson there... eh?"When the rightful owner of the diapers arrived on the scene the next morning and discovered a drunken idiot she hadn't left there the night before, she went to a neighbor's to call the cops. At his trial, Nickerson defended himself by pointing out that "he hadn't drank that much in a while." In legal terminology, this is known as the "Epically Piss-poor" Defense.
Enchanted Mace +1 to Swan Summoning
Might Be On Drugs, Say Authorities
"He may have been on drugs."Look at that picture! That guy isn't on drugs, that guy is drugs. That guy is the living avatar of drugs. He is their embodiment on Earth. As Jesus Christ was to the Lord, that picture is to narcotics. He leapt out a third story window, wrestled a dog to death with his bare hands after a passerby interrupted his screaming session, then stripped naked and covered himself in burning coffee... and police are not willing to commit to his status RE:Drugs. Here's a hint: It's very. His status is "very drugs."
You can pre-order Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead on Amazon, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots. Ian Fortey just wants you to know he does some pretty fine comedy over at FunnyCrave... because he's much less of an attention whore than Robert.