Cracked's Top Gift List For The Crazy Survivalist Uncle
There have been plenty of thinkpieces written about the potential for nuclear conflict in the age of Trump. Here at the store column section of the site (the broom closet), we don't feel qualified to weigh in one way or another, but we'd rather be safe than sorry in the event that the president gets a little handsy with the big red button.
You have something that could stop a nuclear blast?
Heavens no. In the event of WWIII, we will all die horrifically. But even so, the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store are equipping you with the best apocalypse survival gear we've got. Hey, it at least beats hiding beneath a wooden desk.
If end times are nigh, then you'll probably need a sweater. They don't call it a nuclear winter for nothing. If you're going to stay warm, then you might as well rep this RoboCop: Motor City Justice hoodie. After all, if there's anyone who knows how to survive against all odds, it's RoboCop. Though that dude had robot body armor, and all we have is a fanny pack with two Band-Aids in it.
When the world goes up in flames, chances are it's not going to do so without a fight. Every man, woman, eagle, and child is going to run to the streets, machine guns in hand, firing into the desolate waste before them until our streets are covered in nothing but bullet casings and feathers. You'll need this phone case not just to protect your phone from the ensuing carnage, but also because eagles are cool and America! What more needs to be said?
In addition to being majestic, powerful, and elusive, owls are also savagely stupid. Easily one of the least intelligent birds, it's surprising that "wise" and "owl" ever appear in the same sentence, much less the same Tootsie Pop commercial. You might no longer have a wall to hang this tapestry on, but you can at least hang it from the side of your tent and let any nearby owls know they aren't welcome.
If a samurai carried a pocket knife, this would be that pocket knife. Made from Grade 5 titanium with a 440c stainless steel tanto blade, we imagine this is what Beatrix Kiddo would use to open her mail. We think WWIII will be bad, but we don't think it'll be fight-an-army-of-ninjas-like-in-Kill-Bill bad. What we're saying is, get this pocket knife and you'll be good to go.
For those who like their pocket knives a little more Western, we have this 3-pack of Smith & Wesson folding knives. With a 3.5" blade constructed from 7Cr17 high carbon stainless steel with a composite handle, these knives are great for a one-handed slice and cut. That's super helpful, because we have no doubt you'll be duel wielding them when the mutated nuclear zombies arrive.
Of course, in a modern-day Ragnarok, nothing feels more badass than to dive headfirst into battle gripping an ax. This all-purpose tool combines a claw hammer, nail puller, hammer, and grapple hook, making it a demon-slaying machine -- or, on the off chance the world doesn't plunge into nuclear chaos, it's great for DIY projects and truckers. Whatever you use it for, know that just owning one is enough to make a viking cry with pride.
If the government dissolves and we're left to fend for ourselves, then we'll want to make sure nothing goes to waste. FiberFix is an incredible repair wrap that is 100 times stronger than duct tape, meaning that if you're fleeing an angry militia on a getaway raft and said raft springs a leak, you'll be able to patch it up before sinking to a watery demise. It's also great for fixing snapped gardening tools, because you know, maybe there won't be a third world war after all.
If you need me, I'll be in my bunker.
Wait, don't hole up just yet! If you want anything on this list, then click the links and you'll be sent directly to the product page. For more survival tools from the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store, just click on the links above. And stay tuned for our WWIV store column, where we'll be running a sale on sticks and stones.