The 5 Craziest Stories Of The 2016 Election So Far (Pt.
Whether any of us feel like it or not, we're electing the next president of the United States soon. Less than a year from now, actually. So while you're busy crying about Christmas ads starting too early, come this time next year, all that jingle bells shit will be a welcome respite from the endless stream of attack ads and various other forms of campaign propaganda we're going to be inundated with for the next 12 months.
We certainly don't want to contribute too much to the election fatigue you're surely experiencing, but at the same time, it's our civic duty to at least keep you abreast of what's happening -- if for no other reason than to keep you from having to spend your online energy visiting a legitimate news source like some kind of square.
To make covering the presidential hiring process interesting for us, we rounded up a few Cracked-related personalities and conscripted them into an election fantasy league, thus injecting a much-needed dose of competitiveness around these parts. You can read thoughts from the winners and losers at the end of this article. But first, here are a few of the stories that went into deciding which of us will hate each other for the next few weeks (around the office or otherwise).
Ben Carson's Own Advisers Admit He's Dumb
Ben Carson had a terrible week, and if the events of this election so far are any indication, it probably won't matter much. He's just barely trailing Donald Trump, which is a nightmare all its own that we'll get to later. But really, we owe him a debt of gratitude. In an election that seems to be so full of genuinely evil people, or at least candidates who think that they have to act evil to win votes, Carson is emerging as Sarah Palin 2.0. Sure, he compared Syrian refugees to rabid dogs, but stacked up against what some of his competition said, he is basically the comic relief of this election.
This is a man who is so religious that he has a verse from Proverbs etched into the wall of his home. And so dumb that he managed to have "Proverbs" spelled wrong.
Those Oscars probably aren't real, either.
But it's not just his lack of interior decorating skills we need to be worried about. After Carson embarrassed himself at the last debate by saying that China was fighting in Syria, his main foreign policy advisor, Duane R. Clarridge, went to The New York Times to say that his employer doesn't understand world affairs. Like, at all. In fact, Clarridge's exact quote was, "Nobody has been able to sit down with him and have him get one iota of intelligent information about the Middle East." I can't stress enough that the person who said that is currently working with Ben Carson, and said this on the record. At least we can rest easy knowing that our next president probably won't have to deal with any problems in the Middle East. I'm sure everything will be sorted out by then.
Ted Cruz Finally Says Something Crazy Enough to Get Noticed
Immigration was already a huge talking point in this election, but the terror attacks in Paris brought it to the forefront in a lot of ways over the past week. One of the more unfortunate such ways is that the "mainstream" (meaning not Carson or Trump) candidates suddenly feel completely comfortable sharing their more fringe-worthy thoughts with potential voters.
Ted Cruz was the first of several Republican candidates who used the attacks to assure voters that in his America, the only Syrian refugees we'd allow in would be the Christians. Muslim refugees, on the other hand, will just have to go wherever Muslims go -- which, apparently, isn't this country anymore.
"Keep your huddled masses right the fuck away from us."
Never mind that those Muslims are fleeing the same enemy we're supposed to be fighting. Said enemy could just disguise themselves as good guys, you know? Take off their ISIS hoodies before they get to customs or whatever. They have ways. Just like, according to Jeb Bush, there are "ways" to prove you're a Christian.
When President Obama addressed the comments at an appearance overseas, Cruz went into full-on "Say it to my face!" mode, because a real man only questions another's policy decisions when he's within reasonable punching distance.
Ted Cruz's shouting match with Obama, combined with his Rick Perry moment at the most recent GOP debate ...
... would've put comic and podcast host Genevieve Mueller well atop the loser board in this week's fantasy league scoring, but an oversight in the rules last week which failed to take into account when a candidate drops out for good meant that didn't happen. Hey, speaking of which ...
Loser: Farewell, Bobby Jindal
When the scoring opportunities were decided on for this fantasy league of ours, we failed to assign points for that inevitable moment when a candidate finally accepts the hopelessness of their position in the race and decides to call it quits. That moment finally arrived for Republican Bobby Jindal, which meant a loss of 150 points for Cracked columnist Daniel Dockery -- enough to clear an easy path to last place. Here's what he had to say about it:
"Goodbye, Bobby Jindal.
"While I initially picked Mike Huckabee as the stallion that I'd ride to victory on, being saddled with you wasn't so bad. You always seemed like the hopeless longshot in your party, and I felt sympathy for you when you just couldn't manage to be as absolutely deranged as the psychopaths next to you. Sure, you managed to misunderstand a lot of the benefits that healthcare can offer, but in an era that absolutely demands that you have a shrieking opinion on the specific ways that nonwhites should be hated, you seemed like a little boy in his dad's jacket. Trump is 'The Million Dollar Man' Ted DiBiase, Carson is The Ultimate Warrior, Huckabee is The Honky Tonk Man, and you were just 'Rugged' Ronnie Garvin."
