5

Kidnapping and Ransom

My uneasiness around the elderly is almost certainly born from cautionary tales I heard as a child about witches. The story of Hansel and Gretel in particular I blame for both a crippling fear of being kidnapped by old women, and a general distrust of Germans. In March of this year, my life-long fears combined into a super-terror when a group of German seniors between the ages of 61 and 80

4

Bank Heist and Robbery

In April of this year, three men were arrested for plotting to rob an armored car in Chicago. The men were between the ages of 69 and 73. Jerry “The Monk” Scalise and Arthur “The Genius” Rachel teamed up with Robert “Bobby” Pullia (who seemed to have been between awesome nicknames) to rob a La Grange bank and a house belonging to an old mob leader. The plan was fairly ambitious considering that most men their age weren’t plotting anything more complex than backgammon moves.

Gordon never understood why the conversation always stopped when he sat down.

They staked out the timing of the truck deliveries, the habits of the guards and even the weight of the money bags to be sure they could carry them without cracking a hip. The perfect planning and organization behind the crime revealed two things: 1) Old people have a lot of free time 2) Studios should be falling all over themselves to make a movie about this. It gets better, Jerry Scalise already had a brief career on a film set as the technical consultant for the bank heist movie,

3

Setting a Woman on Fire

Misogyny, sexism, and domestic abuse have long been a problem in India, so it’s nice to finally see a progressive man who’s willing to let his mom do a job that was previously reserved only for males. Two years ago in Mumbai, Mangal Bharat Thorat had an argument with her daughter-in-law over a dowry before the 62-year-old Thorat beat the girl, poured kerosene over her and set her ablaze. Now, my hyper-fear of the elderly means that from time to time I prepare for the hundreds of hypothetical situations in which they may try to kill me and/or devour my youth, but I can honestly say that I have no contingency plan for being set on fire by senior citizens. Several things would have to go wrong to afford a 62-year-old woman the time to not only to collect kerosene, but douse me in it, strike a match and throw it at me.

“Thanks for waiting, I can never remember where my husband puts the candles.”

This crime is also frightening because it’s so far removed from common sense. Aside from being a grossly inappropriate reaction to an argument with an in-law, it also seems to be the least likely way to get more money from the bride’s family. Thorat received life in prison for the crime which is a small consequence to a 62-year-old woman. I think the lesson we can all glean here is that senior citizens are particularly dangerous because they have nothing to lose.

2

Petit Larceny and Tampering with Jell-O

While technically not a felony, this crime is so irrational and bizarre that it makes me just as anxious about the conniving and unpredictable nature of the elderly as anything else on this list. At some point last spring, an old couple in Long Island decided they were sick of paying for groceries, and in particular, Jell-O. Together they devised and launched an elaborate scheme to buy packages of pudding mix, remove the powder and replace it with sand. Then they returned the boxes to the stores and reaped the astronomical profits of around $1.40 a box. Most staggering of all, their intention was never to sell the pudding, they just wanted a lot of it for free. Everything worked smoothly until the stores restocked the old packages and costumers complained their Jell-O looked a lot like

1

Stealing Christmas

In prison, the hierarchy of abuse is dependent on the crime responsible for incarceration because even convicted felons have a sense of moral decency. At the bottom of that hierarchy you will find a toothless and bloody pile of pedophiles, and buried directly under them are remains of people who tried to steal Christmas from poor children. I assume, I’ve never actually seen a prison outside of Oz on HBO and they never did a Christmas episode.

"Baby, it’s cold outside.”

In April of 2009, Virginia Kelly was arrested for stealing toys from the Toys for Tots program and selling them for profit. She was 73. If you are unfamiliar with Toys for Tots program, it’s run by the U.S. Marine Corp and designed to help fill the holes in the hearts of impoverished children who otherwise wouldn’t have a Christmas. At the time of Kelly’s arrest, police recovered over 11,000 toys from her house and storage unit which equates to around 11,000 heart holes, thus making Kelly the worst thing to happen to children since ventricular septal defect. Go ahead, look it up. It's a great joke.