My Brief Time as a Student at Hogwarts
[RON, HERMIONE, HARRY and Hogwarts' newest student, DOB, are seated at that big cafeteria or whatever, discussing this and that. DOB tells a story, smirking like an asshole.]
DOB And then I says, "More like SHITerin!" Get it? RON Yes. DOB Because I took a shit in the sorting hat. RON I said yes. DOB And I said kiss dick, guy, I was talking to Hermione. HERMIONE It was a lovely joke. DOB Bam. Two points, Ron, count it. [RON slumps in his chair.] HARRY I have a bad feeling about this year, guys. Something deep in the pit of my stomach. HERMIONE I know what you mean. DOB Yeah, totally. Say, by the way, Hermione, when you turnin' 15, girl? That happening soon, or what? RON Fifteen is still illegal in this state. In all states, everywhere. DOB This fuckin- What is your problem, guy? Was someone talking to you? Christ, go eat that chocolate that turns people into rats or whatever. HARRY [Quietly] That's not this movie. RON You're thinking of Witches. DOB Actually I'm thinking of eat shit, Beasley, what is your deal? DAY 4 [HARRY is in his dorm room getting ready for the OBLIGATORY GAME OF POINTLESS QUIDDITCH. DOB is quietly planting HARD WIZARD DRUGS in RON'S DRESSER.]
HARRY Alright, DOB, I'm about to head out to the big game. Are you sure you don't want to play? DOB Nah. I'ma try to call Hermione so we can set up our own game of Quidditch, if you catch my boner. HARRY Right. See you later, then. DOB Yeah, man, go- Jesus. Is that how you're going to dress?
HARRY I... this is traditional wizard garb, for Quidditch, I thought- DOB Yeesh. Boo. It looks like a shitty community theater is staging a musical version of my nightmares and you're auditioning for the female lead. HARRY I'm not sure I- DOB You look like the worst kind of lesbian. HARRY Got it. DAY 9
HERMIONE Dumbledore, it's not fair. DOB Oh, hell yeah, you tell him, 'Mione. HARRY It really is unfortunate, Dumbledore, is there nothing we can do? HERMIONE This is ruining all of my plans! DUMBLEDORE I'm sorry, but there's not much I can do. We're short staffed, so I'm afraid I can't offer Potions as a course this year. DOB Is that what we're all pissed about? This is the stupidest wizard camp ever. HERMIONE I'm certain that class would earn me high enough marks to make it to the top of the school. DUMBLEDORE It's out of my hands! I'm afraid with our high level of mysterious murders, fewer and fewer teachers want to work here. DOB Yeah, that'll do it. HARRY Could Snape double up on a class? RON Or couldn't we cut one of the other courses? HERMIONE It's because Professor Slughorn left. He could have taught this class. He was supposed to, wasn't he? DOB Who's Slughorn? HARRY We need Slughorn. We need to get him back. DOB Hey, guys, who's Slughorn? RON Good luck with that. He's gone off to live with the Muggles, he's in hiding. HARRY But we can find him... With Dumbledore's help! DOB Alright fuck you guys. DUMBLEDORE It can be done. I can track him down... Do you think you children could convince him to come back? HARRY I'm positive! DOB What an awesome plot for a movie about wizards. DAY 14
[Our heroes are stuck on an island, surrounded by a bunch of little PALE GOBLINS OR SOMETHING.]
