I do not like old people. My uneasiness is not born from hatred but from fear. I donât trust their giant ears and ankles, the way their faces melt into their droopy necks, the way their hands donât cast shadows like see-through fish. I feel confident revealing my terror in this venue because senior citizens remain, to my great relief, technologically inept and because the font here is far too small for them to read. In fact, I encourage you to forward this article to all the geriatrics you know. If they manage to peck out a response it will only be in regards to the darlingness of this fawn.
I am insulting your surrender to time in tiny words!âBut Soren,â you will cry, âhow can you attack a harmless and loving demographic behind their backs, particularly a demographic to which you will one day belong.â And I will reply, âFool! Their palsy fingers are pulling your heart strings. They have you exactly where you want you! Also, aging is an impossibility for me thanks to a decomposing self-portrait I keep in my attic.â Senior citizens are
Germany can make anything creepy.They then took turns beating him and demanding a ransom of $1.4 million they felt they were owed for investments. Itâs important to note here that these were two couples and a friend who did the kidnap and the torture which is encouraging for anyone who thinks married people and singles stop hanging out after a certain point.
Just like old times.Amburn managed to escape by jumping over a garden wall but was promptly tackled by neighbors and returned to the house. The reason being, the husband and wife who owned the lake house insisted he was a burglar and they wanted him returned for punishment. The other members of the community were happy to oblige the nice old couple thus proving the duplicitous power seniors are capable of wielding. Amburn was finally rescued and treated for two broken ribs and the unrelenting stench of mothballs.
âThanks for waiting, I can never remember where my husband puts the candles.âThis crime is also frightening because itâs so far removed from common sense. Aside from being a grossly inappropriate reaction to an argument with an in-law, it also seems to be the least likely way to get more money from the brideâs family. Thorat received life in prison for the crime which is a small consequence to a 62-year-old woman. I think the lesson we can all glean here is that senior citizens are particularly dangerous because they have nothing to lose.
âI remember it being creamier.âUnfortunately for the Clements, logic hates pudding and sat this mission out. Had it been involved, the couple may have realized that the cost of the sandwich bags, the glue, the gas for each second trip to the grocery store, and the manpower of filling and resealing the packages tallied out to significantly more than $1.40 per box.
"Baby, itâs cold outside.âIn April of 2009, Virginia Kelly was arrested for stealing toys from the Toys for Tots program and selling them for profit. She was 73. If you are unfamiliar with Toys for Tots program, itâs run by the U.S. Marine Corp and designed to help fill the holes in the hearts of impoverished children who otherwise wouldnât have a Christmas. At the time of Kellyâs arrest, police recovered over 11,000 toys from her house and storage unit which equates to around 11,000 heart holes, thus making Kelly the worst thing to happen to children since ventricular septal defect. Go ahead, look it up. It's a great joke.
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