Do you see it? Yeah, you do.
"You put up a good fight, but deep down, I think I always knew that you were never going to last more than three minutes in this Royal Rumble.
"You had the support of Kevin 'God's Not Dead. Seriously, He's Not' Sorbo, and if the backing of a Hercules: The Legendary Journeys-list celebrity couldn't propel you into the political stratosphere, then I doubt that anything could. I'm certain that one day, we'll look back on your 2016 presidential campaign with a nostalgic fondness that we usually reserve for pictures of college parties that we threw up at. But for now, you managed to prove that, even though our society loves an underdog story, sometimes it's okay to hear the underdog and say 'Nah. Not this time, bro.'
"Take it easy, Bobby. See you in 2020."
Winner: Donald Trump Out-Crazies Everyone, Terrifyingly Retains Lead In the Polls
It seems inexplicable, given how much of a minefield as his recent thoughts on immigration, Syrian refugees, and Muslims in general have been. But a controversial hosting gig on Saturday Night Live, combined with the fact that, against all odds, he's managed to mostly fly under the radar during recent debate appearances, means that Trump is number two in points for fantasy league purposes. Here's what Cracked columnist and Trump obsession-ist Adam Tod Brown had to say about his sole fantasy league pick:
"Oh, Trump is starting to sound Nazi-like? I think I read an article on Cracked about that a few months ago. Also, I'll accept your acknowledgement of my keen eye for impending fascist disaster on Twitter @adamtodbrown."
Good start!
"Anyway, if you haven't been following the news for the last week or so, it's true: Major media outlets have finally taken to admitting that the ideas Trump is proposing sound eerily Hitler-like. During a recent GOP debate, he doubled down on his promise to round up and deport millions of undocumented immigrants, and even had the gall to cite President Eisenhower's disastrous (and disastrously named) Operation Wetback as proof that his idea could work."
"Surprisingly, that wasn't even the most Third-Reich-like Trump moment of the past few weeks. He also went on record to say that he wouldn't be opposed to making all Muslims in the United States register in a database of some sort, and maybe even carry an I.D. card or wear some sort of identifying symbol. That's Nazi as fuck. Even worse, when asked how his plan was different from what Hitler did to the Jews, his only answer was, 'You tell me.'
"That's your Republican frontrunner, ladies and gentlemen. Well done."
Winner: Hillary Clinton Continues To Be The Slightly Better Of Two Decent Options
By virtue of still leading the polls and thereby asserting herself as the statistically better of two very similar options, Hillary Clinton brought home enough points to secure a victory in this week's fantasy scoring for Cracked Editor Soren Bowie. He didn't have much to say about being "stuck" with Clinton last time. Let's see if that changes. Here are his thoughts:
"Please stop muddying my inbox with garbage emails about how I'm a winner. I've been winning at stuff for 33 years; I already know. I intentionally auto-drafted this goddamn dream team to prove that destiny is the laminate that keeps sticky people like you from getting a grip on me as you sink into misfortune. God is not my co-pilot. God is my driver, because I have better things to do along the way. Our sets of footprints in the sand are actually luxury tire treads."
"When you did see footprints, I was ghost riding the whip."
"It is a foregone conclusion that Hilary Clinton is going to win the Democratic nomination, and I will laugh in the slack-jawed faces of the sad, disbelieving keyboard killers who were certain Bernie Sanders would be POTUS for the next 60 years. I know it is inevitable for one simple reason: Bernie Sanders is the political equivalent of Snakes On A Plane. The Internet LOVES Bernie Sanders. They can't say enough about that guy, and with good reason. He's smart and honest and seems genuinely likable. But if you'll take a quick trip with me back to 2006, you'll remember that the Internet was also psyched to talk about a movie called Snakes On A Plane, to the point where it looked like it would smash box office records on opening day."
"And then ... it opened and flopped like hot testicles on a marble floor. That's because the Internet is overflowing with good intentions and absolutely no follow-through. Message boards, forums, and meme plants consist almost exclusively of people who think that their words matter as much as actions -- that just by talking about something, they've done enough work for one day. Mark my words.
"I'll see you on the podium."
Check out our initial draft in If Everything Had A Fantasy League: Election League. And get all the inside tips on your own election draft (free tip, don't draft Bobby Jindal) in 6 Bizarre Factors That Predict Every Presidential Election.
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