6 Ways Modern Medical Training Is F*cking Horrifying
Good grades and a driving desire to heal one's fellow man (and to own the keys to a new Beemer) aren't the only requirements for becoming a physician. There are plenty of hurdles medical students must overcome before they can finally earn the right to wear the white coat and whatever the hell that shiny round thing is they wear around their heads. And if you don't have a strong stomach, that's probably a dealbreaker, because nobody likes being puked on when describing their unfortunate nail-gun-to-the-testicles incident. But at least the non-hackers should know that they're in over their heads pretty quick, after they arrive in class and get an eyeful of the nightmarish training aids that are supposed to be less disturbing than working on actual humans.
Prostate Exam And Catheter Insertion Simulators
I fully appreciate that most of what I write is completely superfluous in a situation like this, so let's get down to brass tacks: disembodied rubber buttholes. Not every doctor is a proctologist, after all, with years to spend learning the art of rectal spelunking with cadavers or liberal arts students lured over to the medical school with the promise of a free sandwich. So naturally, there are sturdy and reusable devices available so that the average general practitioner can effectively become an old hand at gloved finger invasions.
Hopefully, the next slide discusses how the doctor would be wise to avoid eye contact and/or small talk.
When a man reaches the age when a yearly prostate exam becomes a requirement, it may not be as fun as the birthday when he became legally able to purchase alcohol, but that doesn't mean there aren't still plenty of opportunities for quick thrills and uncomfortable, regret-filled mornings after. In all seriousness, though, we really do owe our sincerest gratitude to the dedicated medical professionals willing to poke around anatomy's least-sunny grottoes and cul-de-sacs. Especially since I can't imagine that most of them enjoy the procedure, or the mystery involved in not knowing what unspeakable horrors they'll dredge up down there.
That's either where they store the rubber polyps or the page where you can bid on Richard Simmons' quinceanera pinata.
And for those requiring a more immersive quality to their in-depth practice explorations of the dirty dingus, technology has an answer. Nowadays, budding proctologists can interact with an actual robotic ass and receive real-time feedback pertaining to their technique. His name is "Patrick," by the way. If you're less than gentle with your invasive probings, built-in pressure sensors will cause him to respond with a surprised "Ow!" Other examples of his bent-over-the-gurney, nervously-looking-over-the-shoulder banter include phrases like "That's cold!" and "You're rather thorough, aren't you?"
"If you say so, Doc, but this eye exam seems highly irregular."
Hours spent palpating the inner workings of a fake tuchas can presumably take their toll on even the most steadfast of anal scrutinizers, so every now and again it's probably necessary for the medical student to mix things up, flip the patient over, and get to work on honing their skills on a whole new area of unpleasantness. Now, I'm not sure what kind of monster decides to focus on catheter-insertion as a career path, but should taming the wild hog be your goal, then there are also plenty of synthetic apparatuses to help you achieve it. And if you want to remove the detachable penis, take it home, and stick on your fridge as a motivational tool, that's entirely your prerogative.
Luckily, the Hippocratic Oath makes no mention of novelty light switches.
Synthetic Cadavers
There was a time when medical students were reduced to grave robbing in order to get some hands-on experience fiddling with human innards. But today there are fewer uptight restrictions hindering those wishing to meddle in God's domain. Future physicians can even get up close and personal with a deceased person's anatomical gooeyness without any of the stink of an actual corpse. All thanks to wondrous innovations like this:
If your kid keeps asking for that stupid Operation game, bring one of these home and you'll never be hassled again.
Oh, calm down. It's not a real person, for crying out loud. It's a synthetic cadaver -- which explains the vaguely anime-sounding name of the company that produced it, SynDaver. But like most anime, their products are a bit painful to look at for extended periods. Especially when they've been modified to wriggle around like a Silent Hill antagonist waiting for his annual physical.
"Hey doc, I saved you some time by rubber-gloving myself."
As a cutting-edge purveyor of fleshy simulacrums for autopsy enthusiasts, SynDaver has exhibited its ghoulish wares on shows like Shark Tank, Mythbusters, and various crime dramas (like CSI, where their rubberized carcasses give the viewing audience something slightly more appealing to look at than Ted Danson's face.) They've also expanded their line to include products for the military, such as this unfortunate fellow:
"My dad told me to join the Air Force so shit like this wouldn't happen."
If you think the loopy intestines and other assorted viscera are what makes these things disturbing, think again. Sure, it's gross, but once you realize it's all plastics and whatever, it's not that bad. To truly maximize the horrendousness, you need to see one halfway under construction. And try not to imagine that it's the future, and that the poor guy on the table just found out what a colossal waste of money it was to cryogenically freeze his brain.
Synthetic Canines
You may be relieved to learn that most veterinarians do not in fact spend their weekends combing the highways for roadkill, looking for mangled raccoons and bloated armadillos on which to hone their scalpel-craft. Thankfully, a few of the manufacturers of rubber guts have been kind enough to include dissectable beast facsimiles among their products, allowing aspiring animal doctors to practice neutering tabbies and spaying terriers to their hearts' delight.
Somewhere, Bob Barker is rubbing his hands together and muttering "Yesss. Yesssss."
Oh yeah, they bleed realistically and enthusiastically. Overly sanguinary ovary removal and castration aren't the only things a polymer-based pooch is good for, either, as they're also great for preparing for all the obligatory butt stuff in the curriculum.
The built-in sound features include everything from outraged growling to resigned whimpering.