RON This looks dangerous! What'll we do, Harry? HARRY Our magic is blocked here, for some reason, we can't disapparate, there's some kind of enchantment. We're running out of options. DOB [Slowly waking from an ALCOHOL-INDUCED COMA] Oh, man, that was a- Oh, for fuck's sake are you kidding me? What have you morons gotten us into? HARRY Thank goodness you're awake, we've got to- DOB Yeah, listen, shut up for like 10 seconds, here, it's a little early for your shit, know what I mean? HARRY I apologize. RON It's seven o'clock at night... DOB More like... stupid o'cock at... at all over your face, and there's... Oh go fuck yourself, Ron, no one's talking to you. [HARRY nods in agreement.] DOB Alright, I'll get us out of this. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, let's think about this. Fuck. We can't use magic, Hermione's probably still asleep and incredibly sore, and I broke Dumbledore's wand for a reason I can't immediately remember. We've got an army of Gollum's happening right now, I say our only option is feeding them Ron's gay face and converting the rest of Ron into a boat that we can paddle to shore. Or maybe we'll just turn him into, like, a puppet or something, whichever's funnier. That guy's the worst. HARRY We can't! And those aren't Gollums, you're confusing franchises again.
DOB What? Bullshit those aren't Gollums. (Addressing the Gollums): Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious? HARRY I'm telling you, that's not- SMEAGOL I would like the precious... DOB Boom! Three pointer. Ron, give those little bastards the precious. RON What would that even- [DOB swiftly pushes RON into the little GOLLUMS, who immediately start clawing at his stupid flesh.]
DOB Swish! I'm the best. DAY 17
[HARRY, RON, DOB and some of the other RANDOM INTERCHANGEABLE STUDENTS are discussing women problems.]
RON It's so difficult. I know Hermione fancies me, but I just started dating Lavendar, and it would be unfair of her if I abandoned our relationship. But HERMIONE and I are such good friends. DOB Uh huh. HARRY And I'm in love with Ron's sister, but I don't know how she feels about me, and I don't know what that would do to our friendship. SOME OTHER KID My word, these are tricky situations! DOB Tell me about it. I heard Ron cries when he poops. RON That's just a rumor, where did you hear it? DOB I forget, I think some guy screamed it while he was boning Hermione in my car last night. We're getting off topic here, the point is Harry's sad about some bullshit or whatever. DUMBLEDORE I know what we need, we need something to take our minds off our girl troubles, and Ron's unfortunate toilet situation. RON It's not- DOB Like a baby, Dr. Wizard, a giant, pooping baby, it's awful. DAY 20
[RON, HARRY and DOB are visiting their CREEPY, ELDERLY PROFESSOR SLUGHORN who hands them UNMARKED GLASSES FULL OF SOME LIQUID, and the children all take the drinks, because Hogwarts teaches BULLSHIT DRAGON MAGIC and INVISIBLE BROOM-HUMPING instead of D.A.R.E and COMMON SENSE. RON takes a sip and almost immediately starts stumbling and clutching his throat. He falls to the floor.]
HARRY Ron! What's wrong? RON [Coughing.] This... wine is... poison. HARRY No! DOB Poison? RON Yes! DOB Deadly? RON [A crushed gasp.] Yes. DOB Moving it slow? RON [The life draining.] Yeah... I guess. DOB Lookin' for a mellow fellow like DeVoe? RON [Turning blue.] ...what? HARRY Not now, DOB. Don’t worry, we'll save you, Ron. We've got to do something, quick! PROFESSOR SLUGHORN I'll call the authorities. DOB Let's cure it 'cause we're runnin' outta time! PROFESSOR SLUGHORN Yeah, we got it, DOB. It'll be alright, Ron, we'll get through this. HARRY If I knew what the poison was, I could reverse it! DOB Oh, I know! HARRY How do you know? DOB Me and the crew used to do her! Bam! HARRY Oh, Goddammit, shut up, we need to save Ron. DOB Eh. PROFESSOR SLUGHORN Who could have done this? HARRY The one whose name we dare not speak, I'm sure he was behind it. DOB I may have an idea. PROFESSOR SLUGHORN Or it could've been Draco! He's always had it out for Ron. HARRY Oh, fucking Draco, that's right, it was probably him, too. DOB Was it a big butt, Ron? A smile? Did you trust them? Because, really- PROFESSOR SLUGHORN He hasn't much time left! HARRY Hang in there, buddy. DOB -you should never trust a big butt and a- HARRY AND SLUGHORN SHUT THE FUCK UP! DOB P-P-P-P-Poison!