The 10 Most Butt References Per Second in Music History
As 2009 was coming to a close, I wanted to take a look back and reflect on some of the most important events of the last 10 years. Unrelated to that, I spent two straight weeks listening to songs about butts. I was not about to go into 2010 without finally solving the riddle of Which Song In All Of Human History Mentions Asses The Most? This knowledge will be invaluable to our people's musical future. Did you know that in 2009, Atlanta officially replaced all music with songs about thonged asses and what you should do with them? It's true. If you take a guitar into Atlanta, they'll ask you why you tied all that underwear to a bedpan. In order to perform this study, I listened to several hundred songs themed around asses and counted how many times they mentioned butts. I then plugged this data into a computer that divided it by the length of the song to find each song's Booty Per Second. This number was then multiplied by one and added to zero several times in an effort to confuse the computer. If I can keep it on its toes, it won't have time to trick me. Booty Per Second Booty Rules 1. The song has to be serious. It's OK if it seems silly to you, but the artists who wrote and performed the song had to be completely sincere about wanting your ass to shake or be placed on his or her mouth. 2. All synonyms for booty such as rump or junk are acceptable. This is obviously a bit clouded by metaphoric interpretation, so all results should be considered to have a variation of ± .05 Booty Per Second. 3. Always brake for monster booty. 4. The word "it" does not count, even if "it" is clearly referring to a butt. For example, in the Backstreet Boys' hit, "I Want
It That Way." Or in the end of this sentence: Ha ha suck it, Backstreet Boys.
Funk is what happens when you mix insanity and drugs. And Parliament was made up of about 250 men and women, several of them space cowboys, wearing every wig and shiny thing they've found over their many years of drugs and insanity. They look like a soup line in a Schumacher Batman movie. And during their mission to change us to the funky side of life, the shaking of your ass gets mentioned many, many times.
"Rumpofsteelskin he don't rust and he don't bend
He's got dynamite sticks by the megatons in his butt"
You can't really tell if Rumpofsteelskin is an anti-aircraft gun emplacement or if Parliament is trying their best to call in a funky bomb threat. Of course, the fact that you're trying to figure it out makes you dangerously unfunky.
#9. Booty Clap
by Prince Paul
Hip-hop songs are notorious for giving instructions to the listener, but if you follow all the commands in this song, your genitals and ass will probably emancipate themselves. The first part is all about slapping your own ass cheeks together. It's called the Booty Clap. You can use it to either taunt toilets or tell hip-hop artists you're ready for sex. Just as you start to wrap your head around this concept, the song throws you a curve ball by demanding that everyone also wave their dicks in the air. This is where you realize that you're in the wrong club.
"(Make that booty clap!) We got the asses and the dicks all up
at the same time (Make that booty clap!)
(Make that booty clap!) There's gon' be some penetration"
Well, at least the songwriter had the foresight to know what would happen with all those exposed dicks and booties flying around. From what he was telling me to do for the first part of the song, I wasn't sure he actually knew what those things were.
This isn't the song itself, but an appreciation of an actual Booty Clap. It's safe-ish for work, unless you work at a zoo, because this woman's ass claps are the exact signal for seals to attack. Here's the actual video.
#8. My Humps
by Black Eyed Peas
It's strange that the shittiest song ever could only make it to the eighth spot on a list of songs about poopers. I'd like to thank third grade for that joke.