Pop Culture's Dumb Future: Stuff They're Actually Making
Round #1
A) In the Pursuit of Change: Poetry Inspired by President Barack Obama, by Mark McGrath.Mark McGrath Says: "I've always considered myself more a poet than a songwriter, but I'm the last guy in the world you'd expect to be involved in politics, I just had a very micro-outlook on life. But, when I saw President Obama campaigning, and giving speeches, and at the debates, his messages, his integrity and his passion really moved me in a way that I haven't been moved in a long time, and the poems just started pouring out. I'm 41-years old, and this past election was the first time I registered to vote. If my words can inspire just one more person to make a difference, then I'll consider this a success."
This Product is For: -Fan(s) of Sugar Ray. -Ironic hipsters who enjoy having their coffee tables littered with books that make me hate them. -A small percentage of Mark McGrath's relatives and personal acquaintances.
B) Karaoke With Your Favorite Principal Dennis Haskins A.K.A. Mr. Belding!
Dennis Haskins Says: "I love to sing and have been doing karaoke for the past six years. Karaoke is about having fun and I hope everyone will have fun singing along with me or on their own with our karaoke CD/DVD!"
This Product is For: -The elusive People-Who-Are-Physically-Incapable-of-Singing-Without-Dennis-Haskins's-Accompaniment demographic. -People who love everything about karaoke except the part where you have to sing alone. -People who can confidently say that they will only ever need seven karaoke songs for the rest of their life.
C) Somebody That I Used to Know: Hilary Duff Pays Tribute to Elliott Smith
Description: "Actress, singer and teen icon Hilary Duff (of the hit Disney Channel series Lizzie McGuire), is paying tribute to one of her favorite artists in 'Somebody That I Used to Know,' her album of Elliott Smith covers. This has been a passionate project of Hilary's for some time, and she's thrilled to both reintroduce Elliott Smith to the music scene and spice things up a notch by adding her own patented Hilary Duff flavor!"
Hilary Duff Says: "Mr. Smith was a huge influence on me, musically speaking and, in my little way, this album is my attempt to say 'thank you' for all the inspiration his music has given me over the years. This music is a little bit more mature than my previous albums, but I'm growing up, and I'm excited about bringing Mr. Smith's music to a younger generation of fans who might not have had a reason to listen otherwise."
This Product is For: -People who are fans of Hilary Duff. -People who are fans of Elliott Smith despite never hearing his music or caring about what happens to his legacy. -A very specific kind of pervert.
So, which of those equally terrible ideas is actually a real thing? Did you guess B, Dennis Haskins's Karaoke CD? If so, that's really weird but, also, you're correct! Dennis Haskins has a Karaoke CD and that, in my opinion, is the most ridiculous of the bunch, there are just so many layers of retarded I might have a stroke. Do you know why celebrities don't endorse karaoke CDs? Because karaoke is about singing
Round #2
A) Stretch Armstrong: The Movie (2011, Universal)Brian Grazer Says: "Stretch Armstrong is a character I have wanted to see on screen for a long time. He's an unconventional kind of superhero with a power that no one would want. It's a story about a guy stretching, if you will, the limits of what is possible to become all that he can be."
This Movie is For: -Children who love Stretch Armstrong and A Beautiful Mind equally. (???) -Fans of Brian Grazer who are thinking about turning on him. -Hasbro's marketing team.
B) The Matrix: The Musical!
Description: Inspired by the success of Tony Award-Winning Legally Blonde: The Musical! and Tony Award-nominee Shrek, the Musical, blockbuster, groundbreaking film The Matrix will finally be coming to Broadway! The show will be written and directed by Tony-Winner Stephen Daldry (Billy Elliot) with Drama Desk Award-nominated lyricist David Yazbek (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, The Full Monty, Houdini
Stephen Daldry Says: "The transition was fairly easy, because there's something inherently theatrical about
This Show is For: -Longtime Broadway fans who love explosion-heavy, sci-fi movies. (A nonexistent demographic.) -Longtime Sci-Fi fans who appreciate the emotional expressiveness of Twyla Tharp's choreography. (A nonexistent demographic.) -People who accidentally wandered into the theater while looking for
C) Guilty Conscience: The Story of Eminem (2011, Fox Searchlight)
Shia LaBeouf Says: "I honestly thought everything there was to say about Em was said in 8 Mile, but this guy's got seriously such a fascinating story it's unbelievable. The amount of shit he's gone through to get to where he is today is insane, and I'm happy to represent that story as authentically as I can."
This Movie is For: -Fans of Shia LaBeouf (except the ones that like him for his impish, playful demeanor and his Disney-character-esque appearance and mannerisms, aka, all of Shia LaBeouf's fans). -Fans of Eminem (except the ones that hate Shia LaBeouf for his impish, playful demeanor and his Disney-character-esque appearance and mannerisms, aka, all of Eminem's fans). -Eminem, because he just can't seem to get enough of himself.
Give up? It's Brian Grazer's Stretch, the Stretch Armstrong movie. This movie answers the question "What would happen if we took the
Round #3
A) Scared Straight with Tom Sizemore (2010, AMC)Tom Sizemore Says: "I've made some mistakes, too many mistakes, I've made them, and there's no excuse. It's inexcusable. And now it's time for me to get the word out, to tell my story, to teach the lessons no one taught me, so some of these kids out there don't end up where I ."
This Show is For: -Troubled youths who frequently watch AMC (an admittedly slim demographic). -Heidi Fleiss. -Tom Sizemore's parole officer.
B) School's In Session with Professor Arnold (2010, VH1)
Tom Arnold Says: "I learned from a former English teacher of mine that OHS was going through some pretty rough budget cuts, a lot centered around the theater department, and I thought 'Hey, if I can bring a little attention to Ottumwa, maybe some money will follow and we'll be able to save the program.' I know I can't imagine my high school days without the drama department and I'd be heartbroken if kids today never got the same opportunity. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to turn some of those kids around, too. Like a
This Show is For: -People on whom the embarrassing lives of washed-up celebrities has a sort of insanely watchable Car Accident Effect, from which they cannot look away (i.e. the typical VH1 audience). -Roseanne Barr, as this show is just another step in their ongoing feud to out-crazy each other post-divorce. -Concerned parents of Ottumwa students who are looking for a reason to transfer their children to private school.
C) Steven Seagal: Lawman (2009, A&E)
Steven Seagal Says: "I've been working as an officer in Jefferson Parish for two decades under most people's radar... I've decided to work with A&E on this series now because I believe it's important to show the nation all the positive work being accomplished here in Louisiana; to see the passion and commitment that comes from the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office in this post-Katrina environment."
This Show is For: -Me. -Me. -Me. Give up? It's Steven Seagal: Lawman and I couldn't be more excited to be a living human being with functioning eyes. Steven Seagal has been fighting actual crime in Louisiana as an actual police officer ("under most people's radar") and now someone is going to point a camera at him and let him spew hot chunks of action madness all over my television screen. He's above-the-law, and out for justice on deadly ground. He's a hard-to-kill, pistol-whipping, executive-decision-making mercenary for urban justice, a one man attack force, and there's a fire down below... in my pants! I can't fucking wait for this show.1
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