Oh, and remember our old pals from SynDaver? Well, in addition to their top-of-the-line cyber-zombies, they've apparently also branched out into to the lucrative flayed mongrel market. For the low price of $28,500, you can acquire a grinning canine doppelganger with realistic organs, a circulatory system coursing with synthetic blood, and a sparse coat that requires minimal grooming.
Instead of a red bandana, we recommend a nice prosciutto.
SynDaver's founder and head carcass-monger, Christopher Sakezles, idealistically claims that his meaty companions represent "the beginning of the end of animal testing." That would be nice, but I can't say I look forward to the day he starts making artificially sentient creatures that have the ability to scream when they get mascara dabbed in their eyes.
All dogs go to heaven. Except for the ones who go to Hell and become servants to the Cenobites.
The Elderly Nursing Home Manikin
Caring for the elderly is a unique and demanding profession. Which is why the people who go into geriatric medicine must train on equipment that is equally as challenging. Challenging in the way that only staring at a dead-eyed, naked old lady with sad (but remarkably smooth!) boobs can be.
Would nipple wrinkles really have made this less disturbing?
That brassy old coot up there is "GERi" (get it?), and she's a meticulously designed "Manikin" who replicates all the dilapidated physical aspects you'll come across in the nursing home experience. From the ulcerated, wrinkly skin to the cancerous moles dwelling beneath her Rue McClanahan wig, she may not be so spry anymore, but she can let you know she's down to party with her pair of sassily dilating pupils.
And on the other side of the gender coin, there's a model that can let you recreate the pleasures of being Johnny Carson's fourth wife during his final days.
Hiyo!
Additional features include flexible joints which allow the extremities to move into any position imaginable. And with a series of wigs (or lack thereof, if you want to go for the Cotton-Hill-with-manteats look) ranging from heavily dye-jobbed to those with a more subtle-yet-fetching shade of pink (and presumably blue), there seems to be little that the makers didn't think of to assist both future caregivers and howling deviants in their endeavors. And whether you prefer Sophia from The Golden Girls with the white-haired bouffant from the show or sporting a darker hue from her more vibrant days, the options for twisted perversion are limited only by your imagination.
I think we all know what that neck hole is for.
Dental Practice Heads
Whether fabricated out of simple wood or Terminator polymers, fake practice heads have been in use for a long time in dentistry. From the earliest antiques, which look like something you'd see in an old-fashioned midway game on the River Styx Boardwalk...
"Shoot The Irishman Right In His Lazy Drunken Face" was a crowd favorite back in the mid-1800s.
... to the newer ones, which imply a dark future where evil robots use novelty chatter-teeth to further terrorize the subjugated human populace ...
Sharper Image's "nutcrackers for angry atheists" are suitably less than festive.
... they're clearly designed solely with practicality and function in mind, with little to no attention to avoiding the Uncanny-Valley-esque horror which inadvertently ensues. You can even procure a mobile suitcase version to take on the road, and give the TSA employees at the local airport a memorable experience they'll speak of in hushed whispers around campfires:
The thing is, you could probably stuff a pound of weed into that head and they'll never, ever search it.
However, not all distributors of these tools designed for preparing the next generation of drill-happy bicuspid-yankers are cold, sadistic monsters. Some are entirely self-aware, as demonstrated by the dental supply company Practicon. And knowing full well the inherent ghastliness of their product, they came up with the hottest calendar concept for the upcoming gift-giving season since the unlicensed "Grumpy Cat Undergoes Laboratory Vivisection."
Perfect for that member of the family who enjoys Bichon Frises and an ample supply of lotion.
Delivery Room Simulators
The miracle of childbirth is a beautiful spectacle, unless you're one of the fathers who happens to take a peek over the sheet and gets an up-close look at what a C-section actually involves. But even the regular, shot-out-the-hoo-ha method of delivering a baby can be pretty intense for the unprepared, which I suppose is why delivery room staff work up their nerve by watching plastic babies get shunted out via hydraulic jackhammer.
If you think they don't take these out to a football field on the weekends and hold distance contests, you're kidding yourself.
Why they feel the need to give these rubbery, oozing replicants names is beyond me, but meet Victoria. She has the appropriately weary look of someone who enjoys Tequila with her spinal taps, and a collection of startlingly realistic ladybits. All her parts work perfectly in tandem to provide obstetricians-in-training the perfect opportunity to see what can happen nine months after the Victoria's Secret and J. Crew mall employees both forget to lock up the mannequins for the night.
Warning: The following video is graphic. But only if you forget that what you're looking at isn't real, and that it's basically the equivalent of watching the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan reenacted with G.I. Joe action figures.
But birthing simulators don't always have to be hi-tech to be effective, with features like skin that turns blue to let you know just how much of an inept, baby-killing fuckup you are, etc. Sometimes, simplicity is equally as effective. Like with the "Natalie Collection" birth simulator. This belly-strapped contraption from Norway is aimed at midwives and delivery assistants, with the goal to "increase awareness about potential complications during birth." Presumably for those who need reminding that a pool of blood forming on the ground might be grounds for concern.
Now would probably be a good time to stop treating her belly like a grapefruit juicer.
But again, let's all take a moment to give thanks to the intrepid men and women who are willing to put up with all the biological dreadfulness to make sure mother and child come out of their ordeal healthy and whole. And perhaps, out of respect, stand at attention while the following GIF (NSFW-ish?) repeats 21 times, accompanied by the patriotic, bombastic music of your choice.
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