20 Movies On Netflix That Make It Feel Like Groundhog Day
Man, there is nothing to do right now. But staring at this wall sucks.
Seriously, fucking do something.
I know. I could watch Netflix. That almost always results in a feeling of lasting satisfaction about a life well lived.
Let's see what we've got.
Eh
How many X-Men movies are there now? Did people keep going to those?
Let's see what else we've got.
Nah
Let's see what else we've got.
That's Supposed To Be Good
I've heard it's really good, actually. But man. This is going to be one of those movies that I have to consider. I don't feel like considering things. I don't need to deal with an emotion tonight.
Let's see what else we've got.
That's Supposed To Be Less Good
Still pretty good, though. And I've enjoyed every other Tarantino movie I've seen. But it is still new, isn't it? Like, I'd still have to pay attention to it. I don't know if I really want to pay attention to something tonight. I just want something to take away the silence while I read my Internet.
Let's see what else we've got.
Nah
Let's see what else we've got.
Seen It 60 Times
That's not bad. I've seen it 60 times, which means I like it, but it also means I won't have to pay attention to it. Perfect! Done! Let's make some fucking snacks.
Remember when I said I was going to eat you last? I lied.
Man, that was quick. I normally spend way longer looking for something to watch on Netflix.
...
Let's see what else we've got.
Maybe
Yeah. I guess.
Let's see what else we've got.
I Don't Know If I Can Deal With Lesbian Sex Scenes Right Now
I mean, hypothetically, yes, I'm always up for lesbian sex scenes. But sometimes I'm just more in the right frame of mind for it than others. And this, being a time when other people can walk in the room and see me watching a lesbian sex scene, is not one of those times.
Let's see what else we've got.
I Can't Commit To An Acclaimed TV Show Right Now
I really should see that one of these days. This is, like, precisely up my alley. But that's got to be an 80-hour commitment. It would take me years to assemble 80 hours of free time, and I don't know if I want the next half-decade of my free time to be dedicated to one show. Fuhgeddaboudit!
Man, I hope that's a line from that show.
But we're getting closer. Wait! Do they have ...
Dammit
Nope. This is the first time tonight I've been excited about a movie, and it's not fucking here. Man, Netflix sucks. Heat would have been perfect. That bank robbery, man. Yeah. Yeah!
Let's see what else we've got.
God, How Do You Have This But Not Heat?
Face/Off? Come on. It's bad Nic Cage before bad Nic Cage was a thing. And it's got pretty bad Travolta, too, and also dozens of face puns, and also slow-motion birds for some reason.
Wait! WAIT! Do they have ...
Nope
WELL THEN FUCK EVERYTHING THAT EVER LIVED.
WHY DO YOU EVEN OFFER A MEDIA SERVICE IF NOT TO LET PEOPLE WATCH HARD BOILED AT ANY TIME OF THE DAY?
THIS MOVIE IS EVERYTHING.
FINE. LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE WE'VE GOT.
Nah
Let's see what else we've got.
Because You Watched Armageddon
None of these movies are like Armageddon. I can't conceive of three movies less like Armageddon.
Go home, Netflix, you're drunk.
Crap, Now I'm In The Kids' Section
Kids' movies and shows these days are such crap. Not like the kids' shows in my day. Those were ... actually, those were all literally advertisements for toys, weren't they?
Man, those were awesome.
Let's see what else we've got.
Could Work
Yeah. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah.
No.
Let's see what else we've got.
I Wonder If I Should Go Through Another Anime Phase
That was kind of fun, right? Giant Robots. Moody Child Giant Robot Drivers. Uncomfortably Hot Child Giant Robot Drivers. I had a lot of fun during my anime phase. Sure, I didn't talk to girls or other human beings back then, but now that I have, I can kind of see how overrated that is.
Yeah! Let's get into anime again. What do we have here?
Ehhhhhhhhhhhh I don't know any of this shit.
Let's see what else we've got.
Eh
Whoa. I'm not sure if anyone's ever been this deep into Netflix.
Let's see what else we've got.
Jesus Christ, Did I Reach The End Of Netflix?
I've never seen the menu just stop before. Is this it? Has Netflix given up on me? Should I give up on me?
Oh my god, how long have I been at this?
Fine, Whatever
Come at me, Face/Off. You are marginally more attractive than nothing at all.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has had a number of media platforms give up on him. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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