So Your Clone Is Trying to Murder You
My clone is trying to murder me!
What could be deadlier or handsomer?
That's weird. Did you do something to piss him off?
I ... how is the murder part of this the part that is weird to you? How has the clone bit not phased you one bit?
We get a lot of clone questions here. "So Your Clone Is Starting to Degrade." "So Your Clone Has Rejected Your Sexual Advances." "So Your Clone Is Trapped Inside of Time." It's not a big deal. So what'd you do to piss off your clone?
I don't know! I didn't even know I had a clone!
Have you angered any wizards lately?
I don't think so.
But you don't know so. Hmm. OK, where are you? And where's your clone?
We're in my front yard. And he's advancing on me slowly.
He's probably having a pretty weird experience with this himself. OK. Put him on.
Put him on what?
Let me talk to him.
How? How is any of this working? This never works! Why do I keep coming back to you for help?
We're bound to each other, advice seeker and advice giver. Like two stars circling each other, one of them slowly consuming the other.
Never mind that now. Excuse me? Clone? What's your deal?
I AM HERE TO MURDER ME. PLEASE TELL HIM-ME TO HOLD STILL.
You'd better do what he says.
What? I don't want to be murdered!
Oh, damn. Right. That's why I'm here. Sorry, I'm getting confused between you two. OK, in that case, don't hold still. Jump around a bunch. Caper.
Yes, just like that.
HE'S NOT HOLDING STILL.
Right. Shit. You need him to hold still to murder him. Right. Shit.
What!? Are you helping him!?
I have some really complicated professional guidelines to follow here, and unless I'm mistaken, I have to help you both.
ENOUGH. THE MURDER BEGINS NOW. HELP ME OR HELP HIM-ME: THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
No it's not, you fucking idiot. Weren't you listening? I have to help you both. Now, do you have any weapons?
I SEE A ROCK.
Grab it and whip it at him!
Rocks are hard to overthink.
-an anxious second passes-
HE CAPERED OUT OF THE WAY.
OK, well that was worth a shot. And nice capering, buddy.
Do you think you could not ask him to throw rocks at me?
I do think that! Grab the rock and throw it back!
Take this, you son of a bitch!
-an anxious second passes-
Did you get him?
I got him.
Did you throw a rock into his penis? Dude.
He is trying to murder me.
Yeah, but still. One dude to another, man ... yeeesh. Well, is he still trying to murder you?
No, he's just writhing on the ground.
WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?
Oh fuck! Right! Buttshit! OK, quickly, throw the rock back at him!
-an anxious second passes-
Shit! Oh man, I am so fucking bad at my job.
YOU SEEM TO BE BASICALLY THE WORST.
OK, let's slow down for a second. Let's just slow down, and think, and stop knocking each others' funsocks around. OK?
-identical groans, almost in harmony-
Hey? Hey, clone? What's your deal? How did you come to be?
THIS ONE HAS ANGERED A WIZARD.
I fucking knew it!
What? I have not!
MY MASTER, ERIC.
Eric the wizard?
You piss off any Erics lately?
I don't think so.
HE SAID YOU CRUSHED HIS GLUTEN-FREE BAGEL CHIPS.
-some thinking, accompanied by light penis massaging-
The guy in Whole Foods?
Admit it. You always suspected that at least a few of the people here were warlocks.
You pissed off a wizard in Whole Foods?
I was in a Whole Foods, and there was this guy, and I kind of bumped into him. He fell down because he was, just, incredibly feeble, and I guess he started shouting that I'd "rue something, everything."
And here you are, ruing.
I didn't know he was a wizard! I didn't even know magic was real.
Yeah, totally. A couple years back some Wiccan teenager accidentally set fire to her bedroom with a poem; it was a real watershed moment for the community. They've made big strides since then.
IT'S PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD.
Yeah. They just pull a new one of you in off the astral plane.
AN ASTRAL PLANE. THERE ARE MANY.
Right. One of the local astral planes. Doesn't even have to be one of the good ones.
I ASSURE YOU I COME FROM ONE OF THE GOOD ONES.
Sure you do, Captain Volume Control.
Wow. Way to shake off the penis-hurt and burn your own clone.
ENOUGH FOOLISHNESS. MY PENIS HURTS LESS AND SO THE MURDER SHALL BEGIN ANEW.
Wait! I think I've got another idea.
IS IT MORE FOOLISHNESS?
Clone, I know you're new to this guy's advice, so don't doubt for a second that it will be more foolishness.
This might not be! I think I've got a way to keep you both happy.
We bring in another clone. He murders that clone, and gets to be the big murder-hero, and you walk away unmurdered. Everybody wins.
Except the dead clone.
YES, HE WOULD PROBABLY NOT CONSIDER THAT A WIN.
Yeah, but what if he's like a real asshole? Like if we got him from one of the asshole planes?
THIS IS ONE OF THE ASSHOLE PLANES.
Of course it is.
Well, one of the dickhead planes then.
So we get a ... worse ... version of me, and just straight up murder him?
I think the two of you could take him.
I'm still not really comfortable with this.
IT GETS EASIER.
I don't want it to be easy. I think I'd like to not pop my clone-murdering cherry today, thanks.
-long sigh- I SHALL RECOMMENCE MURDERING YOU THEN.
Wait! I've got another idea. Clone, what hold does Wizard Eric have over you?
Are you bound to him in any way? Why are you so intent on doing his bidding?
HE'S ... LETTING ME STAY ON HIS COUCH.
Is it a nice couch?
IT IS NOT. I SUSPECT WIZARD ERIC IS A BIT OF A LOSER.
So you're just doing this because you need a place to stay?
YOUR WORLD IS CONFUSING TO ME AND YOUR ECONOMY IS STILL UNFAVORABLE.
Well, there's our murder-free solution. Original Recipe: What's your situation? Do you have any extra room at your place?
Is that me? Am I Original Recipe now?
In this plane, yes.
I AM EXTRA CRISPY IN THIS PLANE, HA HA HA HA HA HA.
I do have extra room. But I don't want to live with a clone.
I think you do. I think this is going to cut way down on the number of chores you have to do.
My wife ...
Will have to be talked into it, yes. But I think that can be done.
"You know how your father says I'm half the man he always envisioned would marry you? Well, I've come up with a solution, which at least mathematically ..."
And if you need any help with convincing her, you can always ask me.
Yeah, we're not going to do that.
I COULD HELP PLEASURE HER.
Yeah, you're not going to do that.
You'd also only have to go to work half the time.
Yeah, we should definitely go ahead and do this.
AND WHEN YOU'RE AT WORK I WILL BE PLEASURING YOUR WIFE.
Easy. Just play it cool, clone.
EXTRA CRISPY STYLE.
You might have to lock the clone in the basement for awhile first, until he becomes a little more socially well-adjusted.
Yeah, I've heard that locking people in basements helps with that.
-the sound of a car approaching. A door opens-
Who is it?
How's she handling things?
She's a little rattled.
MY LOVE. MY HEART. WE HAVE ARRANGED FOR ME TO GIVE YOU CRISPY LOVE.
A little more rattled now?
A little more rattled now, yeah.
Congratulations on completing this guide! You are now no longer being murdered by your clone! Should you desire any further advice, please consult our guide, "So Your Wife Is Leaving You Because of the Things Your Clone Did and Said."
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. Join him on Facebook or Twitter and he will give you personal advice on how to run and, in all probability, ruin your life.
For more from Bucholz, check out How to Form Your Own Cult in 5 Easy Steps and How to Accidentally Throw a Furry Orgy Using Craigslist.