Even superheroes have to worry about bills. Well, unless you're Batman, Iron Man, Green Arrow, Iron Fist, Professor X ... OK, some superheroes have to worry about bills. The ones who weren't born rich have to do day jobs in addition to saving people, and some of them go about this in really inefficient ways. Don't worry, superheroes, I'm here to help. As a definitely not-qualified professional, I've analyzed your skills and personalities and placed you all in the most appropriate and lucrative side hustles.
Spider-Man picked photographer as his career, because ... actually, I can't even fathom why. Peter Parker is a genius chemist, but for some reason, he would rather make just above minimum wage with a mediocre dental plan by taking pictures of himself in his Spider-Man costume. He's essentially a cosplayer with only one dirty, sweaty costume. He's like, "Hey everybody, look! It's me as Spider-Man, and here's one of me as Spider-Man. Spider-Man again. And here's one of Spider-Man." It confuses me, because though he's clearly not living on the streets, it's not exactly a well-paying job. Even in the olden days of 2010, when you could buy a car for a nickel, newspaper photographers started out at only $16,000 a year.
His career makes no sense when he'd be perfect as a professional gamer. He has enhanced reflexes, which should make him awesome at video games without needing much practice. No one will think it's weird if he's locked up in his room for hours "practicing gaming" when he's really out Spider-Manning all over Queens. And he's already an ultra-dork. It fits him perfectly. Professional gamers can make a quarter to half a million dollars a year. Then there are sponsorships and income from streaming games on Twitch or posting videos of his mad skillz on YouTube. We know that Peter can quip all day long, so if he can combine killing people in video games with creative ways to tell them they're an asshole for dying, he can become a Twitch baron overnight.
The Flash, like the Hulk, is a scientist. In fact, in comic books, somewhere around 50 percent of all scientists eventually become superheroes or supervillains. If there is a better argument for STEM education, I can't think of it.
But the Flash could be pulling in a lot more cash if he quit his science job and became an Uber driver. There's no car in this scenario, and he doesn't need one. Who wouldn't pay for a piggyback ride from the Flash? For a nominal fee, the fastest man alive will run you across town in six seconds. He's smaller and quicker than any car, because he's the freaking Flash.
It may be a tiny bit dangerous, though. He'll have to give you some kind of protective gear in case you wiggle a little bit and go flying off his back at 700 miles per hour. A helmet would probably be appropriate. You'll also need goggles, because in the summer you're going to be getting a faceful of bugs. There may also be the small issue of being extremely accessible to anyone who wants to capture him. Captain Cold can set a trap for him and then simply burn through a couple of normal Uber drivers until he shows up.
But think of the tips he would get! I would tip the Flash at least $20. Plus, he doesn't have to worry about the expense of car maintenance or gas. His overhead is even cheaper than the usual Uber driver, and he can take on a hundred, maybe even a thousand, times as many customers in a single day. He's pretty much guaranteed a five-star rating. What kind of an asshole would you have to be to give the Flash a crappy review? "He got me through rush hour in four seconds and defeated Heat Wave. No bottles of water or candy available, though. Three stars."
Iceman is apparently an accountant. Wait, really? At what point did he say to himself, "I can create ice from nothing ... I should be a CPA." It's not discussed very much, because apparently Average X-Men #125: Bobby Drake Kicks Math's Ass was the lowest-rated issue of all time. Not only is accounting considered one of the most stereotypically boring careers ever, but it's also time-consuming as hell. Iceman would be so busy kicking math's ass that he wouldn't have any time to kick some Sentinel ass. Then the government would exterminate all mutants, and it would be all Iceman and math's fault. God, I hate math.
Iceman should be an ice sculptor. It would be so easy for him. He can approach it with all the enthusiasm of a suicidal party clown. Just sit back in a La-Z-Boy and use one hand to sculpt two raccoons throwing pancakes at each other, while flipping through a copy of Vanity Fair with the other.
It's hard to find the income for a job as specific as this, but it looks like fine artists in general average about $62,000 per year. If you consider the fact that many of them may only pump out one project every couple of years, then Iceman is definitely in the money. Because he could do this in his sleep. He'd be a walking ice sculpture factory.
I don't really get why ice sculptures are so popular; it's like saying you definitely want a sculpture, but not for very long. But for whatever reason, they seem to be a pretty solid business. Small ice sculptures go for around $500 a pop, with larger installations being worth thousands. In the first X-men movie, we saw him create a tiny ice sculpture of a rose for Rogue with almost no effort, so we know he can do it.
Plus, once the business gets rolling, he can save money by doing his own accounting.
I'd imagine that being a nuclear physicist would be a really frustrating job. No wonder Bruce Banner can't stop Hulking out. He probably gets mad at electrons, rips his shirt, and smashes a microscope every other day. What good is science doing him? It's just making him angry, and you wouldn't ... actually, I kind of like him better when he's angry. He's a little whiny when he's not the Hulk.
To help keep his anger in check, Bruce needs to do something relaxing and peaceful like yoga. But he can't interact with people on a daily basis. Luckily, on YouTube he can teach yoga from anywhere without having to actually interact with gross sweaty people in any way. He can survive deep in the mountains of wherever there is still internet connectivity, and do his job without smashing anything more than a couple of stupid endangered animals.
The added bonus is that when the government needs the Hulk, they can just helicopter him over whichever city needs some Hulking and read him the comments section from his YouTube page. I can already hear him bellowing "Hulk's purple pants not stuuuuuupiiiiiid!" as he plummets to the ground.
Now, understand that I'm not saying that YouTube yoga instructors make a ton of money. I'm saying that Bruce really doesn't need it. If he's living away from society, he has to keep himself busy. When he's not yoga-streaming, he should be keeping his mind occupied by growing food, making clothes ... just basically going full hippie.
In the era Superman was created in, it made perfect sense for him to be a newsman. Of course, it also made perfect sense to let babies smoke cigarettes because they were so good for you. It's a different time now, and working at a newspaper isn't the glamorous gig it used to be. No one is throwing their underwear at rock star reporters, unless they work for Fox News and I'm trying to strangle them with my bra.
Not only is it no longer a "cool" job, but it's also now insanely easy for him to get caught. He's hanging around people whose job it is to sniff out lies, and I know it's been said before, but the only difference between Superman and Clark Kent is a cute jumpsuit and some Six Flags Man glasses. Besides, wouldn't the world be a safer place if Superman wasn't spending 50 percent of his time dicking around at The Daily Planet?
Not to mention that the median income of a newspaper reporter is around $34,000 per year. In a major city, that would let you afford roughly four square feet of sidewalk as your bedroom.
But what job can Superman possibly do where people won't recognize him? He's going to be too good at any job he attempts. Say he goes into construction and one of his co-workers falls off the building they're working on. Is he not going to fly down and catch him? If he becomes a doctor, he could slip and tell someone their bone is broken before an X-ray has been done. The world is simply too dangerous of a place for a Superman. He just needs to lean full force into his superhero identity and start a Patreon.
It can say,"Hi, I'm Superman. Did I save your life, or a loved one's life, or the entire planet you live on? Please consider donating five dollars." Bam, he's instantly Batman-wealthy without having to hear the story of his dead parents over and over and over again. I mean, this guy makes over $54,000 per MONTH on Patreon. Imagine how much Superman would make if he just asked for it.
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Not like this Hollywood. Not like this.
The smallest changes in these men's lives would have changed all of history.
Hindsight is the year 2020.
Everything the internet has said about this movie doesn't even come close to capturing the cinematic ineptitude on display here.