This past whenever, a collection of tweens were for reals seen texting behind the Dry Hump Roller Rink on the corner of 5th and Grind. The tweens seemed to think no one could see them texting, but we totes could. Apparently, the back parking lot of this particular roller rink is a hot spot for the local tweenagers to text in an adult-free zone. “The ‘dults just don’t get it,” says Brytnee Halter, top cheerleader at her school and one of the texting tweens. “We may be young, but we’re not kids. That's why we call adults 'dults. If we think we’re old enough to text, and texting is one of our fave things to do, then why shouldn’t we?”
Many of the tweens’ parents are appalled by this revelation and have perfectly good reasons why they don’t want their kids texting. “First of all, that texting stuff is expensive,” says Brytnee’s mom Britney. “If I wanted to pay an extra 40 bucks a month, I’d buy real butter. If I
didn’t want to pay an extra 40 bucks a month, I’d probably change my plan to include more texting.” She paused briefly, then made a quick phone call to Verizon. Was there a second of all? “Oh, right,” continues Britney. “No.”
Some tweens don’t even text behind the roller rink. They simply watch others text. “My ‘rents won’t let me have a cell phone,” says Jadrian Blaker, a tween who frequents the back of the roller rink to overcome his textual inadequacy. “I understand why not. I’m too young to start texting
and I call my parents 'rents.' But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t learn how to now, so when I am ready, I’ll be ready, you know?” Jadrian feels so strongly about this, he has even started a new club at school called Learn Or Lose (LOL), which promotes textual awareness. “We’re not promoting texting,” explains Jadrian. “We just think tweens these days should have as much information about it as possible, so they can make an informed decision and whatev happens is whatevs.”
“Oh, wait!” interrupted Brytnee’s mom Britney. “There
wasa second of all. These tweens today. They think they’re so adult, but they’re sooo not. Don’t make me rofl. That’s a thing, right? Rofl?"
Brytnee is certainly sick of being told what to do, and she will continue texting, whether it’s behind Dry Hump Roller Rink, the Boneview Shopping Center, or in the privacy of her own bedroom. She complains, “I’m at the stage in my life where I’m almost close to becoming closer to the next step towards being a young adult. I mean, OMG, it’s not like I’m husking or something.” Husking, of course, is something that may or may not exist, and it is when two tweens rub their genitals together, sans penetration (or “penetrashe,” as the tweens call it).
“No, I’ve never heard of husking,” says Brytnee’s mom Britney. “All I know is that behind that roller rink is disgusting. These tweens could catch something while they’re texting. I mean, come on! We all know teenagers fuck back there.”
Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter
Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!
At 55, the ‘Encino Man’ star isn’t worried about a comeback. He talks to Cracked about being busier than ever, the weirdness of stepping back on stage at the Comedy Store and learning not to take criticism so personally