The 6 Biggest Disappointments of My Disappointing Life
Little Girls Suck Just As Much As Little BoysThe Assumption: Little Girls Are More Mature And, Therefore, Better Than Little BoysI'm not sure how this got into my head. After all, we're talking about when I was four, but I seem to recall hearing all through my early childhood that girls were more mature than boys. Maybe it was just a misquote intended to describe physical maturation. But to young Gladstone that meant little girls weren't petty or cruel. They were above childish playground taunts and silly cut-throat competition. The Crushing Realization: Little Girls Are The DevilI remember some boys in pre-K who refused to play with little girls. Cooties or something. I was never quite sure on the details, but I swear I never had that phase. And one day during quiet reading time, I saw two of my classmates sharing a book that I also wanted to read. Undaunted by their lack of a penis, I asked to join in. Denied. And this is a quote: "No. You're a booooooooooooooooooooy." (That's pronounced "boy," but apparently little girls are capable of making that a four syllable word.)I soon came to realize that if testosterone is the hormone that turns boys to men who wage war on their brother, then latent supplies of estrogen are responsible for fashioning prepubescent girls into Satan's little helpers. I'm sure there are worse things in the world than ten-year-old girls, but thankfully I've yet to encounter them. Sure, Jeffrey Dahmer would drill holes into his victims' skulls in a failed attempt to convert them into sexual zombies, and then eat them, but only a ten-year-old she-beast would go up to a little girl on welfare to show off her $80 dollar shoes. Only a little girl would throw a party inviting everyone in the class except the one girl she hated. If little girls are more mature than little boys, then that means only they've more quickly acquired the shameful skills of adulthood.
Grown-Ups CheatThe Assumption: Selfish Cheating Children Will Have To Grow Up One DayI remember being a kid and seeing kids cheat at games. I remember lies told to teachers about the extra Munchkins stolen from Dunkin' Donuts boxes. And I remember just a whole bunch of basically immature, shitty little kid behavior, flowing from thinking that went like this: "who cares about being fair? I want what's best for me." I'd shake my little prepubescent head (which I guess means my head before it sprouted a penis?) and comfort myself with thoughts that one day these kids would have to grow up. Maybe it's because my parents were pretty fair so I kind of assumed that's what grown ups were.
College Is Not Much Different Than High SchoolThe Assumption: In College Everyone Will Get The Real Me I don't know about you, but I did not particularly enjoy high school. Not because I wasn't having tons of great sex with naughty cheerleaders and worldly visiting twenty nine-year-old English teachers from Holland - I totally was. But I thought most of my peers were shallow, sheltered, petty, suburbanite jerks. But come college? Look out! My peers would see the real me! I'd wear a long scarf for no apparent reason and ponder poetry in the windows of 200-year-old institutions, striking the fancy of some bisexual, bipolar girl who dared me to achieve orgasm on the front lawn of the Bursar's office. Or at the very least, no one would call me a fag for liking David Bowie.
Girls Like JerksThe Assumption: Girls Want A Sensitive Guy Who Understands ThemI can't pinpoint who told me that girls liked nice guys. Maybe I made that up. But in my home and on TV and in school I was always raised to treat women with respect. Why would the whole world conspire against me to teach me something that would prevent me from getting laid? It just didn't make sense. So yeah, I wanted to be that guy who listened. Who understood. Not only was it the right thing to do, but everyone would agree I had a way with the ladies.
You Could Be Functionally Retarded And Still Be My BossThe Assumption: Elders, Especially Elders in Power, Are WiseI know it's hard to believe, but for the longest time I just kind of assumed everyone who was older was smarter. Or maybe it wasn't older people. Maybe it was people in power. I was raised to believe in a merit system. That all you had to be was smart and hard-working and the rest just took care of itself. So when I finally entered the market place, I just kind of assumed anyone in a position of power had to have a skill set that justified their position.
AnalThe Assumption: The Dirtiest Greatest Thing EverTaboo sex. What's hotter than that? That's gotta be like the tightest, raunchiest, most amazing kind of sex there is, right?The Disappointing Realization: An Inferior OrificeMaybe it's just because I'm a huge fan and supporter of the vagina, but I have to go on record right now and say the anus is just an inferior orifice. I don't mean to offend anyone who spends a lot of time there. I mean, the anus truly is a miraculous place. Offer the right amount of stimulation and BAM, suddenly the whole thing just opens right up, doesn't it? And that's kind of the problem. Once you reach that magical moment, you transition from um, how to put this eloquently, forcing a hot dog into an erotically undersized bun to just kind of dropping it into a Big Gulp. In order to get that much transformation out of a vagina you usually have to push a baby through it.At the end of the day, I think it's really more of a psychologically rewarding accomplishment than physical sensation overload type thing. Don't get me wrong, I much prefer sodomy to let's say working for my first boss, but it was a disappointment nonetheless.
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