As a public service, I've put together the finest safety publication the World of Caution has ever known: Stayin' Safe With Kirk Cameron. In this issue you'll learn how to resuscitate a lingerie model, how to hide from robots, how a banana proves God and how Popsicle Pete became what we know him(?) as today. Reading this is like wrapping a condom around your entire life and for the next several minutes, you are guaranteed not to die. That was Kirk Cameron's idea. Personally, I'm trying to kill you.

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